HelpPlease1963 Asked December 2019

What do you tell a parent who asks everyday to move in? She won't listen.

My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.

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I would suggest that you tour several homes, pick out two or three that you think would be a good fit. Most offer lunches for potential residents along with their tour, let them pitch her.

My mother fought moving into one too, now that she is there now, she loves it.

As for her insistence to move in with you, just keep doing what you are doing...saying NO....I would just hang up or leave when she starts, keep your boundaries in place.

Helpful Answer (21)

A lot of people who resist AL eventually decide to move and they find they really enjoy being there. They are no longer isolated and there is always "help" if something happens. AL facilities have programs and activities all day long every day. It's sometimes overwhelming. But it's an excellent realistic option for seniors who have health issues, are isolated or no longer can drive.

(5)

Even even if your mother moved in with you, she would be lonely since you work. My mother moved into an independent living facility with activities going on all the time. That satisfied her need to be around other people all the time, and gave her things to do.

Helpful Answer (18)

That’s what I would have pointed out. Moving in would accomplish nothing than her being lonely at your house plus the added stress on your household, watching the decline, taking on a literal shitshow in most cases so most people won’t blame you one bit for not allowing her to reside with you.
Try watching some YouTube videos on her disease and HANDLING her... the different types and stages will assist you when you do get her to a dr, and yes you need to make her go, it’s imperative in establishing what you can expect as it progresses and help you plan effectively for future placement... hanging up and snapping doesn’t do either of you any good because she maybe doesn’t remember even asking you once let alone 5 times a day.
Ive been short, I’ve been snappy and many of us here will admit it but getting educated is key in my opinion. I think Teepa Snow explains the types very well and I found a VA Hospital video that help you understand that her “very real feelings” are valid TO HER and how to handle those without losing your mind or taking her dignity either.
I bet if “it was her idea to visit facilities yesterday” (hint hint) you may visit a couple since you made appts to visit... perhaps she doesn’t remember that 24/7 care and socializing was the best choice you two came up with regarding her loneliness yesterday 😉 I think in many cases her short term memory will be first to go so use that to your advantage maybe? And try not to be impatient if you can help it, you’ll just feel bad later.
good luck and please get educated it helped me 110% within an hour or so I promise
huggs

(5)

She refuses to see a doctor?

If she refuses to help herself, don't beat yourself up for not doing more for her.

Helpful Answer (17)

Is it possible that mom associates counseling with mental illness and thinks she would be stigmatized by getting counseling? I've known quite a few older people who have this antiquated attitude. They simply do not understand that mental illness is just a health problem and not a crime.

(5)

Stop visiting so much! Tell mother you'll see her once a week or twice a week for an hour and when she starts carrying on, it's time for you to leave. Period. It's a no-win situation for both of you when the dialogue goes south, so why hang around when you know you'll start yelling & then feel badly afterward? I'm in the same situation with my mother, so when things heat up, I get OUT of there.

I agree with Dolly..........tour some ALs, pick 2 that you like, and take her for a visit. Let her pick one and that's it. She's not moving in with you so that's not an option no matter HOW much she carries on. Here ARE the options, mom: AL #1 or AL #2.

She'll probably enjoy AL living!

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (15)

Thank you. So if you don't mind me asking, what are you experiencing with your mother?

(1)

HelpPlease, I think before you can figure out how to move forward you need to know for sure what your mother's cognitive status is. I read below that she refuses to see the doctor. If I were in your situation, I would tell her that before you'd even consider her moving in, she needs to first have a full medical check-up (and can include a discrete cognitive exam and test for UTI) and get all her legal documents taken care of (PoA, Medical Release forms, Medical Directive, will, etc). Of course, you have no intention of moving her in with you. This "therapeutic fib" is to do something in her best interest that will allow you to help her in other important ways.

Once you know facts you can make better decisions that are more realistic and compassionate for her. I'm an only child also. My mom's been single all my life. I get it. Good luck!

Helpful Answer (15)

Awesome suggestions!!!!

(5)

Try taking your mom on a few tours of assisted living. They will provide a lunch. It will be a nice outing. It is only going to get worse from here on in. Tell her again that moving in with you is not an option so this is the best alternative.

I know how you feel about such a change. I was watching old movies of my father just a few years ago. He was vibrant at 88. At 92 he is just existing, not living.

