My step mom and dad live in a loft in downtown LA. They loved their artsy lifestyle and can’t let it go. Dad is 94 with dementia, plus feet and hernia problem. Can ambulate briefly with cane. Is sometimes physically combative with home aide and step mom. He has a VA social worker. Threatens to throw himself out the window if anything changes in his care. Step-mom is 90 with Parkinson’s and CHF with difficulty walking. She manages my father’s care. They live on the opposite side of the country 3000 miles away. I have visited 1x per year for several years. Step-mom is getting sicker and has been in the ER and hospital a couple of times in the past 3 months. My dilemma is this. If my dad is left alone after my step mother passes or is hospitalized they cannot afford full time care at home at $500 a day. So he will have to be placed in a nursing home. I feel so badly about it because he will be combative and probably have to be wrestled and restrained. Even if I was there he wouldn’t listen to me. They have refused to move into assisted living or nursing care through the VA and now are at the whim of whatever bed is available at the contracted VA nursing homes. Is there anything I can or should do? I feel like if I don’t go out there to help him I’m a bad person. So much guilt, so little help.
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Do not allow your parents to manipulate you. You live far away. You deserve to live your own life. You are not going to move closer so you are doing everything that you can. Do not feel guilty. They need to cooperate and allow others to care for them in a facility.
Tell them it is no longer safe for them to live alone and you feel it is time for a facility because you are not going to be their caregiver.
Have you spoken to their doctor? Has the doctor spoken to them about living in a facility with a professional staff? Maybe start there.
Best wishes to you and your family.
My guess is that based on their ages and health something will happen in the very near future. Start preparing for the inevitable.
Maybe you have already done this but focusing on the fact that Dad earned/paid for his VA benefits and it is a waste not to use the benefits he worked so hard for to help both of them now would help? But an extended trip, as long as you can manage, to see them and deal with this in person is probably in order if you can swing it. Coordinating with any other siblings or step siblings if there are any so you can all be there at the same time would be great too and then you can all share the leg work and "business" of investigating options and setting it up. Ideally of course it would be best to find a place that has an apartment they can live in as well as a skilled unit (maybe even memory care unit) on site for when that's necessary to keep them together that has and caters to that "artsy" population they love but you can also kind of recreate it wherever they are since it doesn't sound like either one of them get out in the world much anymore. I know this is a tall order since it also has to accept VA benefits but you never know how many of these criteria you might find once you are on there, boots on the ground. Good luck I know this is all easier said than done.
Lymie has been around for a long time and I personally find her answers thoughtful and outside the box, which is tremendously helpful in dealing with dementia.
Thanks for shouting out to her, I would hate to see her leave because of this.