Is my husband acting this way because of Dad's dementia?

That's a tough situation. Addictions are really difficult to deal with and the person really has to work daily to stay away from the thing that they have trouble with. Some people attend daily meetings, have a sponsor, etc. While you can inspire and support, it's up to them to want it and to do it. You might seek out a support group in person or online for family members of those who have addictions. Plus, your LO is bipolar, so, you have even more to contend with.

Even though, your husband may love your dad, living with a person who has dementia can be very stressful. Have you discussed how your husband currently feels about the situation? As the dementia progresses,, things become more severe. I'd see if DH can open up about it. Maybe, just talking about it would help clear the air. Also, marriage counseling is an option. If not, please see an ATTORNEY before making any moves towards divorce, so you can explore your legal rights.

Gambling is not a disease its an addiction.

By "being there" for his parents did you "help" a lot. Doing things he would have had to do if you weren't there? Or maybe, he is tired of caring for people. Your marriage is still young to have this added stress. And stress doesn't help people who have an addiction.

May be time for a sit down, alone. You need to talk this out. If Dad has money consider an Assisted Living. If not, LTC on Medicaid.

I agree with Joy...........if you are caring for a demented elder inside of your home, expecting to nurture a new marriage along at the same time, I think you're fooling yourself, frankly. Dementia is too much for most of us to handle alone, even with part time care-givers coming in,and so we reach a point where placement becomes necessary. If money is an issue, apply for Medicaid & get him into a Skilled Nursing Facility so you can work on your marriage, providing your DH agrees to stop gambling and seek counseling.

You really need to sit down & have a heart to heart talk with your husband to see where HIS head is at, too, so the both of you can reach some sort of agreement about how to proceed here. Does he want to stay married? Is he so stressed out with the living situation that he's gambling again to cope? Does he love you? Do you love him? Is your dad the problem?

Honest communication and a solid plan of action will be the key to solving the dilemma you are faced with.

Best of luck!

Ahmijoy, you posted on something that sheds light on Geronimo's dilemma, something I hadn't even considered, and that's that her father is living with them.  For some reason I thought he was living separately, but his moving in with them could significantly change the dynamics.   

Good advice on the situation she faces.

I’m assuming your father lives with you and your husband? If so, was hubby on board with the whole thing? It doesn’t sound like he was. Telling him, “Well, I helped you out when your parents needed it!” Is not going to work. He has fallen back into his gambling addiction because even though it’s something he can’t handle (pretty much throwing money away) he finds comfort in it. You’re busy with your father and you’re making demands on him that he is unwilling to fulfill. He has detached from your new marriage and unless you do something. now, you’re going to lose him and your marriage completely.

As difficult as it will be, you need to make a choice; him or caregiving for your father. The past is the past. Your husband doesn’t owe you if he doesn’t want to help. You are tired—exhausted maybe. You don’t feel well. I know. I’m in the same place, but I’m the one who acts like I’m angry all the time. I have no help either.

If you choose to save your marriage, you’ll have to do some work. Dad will have to go someplace. If he has no funds, you’ll have to file for Medicaid and find a facility who accepts it. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Department of Human Services forhelp. You will have to be strong and determined to carry this through. You’re fighting for your marriage. If your husband is on board with this, he will have to get help for his addiction. That’s his obligation. If you make the effort to try to save your marriage and he doesn’t, there’s your answer. Let it and him go.

Adulting is never easy. You actually really have to work at it. You can talk and talk and talk, but if you don’t make an effort to change things, they only get worse.

1.  I think you might have to consider a separation, or divorce, especially if you already feel as though the marriage was a mistake.   Husband's behavioral change, gambling addiction, money control, excessive time away from the marital home, borrowing from a male friend...they're all bad signs.

I suspect Bro is influencing your husband to the benefit of Bro; although I know nothing about him, he sounds like a manipulator and user.   

2.   There may come a time when his financial excesses affect the stability of the marriage (if they haven't already), as well as the ability to remain in your current home if household expenses can't be paid.

3.   Has your husband actually been diagnosed as being bi-polar?   Does he show the symptoms?   Has he, or is he compliant in taking medicine?   If the answers are yes, yes and no, you're in for a wild ride.    You're wise to recognize it now and make plans, privately.

4.    Are there any POSITIVE aspects left to the marriage?  Sometimes thinking of it that way puts life and behavior into a clearer perspective.

5.    Can you continue to work while helping your father?   Bringing in a paycheck is wonderful for self confidence, especially if you're not getting emotional or adequate financial support from the marriage, and if it's getting close to a marital separation.

6.   How much care do you provide for your father? 

I suspect you chose your screen name for a purpose; try to live up to it, dig in deep for that warrior spirit and start planning a life with someone who doesn't financially abuse the marriage and who apparently spends more time with his "Bro" than with you.   

I wouldn't make this recommendation lightly, as I think both partners have to give and take, but from what you wrote, your husband is actively pursuing the "take" aspect and expects you to be the "giver."   You deserve better.

As to your post question, your husband seems to have an addictive behavior in gambling, but I'm not sure that your father has been any influence.  Addictive personalities are complex; I'm not qualified to analyze them more than that, but from what I've read and learned, they're triggered by complex needs, and become uncontrollable w/o intervention.    

How much do you know about your husband's life and background before you met and married him?  I suspect this isn't the first time he's been addicted to gambling, since you wrote that he "wants to start back gambling."   If he wins, he gets a high that he doesn't get otherwise.     So what is it that's pushing him in the direction of needing this high from spending money?

I don't know enough about the triggers to surmise if your father's dementia played a role; that's for a psychiatrist or psychologist, but the reality is the important issue, and that is that your husband seems to have a gambling problem.