My husband and I just sold our home and bought a bigger home as I have been caring for my mother (86) since 2015. I need advice.

“My mom has required me to take off work in order to care for her 24/7 for 6 weeks.. “

I’m sorry to sound so rude, I truly don’t mean to be, but if you are over the age of 18 (at least in my state) your mom can’t “require” you to do anything. I believe in one helping their parents, but it’s OKAY to a draw line & set limits. It’s up to YOU to determine how much you’re going to take/put up with.

I think you are giving her too much free rein. Often the elderly cannot part with things. I buy my mother new clothes and would like her to get rid of old threadbare ones.. If it is really in bad shape I announce we are getting rid of it. There are generally small protests but I simply indicate holes in item etc. Others I leave alone even though I wish they could go..Anyway this is small potatoes regarding everything else going on.

You need to set rules or standards with her. She is walking all over you. You sound very passive in your post. I understand many elderly people become difficult and I don't think in this instance it is a good idea for her to live with you but if she must you need to get more control over the situation. In every instance you describe she is non compliant. She is in your home
You set the rules with your available time,expenses and other matters. If she won't comply then she should live elsewhere. I realize this is all very difficult to go through but you have done everything to appease her and she is not grateful or compliant. I just think you must begin to exert more authority over the situation. The first step most likely should be financially. Figure out what you need to happen first in that area. Don't expect her to become reasonable as that is not her personality and she has gotten this far with her demands being met while the quality of your life is diminishing. The stuff in the garage can probably wait but the financial and use of your time issues need to be dealt with. I hope you find the strength to move forward








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I agree with what Riverdale has written.

But the bigger question is why would you consider moving someone who is demanding and uncooperative in with you? You CAN say "no, mom, that doesnt work for me".

Why can't her resources be used for Assisted Living nearby?

I guess the pink elephant in the room is...why are you moving her in with you? If you had issues with her . living in a mobile home why do you think a bigger house is going to work? It's not.

You seem to have no boundaries with her, so she just walks all over you. This is not just a her problem, it is a you problem too.

Before I moved anything, I would have told her what SHE was going to have to pay. And, how much do you charge her to live with you?

The bottom line is "This will not work" so, what is your plan? There are many good books written on Boundaries, Amazon has a nice selection. Why not get one, so you can better understand your part in the nightmare.

Valentine, from reading your profile it appears you have some decades long issues with your parents. I'm wondering if that life long pattern of behavior is impacting your ability to see your mother's condition/capabilities clearly. Has it occurred to you your mother not doing anything and wanting you to take care of everything is a coping mechanism for a loss of executive function from vascular dementia? She might have some short term memory issues where she doesn't remember some of those promises she made to you?

As far as your mother demanding _you_ do everything and she doesn't want any outside help, that's a decision the _two_ of you are making together. She demands and you agree instead of telling her you cannot do everything and some outside help is required for her to be able to stay in your home.

I suggest you make a list of expenses (like the moving fees) your mother should pay for and have a discussion with her about the items on the list. See if she agrees those are her expenses and she should reimburse you. Keep the list and the receipts so when your mother needs to qualify for Medicaid you can prove this reimbursement was not a gift.

Then make a list of monthly household expenses you would like her to contribute to funding and see if she will agree there too. A care giving agreement would probably be good too, both for Medicaid qualitication and if your nephews ever start questioning where grandma's money is going. Do not count on getting anything from a will because (1) all her assets will mostly likely need to be spent on her care, and (2) any care you provide your mother for "free" to preserve assets for an inheritance is effectively you giving your nephews at least half of the money.

You may need to go through the garage boxes with her. If I'm right about the vascular dementia, she may be totally unable to do this by herself. She may not even be able to do it with you, not being able to distinguish between items with sentimental value or things she will not need/use again or maybe just not having the physical energy to do the sorting.

You have gone through a very stressful period of your mother's decline and probably focusing on getting through each day and week without pulling back and really looking at your mother's capabilities and developing a long term plan based on her limitations and continual declines. I know I went through a period where I though every crisis was a short term problem to get through, only to find an additional "crisis" was coming on sooner and sooner until it seemed there was no break between them. Since you believed moving her in with you would reduce at least some of that stress, it is very difficult to realize it's not a magic cure. You may be able to make some adjustments in your own mindset (you count too, decisions needs to include your best interests and not just your mother's or your mother's wants) and in your care model and be able to care for your mother in your home.

I'm hoping your current stress and frustration is fueling your rant over past issues concerning your parents' treatment of your brother because that's in the past and cannot be changed. I'm not saying it was fair and you are in anyway wrong to feel hurt and angry over it. I'm just saying holding on to anger for years isn't good for _you_. I encourage you to get some counseling to help you move on and maybe change the way you view care giving; even just ranting at the unfairness to an understanding ear can be very helpful. It appears you might be trying to gain your mother's approval or "prove" you're a "better" child than your brother.

