Upscale memory care said "There's nothing we can do about it" when I found mom and her boyfriend in the shower together, unattended. Safety!

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Beekee Asked November 2019

Upscale memory care said "There's nothing we can do about it" when I found mom and her boyfriend in the shower together, unattended. Safety!

This expensive memory care residence is just about ideal, so I was quite surprised at aide and administrative staff person's immediate reaction when I found mom age 81 and her boyfriend age 79 in the shower together with no attendant. Aides did not know they were in the shower together. Aide and staff person said it's a privacy issue, but to me this seems more like a safety issue. The man uses a walker, and both of them have trouble with dizziness and gait. On a wet surface, in a tiny shower stall, if one slipped and fell, both would go down. I emailed everyone at the organization that I had an email for. I also emailed the daughter of mom's boyfriend. At least a nurse had already told daughter about it--but my impression is that nurse told daughter only because they knew I would tell daughter about it. I find it hard to believe that privacy laws at facilities allow for residents to endanger themselves and other residents. I'm expecting some kind of response from the organization on Monday. If they continue to stonewall and say there's nothing they can do--I will contact ombudsman. This place costs way too much to allow residents to endanger each other. Anyone had a similar experience? (I think it's fine they are in an intimate relationship--just not in the shower!)

Alzheimer's & Dementia Home Safety Memory Care

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score 1 · Answer 1

You could have a look at the shower stall and see if the grab rails and non-slip mat surface could be upgraded. What works for one could be improved if double showering is not going to stop.

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score 2 · Answer 2

I think the fib about the shower bonus only works because the aide is there to remind her every. single. time. While you might get everyone to agree that co showers are not a good idea unless they announce their intentions there will be nobody there to remind them - that, unfortunately, is the sticking point.

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score 0 · Answer 3

And I guess it is one more way to get mom in the shower, aside from aid getting a bonus. Whatever works.

Yes, they could both take a fall in the shower, as they could anywhere. Is there a certain time of day that this is likely to happen? Memory care is not 24/7/365 the only way to receive that is a 24/7 attendant and even they will turn their backs at times.

Would mom's love interest's daughter be interested in splitting the cost of an attendant. What did she say about this?

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score 0 · Answer 4

Unless it is the understanding that all patients in memory care are showing with an attendant present, there would be no reason that one should be present that I can see. Yes, you are correct that if one goes down and grabs the other then likely BOTH will go down. This could happen OUT of the shower as well, and as we all know falls do and will and may happen at any time. Unless a rule is made that only "one person at a time may be in the shower" I don't see what can be done about it, if the person is in general safe enough to shower alone.

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score 3 · Answer 5

What do you think they should have done?

Although they are in memory care, they have the right to intimate relations if they want, however they want. How is it to be monitored to all them to make out in the bed, but not the bathroom?

Just like teenagers, they may not be thinking straight when they thought a shower together when they are already unsteady on their feet, was a good idea, but how to you propose they be stopped?

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I'm hoping the facility could tell a "therapeutic fib"--tell mom and boyfriend that only one resident is allowed in the shower stall at one time, for safety reasons. They have already been telling a therapeutic fib to get mom into the shower for the past 6 months--the aide tells mom that the aide gets a cash bonus if mom takes a shower, and mom wants the aide to get the "bonus," so mom allows the aide to attend her in the shower.

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score 0 · Answer 6

There is nothing they can do about it. Even upscale facilities cannot keep their residents under surveillance 24/7/365. The only way to do that would be to hire a 24 hour sitter which would be paid for by you. I’m actually kind of surprised that both of them would fit in the shower as the stalls are pretty small and have seats and bars in them. Even if they heed all your emails, they still wouldn’t be able to do anything. There is the privacy issue as well. I know the “e-w-w-w” factor is pretty high for you with this, but they are adults, after all, albeit with cognitive impairments, and they are entitled to their privacy. The man’s daughter can’t do anything about it, either. I’m not certain I would have taken it upon myself to contact her. How did you obtain her phone number? What was her reaction?

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As I said in the last couple lines of my original post, I don't object to them having an intimate, sensual, or sexual relationship. I think it's fine if they are intimate anywhere EXCEPT in a wet, slippery shower stall.

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Upscale memory care said "There's nothing we can do about it" when I found mom and her boyfriend in the shower together, unattended. Safety!

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