How do I get my Dad to agree to move Mom and him? Mom has advanced dementia and Dad is experiencing some memory loss.

Stop asking dad and just do what works best for safety, for you, for family. You would be surprised at how much an assisted living / memory care / nursing home will bend the rules a bit, be flexible for your situation. The facilities have seen it all.

Marie, have you gotten the police and APS report? It sounds like you may have spoken to them? What prompted this 5th visit? Ask him if he wants a court appointed guardian that may place her anywhere, because that’s where he’s headed, or you can petition for it. His choice. Easy or hard. So sorry, this must be so frustrating for you.

I am sorry Marie for your parent's situation and all the stress it has and will continue to bring into your life. I went through a similar situation with my parents only my mother was the stubborn one about continuing to care for my father with vascular dementia and heart problems. I am so very sorry you will probably find my post very painful to read and think about too. I do not want to hurt you in any way, but I want to share a perspective that might make confronting your father and pushing for your mother's necessary care a determined choice.

A blood sugar level of 67 means your mother was at high risk of descending into a coma. A coma from which she might not ever recover. You father's memory problems could just be stress related or they could be the first sign his health is failing under the demands of caring for your mother. If you continue to avoid confrontation, how are you going to feel when your mother dies from your father's care giving mistake? How is your father going to feel and react when he knows his actions contributed to your mother's death?

When I was in this spot, I decided I would rather live with the fallout of a confrontation than years of knowing I could have changed the outcome if I had acted. So I told my mother I was petitioning for guardianship of my father and if the court granted guardianship I would be placing him in MC. She resisted and tried to talk me out of it. I told her I had made up my mind and was going forward with or without her agreement; I wanted Dad to have the care he needed and I didn't want her health totally broken by trying to continue caring for him. A couple of days later, she told me she would support my guardianship petition.

I was granted guardianship, I placed Dad in MC and moved Mom in with me. Both of my parents experienced immediate improvement in their general health and spirits. A year later, both were still in better shape before their age related declines began again. My father died last March after 42 months in MC. My mother continues living in my home with very limited mobility. I can share with you that as hard as the confrontations and guardianship was, the stress was far less after Dad was safe in MC and Mom wasn't ground under with his care. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and I could see a path back to my own life again! Dad is gone but I have no guilt and few regrets because I know he had the best care I could manage. My greatest regret is I didn't act and obtain guardianship a couple of years sooner. My mother missed at least a couple of quality of life years because I delayed.

Ahmijoy is right. "You need to find the intestinal fortitude, overcome your fear of your father’s attitude and find a way to carry this through." Avoiding the confrontation might seem like the easier road, but I don't think it really is. You care too much not be impacted by the road not taken.

Marie, sorry if your think Amjoy is harsh.

The REALLY harsh reality is that if your dad continues to resist better care for mom, the State will get guardianship for her and he will lose control over her placement.

Will your dad accept that he needs to play ball in this situation?

We had a similar situation with a family member. Fortunately, they were able to afford 24/7 private pay aides for my aunt's care and thus State guardianship was not implemented. However, my uncle "fired" the aides every week. Fortunately they understood that Uncle was not in charge and they hid out until he calmed down.

I feel for your situation, but clearly your mom's life is in danger. Are you afraid of dad's anger, or do you think that challenging him will cause him to dig in his heels? How do you think you can best resolve this?

You asked how to convince your dad to move Mom...do you confront him strongly? My answer is yes. There’s a few scenarios I envision. If shes not getting the appropriate insulin, her safety is at issue. You could wait until she has an ER crisis, then tell the hospital your dad cannot care for her and has 4 APS reports, and she needs placement. They may or may not place her against his wishes. Crap shoot. So, the alternative is Yes, I would confront him strongly, and tell him “that you love them both but your Mom needs more care than anyone can give her even with occasional aids. It’s a Herculean task. And she’s going to go where she’s safe all the time. It will be the easy way (he agrees) or the hard way (you file for guardianship). He’s welcome to come along or not, but it will happen.” That’s how you convince a hard head.

Amijoy is a very compassionate poster here and those of us who have been reading your struggles all feel badly for you and know it’s frustrating. Sometimes we try to light a little fire under people to help move them forward. It may sound harsh since you’re so completely fed up with the situation. But we’re all here to try to help.

Wow. This has been going in for at least five months, as per your posts back in July of this year. It sounds like things aren’t getting any better, just worse. Have you done anything to try to remedy the situation or are you just thoroughly frustrated by Dad’s stubbornness and sibs refusal to help?

What you do now will depend entirely on how far you want to take this and how determined you are to advocate for your mother’s safety and on some level, your father’s as well. I would explore filing for guardianship for your mother. You’ve already dealt with APS and there is paperwork. Did you ever call to find out why they never followed up?

You need to find the intestinal fortitude, overcome your fear of your father’s attitude and find a way to carry this through. Writing to us is ok for venting your frustration with the situation, but truly, we can do nothing from here.

Move Mum to a nursing home, preferrably one that will have varying levels of care, perhaps once Mum is moved yu can move Dad into the AL side of the home.

I thought you said that dad was first POA for mom?

If you have POA for mom, can you move just mom to a NH?