Please contact your local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment. Let the SWs determine what services your mother qualifies for and accept them, even if your mother is initially unhappy over having strangers in the house. You may even want to consider placement options, AAA can help you find something your mother can afford.

Stop letting mother continue to take such terrible advantage of you! I'd give her 2 choices....she either plays by YOUR rules 100% which includes paying monthly rent and reimbursement for all she owes you to date, or you place her in Assisted Living where she will use the proceeds from the sale of her trailer until those funds are depleted. A few months before that happens, you will apply for Medicaid for her to live in Skilled Nursing Facility moving forward.

She can either go thru her garbage in your garage immediately or you'll be happy to call 1-800-GOT-JUNK to come load it all up, on her dime, of course, which is quite costly by the way. You owe it to your husband to put your marriage first, before the ridiculous demands your mother is putting on you, which you are allowing.

She's not the Queen Mother and you're not her servant, nurse maid or scratching post anymore. Period.

It's time for you to act like a woman who demands respect and for mother to step up or move out.

You deserve more than you're expecting from this woman. Enough is enough.

Good luck standing up for yourself and setting down firm boundaries with your mother.

Valentine, you've gotten excellent and insightful answers, which I suspect may come as a surprise to you as often these situations are viewed as one person's offending behavior when in reality each contributes  - one person is more subordinate, the other is stronger.

Your comment sums up the situation very accurately:

"She just ignores me and knows I will take are of it all."

It's this relationship that has to be addressed first. 

In terms of packing, moving, etc., some moving companies assist in packing.    If you found one and they came over to begin packing, it's also an opportunity to start discarding unwanted things.  

As to packing the mobile home and "hurrying up", there should be a time specified in the purchase agreement by which your mother has to vacate.    You might want to consider using that time to find a company that will pack and/or discard so you're not stuck with the entire job yourself.  

If Mom objects, she has the option to do the packing herself.  It's her funds that will be compromised if she's not out and has to pay rent to the purchaser, a standard provision in residential real estate transactions if I recall correctly.

I found a really top notch Veteran owned company that helps sort and pack, and removes unwanted "junk" for disposal.    I haven't explored moving items as I'm not at that stage yet.    The owner and his team work with me, plan and stage, and are the best group of people I've experienced in cleanout and disposal projects. 

There are other ways to address the moving project, but I think the first is to examine how Mom came to be so domineering, and how you came to be submissive.    This unhealthy relationship is really at the core of the situation.

I know this won't be easy, but develop a very healthy respect for yourself and it will become less difficult over time.  

Another aspect that concerns me is that she apparently isn't sharing any of her financial assets with you for her care.    Hard as it may be, you need to address that, and fairly soon.

Why on earth did you do this? She was already refusing any outside help, why would you put yourself the position of having to provide 24/7 care to a person unwilling to help herself?

Are you in the US and perhaps looking at Medicaid in the future for Mum?

First before any of this happened you needed to have a written agreement in place. It would include how much rent Mum was to pay, her portion of the household expenses and groceries. There would have been rules to set out what you are willing and what you are unwilling to do for Mum.

You should have had in writing that Mum was responsible for her moving costs and any costs related to cleaning and repairing her home.

You are really up the creek now.

So what to do at this point?

If you do not have have POA in place, get it. While talking to the eldercare attorney, get a caregiver contract and tenancy contract in place too. It will help with the Medicaid look back period.

Be very clear that Mum has to pay her way. This will include mileage for appointments, rent, a portion of the utilities and groceries. She also has to pay for hired caregivers.

If this has always been the dynamic between you two, then I don't think it's a cognitive issue. But it's never too late to change how this relationship will work moving forward. You must decide what YOU want and then act on it.

If you are going to be your mother's personal full-time caregiver she must 1) make you durable PoA and 2) pay you for doing so, and 3) pay rent/utilities/food. If she doesn't agree to all 3 of these very reasonable requests, I would start visiting AL communities (with or without her) and start asking about price, Medicaid, etc. Breaking this to her will need to be a very calm conversation, followed-up with visits to the AL places. Once she sees you mean business (and if she doesn't have dementia she WILL test you on this) maybe she will agree. BUT, never make a "threat" you aren't willing and able to carry out. Or, as a compromise to #1 she could finance in-home care by an agency for at least part of the time, but this is a distant second choice for you and hubby. Just because your mom "expects" this or that from you, you are in no way obligated to deliver it. Good luck!

I am so sorry about your situation. Now that you have written out your feelings, you need to take a deep breath and sort out your priorities. Find an opening to discuss your future plans with your husband first and then the both of you talk to your mother . Explain that moving to the big house was just the first step and now is the time to work out the financials before it gets too late.