Helpful Answer (14)

Here's the deal...from what you have stated...you visit her daily for 90 minutes and it’s ground hog day every time. Do you see the pattern here? Why do you need to go daily? Part of the reason she doesn’t have a need to go to an ALF is she has you coming daily. You do not need to go so often. Set strong boundaries and go maybe twice a week. And if she calls you after work and it’s only complaints, tell her, mom if you’re going to complain or "repeat the same request" I’m going to hang up now. Or another option don’t answer the phone. The more she is on her own and you are not available the easier it may be to get her to try out AL.
you say she refuses a doctor...I’m going to say she needs one! All the signs and symptoms point to depression, obsessive thinking and likely start of dementia. Based on her past history of illness it’s quite likely. You might just go ahead and make her an appointment, and then give her an ultimatum. Mom we’re going to visit a doctor to help you feel happier and if you won’t go and help yourself, then you leave me no choice but to stop visiting. I can’t take your behavior anymore as it’s stressing me out. Or something similar.
if that doesn’t work, then I’m sorry but you are going to have to distance yourself from her. And like you said when she falls or gets ill enough for a hospital visit, things might change.

Helpful Answer (14)

Thank you

(1)

Your mother sounds depressed. Has she been evaluated for depression?

There are meds that can help.

As you say, her brain is broken; part of the broken-ness of a brain with dementia is a shortage of the chemicals that make it possible for people to be content, not obsess and not ruminate.

Please get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist soon!

Helpful Answer (12)

I would love for her to but she refuses. I sometimes wonder if it is the beginning of dementia. She surely can remember. She remembers everything. She said she lays in bed thinking about all the stuff that she has or hasn't done in her life. We sold some things (junk) several years ago, and she wants all of it back. The aging process is STUPID!

(10)

I think you have given her the option I was going to suggest. She has refused it. At some point she will not be able to do it on her own and will HAVE to take that option. Somehow she thinks she can wear you down. I think you have gently to repeat that you did explain to her that moving in with you is not an option. That you are sorry, but it will not work for you and your family.
You say that you are trying to protect your husband from this. Is he not supportive of you? Of your Mom? Because I understand that he may not want her to move in with you, but I don't understand that he cannot support you and speak with you about how hard this is on you. That is part of what a husband and wife do, support one another.
I think one reason this is so difficult for you is that you are not recognizing and accepting that everything in life cannot be fixed, that to some things there is no good answer, that you are a human being with limitations, not a Saint. Saints end shot through with arrows, and spending eternity trying to fix everything for everyone. It is a hopeless task and a bad job description.
Recognize that there is nothing you can do. You ARE doing what you can do. Give the options to Mom as you have already. Gently repeat them. Change the subject. Your Mom should be evaluated for depression, and for dementia, and you should get paperwork in place to act on her behalf in the future.
Sorry. Wish I had answer. Wish I had them for you, for me, and for all of us. But some things are just painful, and without a perfect answer. That's life? Am I right. On any given day, that's just life. It is so very painful to hear someone say "I am so afraid" and to feel that you SHOULD/you COULD fix it. But the truth is that you cannot. Sooner that you can accept that in your own head, the better. So very sorry for all this pain.

Helpful Answer (12)

Thank you so much for your prophetic words. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. I am trying to protect him, and I guess me too in that he went through something kinda of like this but my mother's situation is worse. She like to have driven him crazy. I don't want to bring in this situation too much. He asks every day and I say "Walter Cronkite", which means that's the way that it is. When my mother is around him, she acts pretty normal. After she leaves or we leave her house, my husband says that your mom looked okay to me, are you sure you are not exaggerating. I say, you don't have to see or talk to her daily.
She is worse in the mornings. Hard for her to get going, and that is when she mostly starts with all of the complaining. It is less as the day progresses. She doesn't sleep much. Just lays around ruminating. My father died with cancer 15 years ago. He was sick on and off for 28 years of my life. I was use to him having health problems. My mother is physically healthy, except for weight loss. It is just her brain. Sometimes, I wish something would happen, not too bad, to get her to the hospital, so I can get some help for her.
Anyway, thanks for being a listening ear.

(6)

How about nooo!!!!!!
My mother begged me for 5 years to relocate to where I live. I almost died from a ruptured appendix and caved. It took us 7 months to close in a house we bought together. Every time i asked her if it was really a good idea or if she thought maybe we should stop the process she said things like " you just dont want me there. " or " you dont want me to be happy". We bought a beautiful old house and renovated it. Its gorgeous. We live in a wonderful area and she can walk everywhere. She has completely assimilated into the community and had many friends and does a lot of volunteering. Here's the catch...shes a narcissist.
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She told me I coerced her into moving here so I could have a house with my boyfriend (who is my husband now, God bless him) . She told me of all the mistakes she ever made in her life this one is the worst. And on it goes. I have made peace with the situation after all this time, but she is a nightmare. Shes showing signs of memory loss and I know the worst is yet to come.
Please let your mom own her own misery, it doesn't belong to anyone else.

Helpful Answer (12)