Why do the elderly not want to be part of the holidays? Does anyone else have this issue?

lealonnie, you and I must have the same Mother, I swear!! My Mother does the exact same thing!! She has diarrhea, she has the flu, her ears are ringing, her toe hurts. That was the last straw. Her TOE hurt on Thanksgiving morning. I went over to her house and I called 911 because she REFUSED to call them. The ambulance came and asked me if I wanted to take my Mother to the hospital. I said NO, i'll meet you there!! Needless to say she was driving the EMT's nuts. Did you close the door tight? Check it again, make sure the door is closed tight. I yelled out, I'll meet you at the Hospital Mom. Let them deal with her and all her nonsense. I took my sons there and we saw her at the hospital. They did blood work and were going to take an xray of her toe. The boys told her that we were going to go now because we had a Thanksgiving meal to eat. My boys are 32 and 28 and they didn't want to spend it in the hospital. So we left. I know sooner get home and the hospital calls me and says that her toe is fine and to come pick her up. I went there by myself to go get her. BIG MISTAKE!!!! It was 3:15pm and the nurse was pushing her out of her room and she says to me "I want to stop at the cafeteria". I said no, we are eating at my house just like we planned. I turned to the nurse and said I am not going to the cafeteria, it is nowhere NEAR the Emergency room!!! Absolutely NOT!!! She whispers to my mother, I';m sorry, but the cafeteria is closed right now. It won't open back up till dinner time. Thank god for that nurse. I told the nurse I will go pull up the car and you can bring her outside. I could hear my mother shouting something like you push my wheelchair. NOT ON YOUR LIFE I muttered INSIDE MY HEAD, lol. She got in the car and didn't speak to me for the whole ride home to my house which was only 15 min. away. We got in the house and oh she is smiling and saying hello to my husband and hello to the boys and how the food smells so good and praising everyone. Good grief, i thought. Well at least she was on her best behavior all afternoon and into the evening. My boys took her home at 9:30pm. I gave her a kiss goodbye.

You are not alone! My mother eats her holiday meals...well all her meals in her room. I have learned to except this from her because it is her decision to eat alone and to watch TV alone! I use to feel hurt, mad and get myself upset over this, but then I realize I can invite my mother downstairs for dinner but what she does is up to her.

There are many things that can cause a person to isolate themselves: depression, physical health, dementia, a illness, being embarrass for some reason (could be cause over something you don't even know about), ashamed over something, just to name a few.

If your mom is offended over you watching a movie then next time invite her to watch it with you, of course, she will say no ,but at least then it was her decision! Put the ball in her court so to speak!

I read one of ur first posts. Then u were complaining Mom wouldn't leave you and husband alone since she has a room of her own. Now...you wonder why she wants to be alone. 😃

If Dementia is involved, people suffering from it get overwhelmed in crowds. How is her hearing, my husband doesn't enjoy crowds. Our TG was daughter doing the cooking for 18 people most in their 40s. We ate and left.

I know, you wanted her to enjoy the holiday. But SHE chose to stay in her room. The movie? I know u asked her and she chose not to join in. This maybe how she is going to be so just say "OK Mom your choice.

Some people no matter what age don’t like crowds. If it’s a large gathering they freak out.

You’re describing my mother too, Lealonnie. She was always moody and dramatic and it got ramped up for the Holidays. It got to the point where, after my Dad passed and my grandsons were born, she ruined them for everyone. During the event, she’d sit there mostly silent, judging the meal, the gifts, the house,,etc. I’d hear her opinion the next day when I called her. Her depression and dislike of the Holidays was like a fog that enveloped everyone.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving, my mother who lives in Memory Care started making up her usual list of 'being sick' excuses as to why she didn't think she'd be able to join her family this year. On Monday her legs were killing her, on Tuesday she had SUCH horrible heartburn, on Wednesday she had diarrhea, her legs were killing her AND she hadn't slept a wink the night before. So obviously she was 'unable' to attend the festivities, it wasn't that she didn't WANT to, she just 'wasn't able.' Mind you, on Monday I TOLD her she didn't need to worry about coming with us, it was perfectly fine if she wasn't able, but no.........she had to have The Medical Excuses she needed so it wouldn't be Her Fault that she Couldn't Go. Know what I mean?

Anyway, when I called her on Thanksgiving evening, she was in a FOUL mood, laying the guilt on THICK! Saying she had a HORRRRRRRRRRRIBLE day because she was ALL ALONE LIKE A DOG just her and one other poor soul in the place. I said, "Gee mom, that's unfortunate and I'm sorry you had such a bad day." I proceeded to get OFF the phone as soon as I was able and that was that.

They can trot out all the games they care to, but remember, it takes TWO to play. Don't engage in the BS.

