I wrote to the forum and got some nice responses of which I am grateful. HOWEVER, this light obsession has morphed into Dad not just having a few kisses but he is playing cards, gambling and now at "one of those houses" where she says he is paying women for favors. Mom has been on Zoloft 100 for years now but they tried Remeron which did nothing, in fact she seems to have gotten worse. Over the weekend Mom called every 10-12 minutes. When I let the phone go to message she was wailing that he was gone, left her for someone. It was heart breaking! The doctors now have just put on the lowest dose of Risperdal. Last night was her first dose. She called at 1:34 am and I shut off the phones. The aides at the facility shared that the night before she came out to the general area all night trying to get to him. The told her repeatedly that he had passed. She can't comprehend he died 3 years ago.
I don't know what phase this dementia is because she still showers and brushes her teeth without any prompting. She wears the same exact clothes for 7 or more days until someone takes them while she is sleeping and puts them in the wash. Her conversation is limited to this subject and anything you tell her is forgotten in less than 20 seconds or so.
Has anyone seen a similar pattern with their parent or loved one? My father could not have been more faithful in his love for her. She....well, she may have been a lot to handle for him as it relates to flirting and perhaps a bit of straying.
Thanks for any advice.
4 Answers
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Dementia erodes the brain; it creates obsessive thought patterns that cannot and will not budge, sometimes, no matter what is done. Your mother honestly believes her husband is alive and carrying on with other women because her diseased brain is telling her so. Telling her that her husband has died is not going to sink in; and if it does, then she gets to relive the pain and shock of his death EVERY time she's told. Diversion is the key to handling her behavior. That and ignoring it.
Her doctor should be able to come up with a medication, or a combination of medications, to soothe her anxiety because that is what you are seeing here: anxiety. Give the new meds a chance to work but if they do not, then call the doctor and try something else. The goal is to calm her DOWN without wiping her OUT. The following medications are often prescribed for dementia sufferers depending on the level of agitation/anxiety/hallucinations, etc. they are experiencing:
aripiprazole (Abilify)
clozapine (Clozaril)
haloperidol (Haldol)
olanzapine (Zyprexa)
quetiapine (Seroquel)
risperidone (Risperdal)
ziprasidone (Geodon)
If you feel you cannot take her phone away at this point in time, then at least turn off YOUR phone so her calls will go directly to voice mail. The MC will contact you in the event of a true emergency. At some point, however, a phone is normally taken away from a dementia sufferer for obvious reasons. My aunt would call 911 repeatedly and cry HELP ME HELP ME until it reached the point where her daughter had no other choice but to remove the phone. Your mother CAN get calls where she lives and she can also make them, they will just have to be made at the desk area and that will cut down on the number she can make, etc.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with such a tough situation.
I think my mother has guilt feelings as she was an extreme flirt and may have strayed on my dad when we were kids. She is turning that around on my late father now I believe.
Just last evening she called to say that it was her birthday and my father was off playing cards and womanizing. Had to remind her dad passed and her birthday is months from now.
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Your Mom has something stuck in her head and she is not able to let it go or understand that Dad is no longer with her. It takes a while for a med to be effective. My daughter, RN, says it can take up to 30days to find the right combination. Its kind of hit and miss.
First thing I would do is lose the phone. There is no reason Mom still needs it. Just make sure the DON and staff know u took it so they don't go looking for it. My daughter says a report has to be written up and then its found a family member has taken it. Staff is required to call you when something happens even a skin tear. You can call the desk and check on her. Eventually Mom will forget about the phone, out of site out of mind.
Mom will eventually get out of this stage into the next.
Dementia is a weird thing. My Mom lost the ability to use a phone and remote early on. While some people can still use it but shouldn't.