My out of state brother has POA and is sending me threatening emails and messages. What can I do?

Lynn, if you are your mothers caregiver, you should being paid for that job.

A caregiving contract should be set up and wages paid with taxes, SS and FICA deducted.

Clearly your mom wants the dignity of paying her own way.

Your mother doesn't have to pass every "dementia exam" out there to be deemed competent to make this decision on POA. She IS competent as you describe her; take her to an elder care attorney and he will examine her wishes with her with simple questions as to what she wants to do, in laymen's language. Describe it just as you did here to us. That she has some problems, but is capable of this decision. That you are not able to manage her care.
I sympathize with you brother's plight; he is likely a "numbers" guy while you handle "real life". He is worried about her money lasting.
So, yes, I would take on the POA knowing that this requires CAREFUL management and bookkeeping and is NOT EASY (I am doing it, so know that) and you must be accountable for every cent. If not, tell your bro you will not be micromanaged, and if he continues it you will put your mother into care, where he will understand how much life REALLY can cost.
So you have two choices. Speak with him, or speak with Elder Care guy. AGAIN, watch what you wish for. POA is NOT an easy task.

3 nurses daily! 24/7 care, she must have significant health issues.
That’s a deep six-figures a year being paid.
So does mom have lots & lots of assets? Like well over 1M? & with all sorts of investments that are continuing to add in more $$$?
Do you have a bead on moms assets & how feasible for continuing to pay for 24/7 nursing staff plus property costs for 5 yrs future?

I ask cause I bet your brother - as her POA - is looking at the overall situation and an 86 yr old who needs 24/7 oversight means her private care costs are hemorrhaging $. He is taking his “fiduciary duty” as POA super seriously. & he is horrified for her future needs and is flummoxed as to just how to deal with you as it sounds like you are somewhat interdependent on her $. That from bro’s viewpoint, $wise putting mom into a facility will actually be better use of her $ as it will likely cost less than 3 RNs & you; and it’s 24/7 staff & services for her so beyond whatever can be done in a home; and facility will take care of incidentals needed like they have on site beauty shoppe; and facility has activities programs and transportation too. So no more of your asking every so often for $ for bingo, or haircuts.... etc.

To me, you & bro need to have a sit down with whomever is her financial advisor to take a hard look at her $ and what is the projected outflow for the next 3 years ASAP. The $ just may not be there. If so, it’s best to know that now and start to sell whatever needed to ensure her care for another 3-5 years private pay in a facility. 86 with 24/7 care isn’t going to get better at 87. If you are dependent on moms home for your having a roof over your head, or using her car, you need to work out something equitable to compensate you for your past caregiving. The financial advisor will have estate attorneys they already work with that can come up with options for you all. I assume mom has lots of $ and Medicaid is not ever in her future so that could be done.

"She has not been deemed incompetent by any Dr. or Court." Do you accompany your mother to her doctors visits? How advanced is her dementia? Does your brother also have medical POA?

If your mother is unhappy with how her son is managing her money she does have the right to seek a consultation with an elder/family law attorney. Does your mother still have her checkbook? Why does your brother have veto power over what sounds like nickels and dimes? Why does your mother not have money to pay for a hair cut?

Who was the attorney who prepared her POA papers? Can she call him or her up and make an appointment? If she can still do those instrumental activities of daily living herself, then the attorney can explain her options and determine whether or not she understands the basis for a caregiving contract with you and the basis for changing her POA.

Yes! Have you considered that your brother knows more about your mother's financial condition than you? Maybe he's concerned she will run out of money for her care! In-home care is very expensive.

Also, if your mother ever needs to apply for Medicaid (which is very common) they have a 5-year "look-back" which is very strict and demands very good record-keeping. Your mother's well-meaning purchases on your behalf would probably be viewed as "gifting" her assets and could cause her to not qualify when she needs it most, or incur penalties. Sorry, but you need to stop receiving those things from her without your brother's permission. He is ultimately legally responsible for her medical and financial well-being. Don't make it harder for him than it already may be. Please just be cooperative with him in this, for your mom's sake.