We went over there to visit yesterday & she was perfectly FINE, by the way. Even told us all about the skimpy dessert they had the nerve to serve her for Thanksgiving and how she had to ask for a SECOND slice of pie. Good thing all that heartburn and diarrhea cleared up so quickly, huh? :)

My father exhibited similar behavior in his journey down the vascular dementia road. My father really enjoyed the 50th Wedding Anniversary Dinner and Reception I hosted at a local hotel (about 60 family members for dinner buffet and more than 200 came to the reception, including a lot of Dad's work and club friends) so I also hosted extended family 80th birthday pot luck dinner parties for each of my parents in my home. For my father's party, my cousin brought Dad's older sister who he hadn't seen in a couple of years. Because of the drive, they had arrived a little early so my parents came down shortly after my aunt and cousin arrived. Dad came to my house, sat down beside his sister, spoke to her son for a couple of minutes and left because the food wasn't ready to serve yet and he just couldn't wait. Later Dad's cousins called him on the phone to try to get him to come back (parents lived across the street) and then sang happy birthday to him over the phone. Dad later told me I had only put on the party to show off my new house. He completely refused to attend my mother's party 19 months later, stating he didn't want to see all her family even after I pointed out several members of his family were coming too.

My father's vascular dementia never caused any major memory problems (one common early sign in most dementia); have you consider your mother might have some cognitive issues that are contributing to her behavior?

I’m the family weirdo and have been since birth. I am now old.
I am thrilled that people around me have expectations that are different from mine, and my husband, who is the BEST HUMAN BEING I’ve ever known, is much more “conventional” than I, and what I do to be “nice” “sociable” “pleasant” are totally based on pleasing him, and no other motivation.
If you KNOW how your mom is going to react Karol9766, why does it bother you whether she’s talking to you or not?
You’re not her social director.
You’re not her psychologist.
You’re not her therapy pet.
If YOU wish to celebrate a holiday in YOUR WAY, DO THAT. Her reaction to her choices is HERS, NOT YOURS.

So please CHOOSE to enjoy a lovely cozy, friendly, jolly Christmas or Chanukah or whatever your next family holiday gathering is, and enjoy choosing to not worry about Mom’s reaction to it.

My 90 yo step father, is almost deaf, lots of people talking at the same time really confuse him. Also, holidays mean nothing to him. I went over to the home and had dinner with him & wife in the dining room, was just perfect. Then they went back to their apartment and went to bed. I see no need to force anything on them, and
as a side note, I am 72 and don't care for all the hoopla either.

You can enjoy your holidays, just let her be, if she wants to join the festivities she will, if not, that is ok too.

Your mom lives with you?
I think we will all just be guessing because we don't know your normal dynamics or personalities, but I agree with Tothill that sometimes the noise, crowded spaces and general business of a room full of people can be too much for older folks, if she has hearing loss, visual impairments any or degree of dementia that will be compounded tenfold.

I also avoid the holidays as much as I can. The memories are just too much. Can’t say I blame her for wanting to avoid the situation.

maybe she thinks that once the meal is over..it is “safe” for her emotionally to join back in...and is miffed that you seemed to exclude her? Maybe?

next holiday....let her know before hand that you have a certain activity planned after the meal...does she want to join...just so she knows

It may be of memories of happy Christmases with a past spouse, who may not be around as of now. The memories of past, happy Christmases may be too painful for the surviving spouse to bear.

For some people the holidays are just another day. My dad grew up very poor. At most he only received an orange as a gift. If they got something extra like a whistle they got a spanking for blowing it.

So daddy wasn’t crazy about the holidays. He wasn’t a Scrooge though. He went along with others celebrating the holidays.

Does she have bad memories of holidays? If so, maybe she would just rather ignore them. Lots of people are glad when the holidays are over.

when you get old you have a right to be weird .

im in a bit of a jam at work because i didnt stuff down a big holiday meal with coworkers . i sat and had coffee and chatted with several people . i dont think mr bigly will fire me over it but he might fire me for telling him to go fk himself when he refuses to give it a rest .

It can be confusing with all the extra people, the noise, the trying to keep up with conversations and more. Sometimes it is easier to stay in a quiet space away from the big event.

But it can also be lonely and your Mum realized that her decision had consequences that she was not prepared for. Let her pout, she may or may not come around. Just like with a child, ignore the bad behaviour.

My mom doesn’t want to participate in holidays either, but she also doesn’t care if people watch a movie instead of talk to her. I convinced her to travel to spend Thanksgiving with my son. It wasn’t worth it in the end. I told her she is welcome to stay home for Christmas. Not sure how much longer she can be left on her own though. I make sure she has everything she needs, but hate being so far away in case there is an emergency.

Mom obviously thinks that she rules your roost. Unless she was not feeling well, she should have been told that if she wanted a meal, she needed to come to the table to eat with her family. By bringing her meal to her, you encouraged her rude behavior. Go ahead and enjoy Christmas despite your mother’s childish demands. You are not her servant. Don’t act like one.