Placing my mom in Memory Care Friday, mixed feelings.

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Soveryweary Asked December 2019

Placing my mom in Memory Care Friday, mixed feelings.

My mom was very controlling all my life. Emotionally abusive.
My dad passed October 1, he was a sweetheart, she was quite mean to him, especially when he was on Hospice. He was a buffer between us a lot of the time.
I had to move in with her several months ago because she can no be alone due to her dementia.
I've tried having caregivers during the day while I work and me taking care of her nights and weekends, but I can no longer do it.
She picks on me constantly, yells and is just miserable. My mental health is at stake and all the old feelings from my growing up years are surfacing.
I guess I’m looking for others who have placed a mean, controlling parent in a facility.
She is going to hate me. She tells me all the time how angry she is at me. I’ve made peace with that. I’m just worried about her combative behavior with the staff, last time she was hospitalized she shoved me, kicked and hit the staff. They ended up putting her in soft restraints for a while and had a patient sitter with her.
Wishing it was over, my daughter is going with me. We are telling her she is going to get evaluated for physical therapy to get her there.
TIA and hugs to all of you walking this road...

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Memory Care Mental Health

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score 1 · Answer 1

I hope the move goes well and maybe like others have said in other posts, once your Mom adjusts she might enjoy the companionship. I also wanted to say that I’m sorry you lost your Dad. Sending you a couple of hugs.

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score 4 · Answer 2

When my mother was in Memory Care and in Skilled Nursing, she also became combative. We discovered she had chronic urinary tract infections and that caused a lot of her behaviors. She was never more than verbally abusive, and relied on sarcasm to get her points across. I was as kind and pleasant to her as I could be. I kept in close contact with the staff that took care of her, and when they realized I cared and would do all I could to make their caring for my mother easier, we became a “team”. With Mom, I armed a strong defense. I didn’t visit and sit in her room and listen to her sarcasm and borderline nastiness. When she was “on a roll” so to speak, I left. There were people who cared for and about her there and my presence was not required. If I wasn't there, I couldn’t be her target, could I?

You are doing the right thing. You are not responsible for who your mother was or who she is now. Sending hugs and good thoughts.

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Thank you, love that “If I wasn’t there I couldn’t be her target.”

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score 3 · Answer 3

I have, my mother is a must miss. My brother and I talked and talked to her about selling her house and going into AL, she refused, we gave up and just waited until something happened, and it did, she had a slight stroke, it scared her, we sprung and placed her in AL.

We thought that she would be a nightmare to deal with, we are surprised, she is a pussycat, loving it there, making new friends, not alone 24/7.

Believe me, she won't hate you, she will get over it. Of coarse, like many, she will complain about everything and want to go home. She will do everything in her power to manipulate you to get what she wants. Set your boundaries, keep them in place, be firm with her.

She may needs some meds to calm her down, that is ok, my mother takes a small dose of Xanax everyday, it does help her. My mother is 94 and has been Hell On Wheels all of her life, I do understand.

Take care of you!

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Thank you Dollyme...
xanax has certainly been MY friend!!

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Placing my mom in Memory Care Friday, mixed feelings.

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