I was my mother’s caretaker for 15 years. She passed away about 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t grieved. I just feel empty inside. Ideas?

Oh sweetheart you have been grieving her anticipatory passing for all the years you cared for her. I I understand this type of grief because i also lived that process with my mom who had alzheimer's. You watched her go through her transition to heaven and it's okay if you cant grieve the way you thought you would. I am sure there is a sense of relief and a new normal for you now. The darkness and heaviness has lifted now. It's okay to focus on yourself and what joy and fun you want to create for your life now. You gave enough of yourself and now you can give to your own life. Give yourself time to go through the steps of grief. Find your new purpose. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I gave myself time, then realized that it wasn't enough, so I backed off on everything that had to be done except the basics.    Part of the grief arose from dealing with post-death issues; for several months it was hard just going to my father's house to begin asset disposition.   With contractors, it wasn't as bad b/c then it was a project and we worked together.  But alone...that was just too much.

I think there are also a lot of "what ifs" and "should I have?" in terms of how we handle the last months and years of our involvement in someone's life.    I set higher standards for myself after my father's death, so there was a need to balance when was done vs. what could have done, and stop the self recrimination.

Don't set time limits, don't set tasks other than absolutely mandatory ones, and create plenty of time to review, remember, and then remember in positive terms by segueing back over the years to better times.

Now I try to remember all the things I learned from him, as well as from my mother and sister, and how my life has been enriched through them.   Then I think how I want to apply those benefits to the rest of my life and share them with others.

My mom passed on 12/15/19. I looked after her for 6 years and provided the best care that I could including the angels of Hospice who were there when she passed. She wanted to die and had wanted to for 20 yrs. Unfortunately she was not into the grandkids, not into my life as I thought a mother should, and was narcissistic to no end.

I was out of town when she passed. I had pre-arranged all the arrangements so that she'd be well cared for and taken care of when she passed.

Do I feel sad? No. Why? Because she received what she wanted, to die in peace. Do I miss her? No. Why? Because she was not involved in my life or interested in my kids or anything but the news or whether Trump would be impeached or not.
Will I miss her? I'm not sure. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I don't miss him. Is that wrong? I don't know. Did I look up and talked to him and ask him what I should do when Mom had one of her rages at the ER? Yep. Did it help? I don't know.

Everyone is different and in different situations and everyone says that. I guess I feel weird in that I should feel bad and grieve as society tells you that's what needs to happen, but I don't. And then some will say that that is ok too.

In short, you will feel what you will. No one should tell you how to feel, how long it will take, or whether you'll feel anything at all. It's up to you as it's up to me right now.

My dad just died a few weeks ago after I had cared for him in my home for 9 months as his dementia progressed. It was a relief but also a sad struggle to watch him die. It was only a short time until Christmas and I hadn’t done a thing so I went about doing my shopping etc. suddenly feeling so free not needing respite care for him. I’ve found that I sort of put my grief “up on a shelf“ to do Christmas. Now that it’s over it’s creeping out in little ways. Not an over the top boo hoo fest as it was when my husband died, but more of a melancholy feeling as I think back over my memories of caring for him and the fact that a human life that was important to me is now gone from this plane of existence. Having experienced a lot of grief this one is really different for me but I’ve also learned that grief is full of surprises and no 2 situations are alike.

We all grieve differently, and sometimes that grief is a sense of relief instead of the pain that we usually associate with losing someone. When my grandpa died there was a sense of joy in his passing because he was so very ill and in so much pain. He was one of the most important people in my life, and I loved him dearly with all my heart. It has been more than 40 years and I still think of him often. But I have never felt the expected feelings of painfulness. Instead, I skip over the bad and remember the wonderful things he did to show me love. When my grandma passed there were a few days of extreme pain at losing her, but overall it was a feeling that she was no longer struggling and in physical distress. She was a vital part of my life and losing her was devastating, but I knew it was coming and perhaps I had been in grieving throughout the time she was passing instead of at the actual passing. Like my grandpa, I still think of her often. Both of them had a major role in raising me.

Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that fits for you. I truly believe that when people are ill for a long time, the grief is very different from what we expect it should be. As caregivers, we see a different side to things, and that is okay. Fill the emptiness with wonderful memories of times before your mom got sick and you became the caregiver. Do NOT compare yourself to others who are feeling the pain of your mom's passing right now - as her caregiver your experience with her was very different from theirs - it just seems normal to me that grieving would be different, too.

Don't beat yourself up. You probably shed lots of tears as their lives dwindled away, and as you were losing the very capable person who cared for you. There may well have been no tears left to shed when they finally left this world. Be kind to yourself.

It's ok, Look up Kubler Ross stages of grief. Most folks follow that progression of grief. When my Gram died I felt relief: relief that she no longer had pain or disability, relief that mom (primary caregiver) was free of this responsibility, and relief for myself (secondary caregiver) that I was free for new opportunities. If you are concerned after reading Kubler Ross stages of grief, find a grief group... like GriefShare which usually meets in churches.

I didnt grieve for either one of my parents, my Dad who I was very close to was in a Nursing Home and was very ill, it truly was a blessing when he passed! Grieving just didnt feel right because it was a relief! I reminisced about his life and celebrated the Love he had for his wife and his family! My Mother had Alzheimers and I lost her long before her body passed, so it was hard to grieve the loss of someone who didnt even know me in the end! I took care of my parents for 10 years before they had to leave their home! I felt such saddness when that happened! Sometimes the memories bring a tear but they both had a good life together for almost 60 years!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Caregiving is such an immersive experience...we often slip into the role and it ever increases with the person's needs and our providing assistance, often in so many ways and for so much of our daily lives...and then, in a blink...it is over. So my guess is you are grieving in your own way, but maybe you just think not compared to the image you have in your mind of what it looks like. I don't think it is a straight or cookie-cutter kind of path and is as variable as the individuals involved. Also caregiving for such a long time it is as if you have been grieving and anticipating the loss all along...if you feel up to doing anything, help others...if not...maybe a nap? Cut yourself some slack. And if you want to talk about it, find someone...

Everyone handles grief differently, at a different pace, there is no timeline.

Many churches offer grief consoling you may want to check into this.

Part of it might be...now...what do I do with my life? This may turn out to be a pivotal moment in your life.

I wish you the best, be gentle with yourself!