We have our dad in a memory care facility but mom went and checked him out today - what can we do?

This got buried so bringing it to top: That may be the law, but in real-life, the POA can bring the person with dementia to a secured memory care facility and the facility will happily take the $$, whether the person has been "declared incompetent" or not. Then it's a matter of whether the person in the facility is capable of calling a taxi and leaving. If they call a taxi and firmly (yet not aggressively) insist on being let out the door, the facility does not have the legal right to keep them without guardianship or being "declared incompetent." Usually the person is so befuddled they can't quite get it together to do that. The facility staff and relatives deflect their questions, tell therapeutic fibs, create new schedules for physical therapy "so you can get better." The facility fulfills the law by having a phone available to residents, and providing postage and mailing letters for residents. That has been my experience in Maryland. Just one of the crazy parts--the facility must provide postage and mail letters for mom, but they can also abide by my request to have all of mom's outgoing mail sent to me. (This is a long-established facility with an excellent standard of care, nurses on staff 24/7, small buildings, garden paths, etc.) So mom is quasi-legally held against her will in this secured facility because my brother and I (the co-agents of the POA) said so, and we're using her money to pay for it without her knowledge. If she tries to mail letters to the outside world (such as letters to a lawyer, or request for a copy of her driver's license), the facility will mail me the letters. BUT, at the same time, mom is allowed to shower together with her new boyfriend (also a resident) and the facility says they can't stop her because it's a privacy issues (instead of a safety issue). Anyway, the point is--take dementia parent to secured memory facility and let the chips fall where they may. It will probably work!

Kasey 555, if your mom will voluntarily give up her co-POA (and sign such a statement in the presence of a notary public) then that statement could be attached to the co-POA document and should prevent future problems with that. An entirely new POA would be better, but your dad may or may not be deemed competent enough sign that. As others have said, POA is not as powerful as guardianship and depending on how the POA is worded and your Dad's level of incompetency, other problems might surface in the future. As you know, not living in the same area makes everything harder and more precarious. It would be good if your parents would be willing to move to a continuum care facility close to one of you, but, of course, that's also hard. Best wishes in this difficult journey.

It sounds like things are under control. Dad is back at MC, and mom is back at home with 24/7 care until you and/or your sister can get there, correct?

Going forward, you'll want to get the legal stuff out of the way: Healthcare and financial POA documents drawn up for both your father and your mother. I don't believe there is anything you need to do to remove your mom as co-POA for your dad, but read the document carefully and consult an attorney.

I don't think your mom or the MC facility did anything wrong.
Perhaps your mom just misses your dad. :-(

Is there a way they could share space in MC or ???

Does the POA have language concerning subsequent POA(s) if the primaries are unable to fulfill their duties? If not, you may need to consult an attorney. I know in TN when a co-POA dies, the other POA can continue alone unless the POA nominates subsequent POAs or includes a mechanism for subsequent POAs - mine allows the current POA to nominate new subsequent POAs after my list is exhausted. But I have no idea what happens when one of the co-POAs is incompetent is there's no language for at least one subsequent POA.

Yes, I think we are going to have someone with her until we get her situated in her apartment - we are going to have 24/7 with her until we get there next week. Do we need to convince her to give up her co-poa or have her diagnosed properly? How?

Did the memory care facility just let Mom, who I have to assume has been visiting driving and alone, take Dad out without notifying his POA for health care? This is very confusing. Discharge is usually more involved than this unless Mom, who you say is cognitively impaired, drove there and just snuck Dad out? More details would help.

POA can only override Dad's wishes if he has already been deemed incompetent.

I may be way off here, but even if the sister with POA is out of state, she still has the power. Can she order the facility not to discharge Dad without her specific approval?

Can you please give a few more details? Thanks.

Who checked dad in? Obviously, one of the sibs needs to be there until both are situated. Dad was probably badgering mom with wanting to go home. Very common.

Dad still has the right to leave and unfortunately mom helped him.

Is it possible for them to share an assisted living apartment until they become more accustomed to the place?