Ugh, I have the best aid in the world for my mom, but she is the first to say without family supervision, it will turn into a disaster.   How expensive are these things?  Maybe your brother does not understand how expensive personal care items can be for the elderly?   Can you ask him, will he come and spend a week and get a better idea of your responsibilities and needs?

LynnieM, I don't believe that you don't see the problem.

You buy certain things with your mother's permission to pay yourself back for certain things for her that you've paid for at your own expense because your brother has interfered with the supply chain...

Come *on*. Your mother has dementia. Your brother has POA and is accountable for her finances. You are the primary caregiver, and you are accountable *to* *him* for money you spend on your mother's behalf.

If your mother's dementia is really not affecting her too badly as yet, she is free to change her POA. I'm not saying I think she should. I think it would be far better for your brother and you to work out a clear, straightforward system for managing her expenditure.

If your mother wants to compensate you for your time, she needs to tell your brother that and he will need to be certain that she's not doing so under pressure from you. She's still perfectly entitled to do it, if she can afford it, but the way you and she are going about it now leaves you wide open to accusations of undue influence and financial abuse of a vulnerable elder, and you can't be surprised that it's freaking your brother out. Little presents and treats may be sweet gestures of appreciation normally, but in this context they are simply a no-no.

What sort of thing has he rescheduled and cancelled?

Letter writer lynniem126 later states about the out of state brother with the POA: "He lives in my Mother and Fathers $1,500,000 home for the last 30 years for $1500/month. My parents paid for his Sons extra $40,000 year of high school at some fancy school."

I'm wondering what the will and/or trust states. Does the POA brother get the home when mom passes? Is the home value to be divided among the surviving children? A $ 1.5 million home is a huge asset that could finance a very nice assisted living continuum of care unit for mom, so that daughter would not have to try to juggle care between herself and 3 outside certified nursing assistants.

If POA brother is living in an expensive home for sub market rent, he may be concerned that the cash outflow will impact his lifestyle (i.e. the home may need to be sold to provide cash for mom's care.) That is Mom's property as far as we know, and it's reasonable to assume that her assets will be used to finance needs later in life. If I were the LW, I'd tell brother since he's the POA, he needs to figure out a care plan for mom and take it from there. LW is apparently getting nothing but grief from this arrangement and I suspect the brother may be dipping into the mom's assets for his own use. Been there, know how money will distort people's sense of honesty.

Your brother gave his kids $18K each from your mother's money? Why aren't you being paid for taking care of her? And you paid >$5K for your mother's needs out of your own pocket?

This is madness. Why are you being bullied by your brother? If your mother hasn't been deemed to be incompetent, she can change POA to you. Would she do that?

I suspect your brother is trying to preserve as much of the estate as possible for HIM and HIS FAMILY.

What does the will say?

If he's the POA and HCPOA and your mother won't force a change, then she should be living with HIM. You cannot be an effective caregiver/care manager if you aren't allowed to talk to her doctors.

It sounds like the OP and her brother have more issues than just who is in charge of what costs. It sounds like he's trying to make her life difficult by micromanaging from afar, exercising extreme control.

It's hard to tease out what in his behavior is good fiduciary duty and what is sheer meanness.

I don't see how a caregiver can fulfill their obligations to the person in their care without being able to talk to doctors, help mom live as she wants, etc. POA seems to be blocking her for unknown reasons, but he's certainly happy to let her be a caregiver so he doesn't have to take direct responsibility.

This sounds toxic and a little dangerous, in the sense that POA holds all the cards and could hit caregiver later with accusations. If I were her, I'd get a lawyer and (as some on here have recommended) come up with a contract covering all eventualities, and then keep meticulous records so if someday you have to go to court, you've got your rear end covered.