Mother in law moved in. What now?

I have my MIL for 7 years now and her health has declined. She is 99. What a mistake that was!! No privacy, no vacations in the last 3 years and husband won't put her in a home because he thinks she won't make it there. He is her caregiver 95% of the time and it has been a nightmare. She is in her our living, our diners and everywhere else. We have to watch her constantly because she might fall. We did get help from Medicare, 23 hours a week. My husband and I run out the door once the girl arrives. Thank God we have been married for 51 years (both are 71) and God keeps us strong to handle this. You need to stop this train before it crashes. Find a place close by and start the paperwork necessary to get Medicaid. Good Luck.

When I was 18, my parents moved my mom's mom into their house. They did it willingly and grandma spent 6 months a year there and 6 months a year at another child's home. At my parents' house, it was the same thing as you describe. She had a private bedroom/bathroom/kitchenette set-up but chose to hover around the main part of the house other than at bedtime. It created a stressful household. This arrangement ended after close to a decade, but my parents never stopped arguing over who did, or didn't do what, and why/how the situation devolved over the years. My parents marriage was never the same and they were STILL arguing about it a decade after grandma died. This is not a good situation for you and your future, guaranteed!

You don't want Dora to feel unwanted, but she IS unwanted. You already told her you wouldn't be taking her in if her husband died before her, and here you are, having taken her in! And having your wife quit her job 2 years before retirement??? That makes NO sense!


Figure out how to get your MIL out of your house and how to get your lives back on track before it's too late.

Good luck!

Who told Dora it was okay to stay for more than a night or two?

You all sound very timid about saying "this isn't working out for us". What are you afraid of?

How did Dora end up living with you? Your wife made the decision out of guilt? Leaving her job 2 years before retirement...does that really make an logical sense?

Me, I would apply for Medicaid for her and find her a place to move to.

You have probably already figured it out...this is not going to work. Good Luck!

Just tell her it’s not working out for you and move her into a facility. Period. That’s the short answer.

Edward; I understand that Dora was unable to live in the conditions that existed in her home in Florida.

How did that morph into "she had to move into our home"?

That's where we are all having a problem figuring out the thought process that went into this.

The first thing to do now is to get her a "needs assessment". You can request this from her doctor or from the local Area Agency on Aging.

You need a dispassionate and professional person's advice on whether she can live independently or needs a certain level of facility care.

Once you know what her needs are, you ascertain her resources and what financial help she is qualified for.

There is no "have to". Especially not in NY.

So first you did tell us that you made it clear that Dora would not be coming to live with you when she (jokingly?) said she would do JUST that.
Then you skipped to she is living with you.
So yes, it seems this is a done deal. I do hope you and your wife spoke about it before it happened. Because quite honestly it is too late now.
I would schedule a meeting with your wife once a week in which you sit together over a nice glass of wine (or two) and discuss how it is going for EACH of you. What is the UPside. What is the DOWNside. And if it is not working, what is not working and can it be fixed. If not, then you need to go to Dora and say that you are sorry but it is not working to have her living with you. That the three of you will now begin to explore her options of where to stay on her own nearby or in some level of care. But that there is NO option to stay with you.
That's about the only choices isn't it? You let her stay and you make it work, or you don't let her stay. This is all made more difficult by the fact none of these things were discussed BEFORE she came, including what her costs would be moving in. If she is to pay to income in exchange for care, or income to you for staying with you, it needs to be done by contract drawn up, and I would use a lawyer, because of course there are tax implications and you will need to find out what they are.
Wishing you all good luck and hope you will update us as you go. Every caregiving experience on the forum is an education to others on this journey.

If Dora has a decent space set up to include a nice lounge chair and her own TV, then there is NO reason for her to be dominating your living room! Her daughter is the one who needs to be telling her, under no uncertain terms that she needs to retire to her bedroom after supper so that daughter can have some private time with her hubby. And there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with wanting and needing this to keep the marriage strong and happy!

After my mom passed away, her mother, aged mid-90s, moved in with my cousin, who was newly married. Together they bought a split-level home with a bedroom downstairs for her and a suite upstairs for my cousin and his wife. But my grandmother was not happy because she was alone all day while my cousins were working and then after dinner they went upstairs for time to themselves. When my cousin's wife got pregnant, my aunt decided it was time for my grandmother to go to a retirement community. And once she got over her initial resistance, she loved it - people around all the time who shared her interests, activities going on. She said she should have made the move years earlier. Living with family is not all it's cracked up to be, even for the older person. People get along better and appreciate each other more when everyone has their own space.