Is it alright to have a first meeting with siblings about our Mom, without all their spouses?

Maybe completely off the subject, but if you mom is tattling/trashtalking/making stuff up about her care, it may be time to say "mom, sorry, this isn't working out anymore; you have two choices. Live with one of the brothers or go to a facility, where we can all visit and tend your needs".


You sound SO burned out; you will NOT get your brothers (or SIL's) to understand how much you are doing, or that mom, with dementia, is mis-representing what is going on.

Please stop killing yourself and feeling resentful.

I think that anything that feels like separation should be avoided. That is how it felt to your SILs, whether you intended that or not is beside the point, they felt that.

I would get the ladies together and ask them to please forgive me, I am really stressed and didn't think this through, I truly only wanted my mother's sons to hear me. I know how much they depend on you as a spouse and I thought that they would never hear me with you all present. I was blind in my thinking and I really hope that you can forgive me. (Hugs all around) then tell them about the meeting and your stress from everything that you are enduring with your mom.

We all screw up, it is how we deal with those mistakes that matters.

I hope you can mend the hard feelings and work together as a family. Hugs for you!

"I really just wanted it to be with my brothers only for our first meeting." If all you wanted to get out of that first meeting was to hear your brother's opinions that could have been achieved by calling each of them individually and asking frankly: "What do you think we need to do about mom?"

I suspect that you are not bothered by your husband having meetings about his mom without you because you have your hands full with your own mother.

Understand that your brothers are married and they make decisions jointly with their wives. The choices made for your mother will affect everyone - you, your spouse, your brothers' spouses, kids, etc. Caregiving must work for everyone involved. If you want your brothers involved, it behooves you to include their wives.

I agree that you have alienated allies. Swallow your pride, call each of your SILs to apologize, and then ask them individually what they think about your mother's declining health. Consider inviting their wives for coffee and cake to your home. The sooner you make peace with your SILs the sooner you will have your brothers' support. If their wives aren't onboard, your brothers won't be either.

Rebecca, I think you may have made a tactical misstep in excluding the SILs. You’re married, so you probably discuss your Moms caregiving with your husband? Your profile says you visit her once a week...you probably come back and discuss her condition with him? He may give you advice or you agree on visits or money spent on her? So to exclude the SILs from plans which may include caregiving duties or money that they may need to contribute...the brothers probably wouldn’t make any decisions without their wives, and would go home and talk to them anyway. You say that they don’t do much anyway, but that’s their choice. If my husband committed to something in a meeting to which I wasn’t invited, there would be problems if I don’t agree with it. Their attitudes may not have changed at this meeting, but at least the cards would be on the table. So in my humble option, I would try to backtrack, apologize for the faux pas, make amends, and try to regroup with the entire bunch.

There have been numerous posts here about the pros and cons of including spouses in care plans.

I am not married, so I do not have a spouse to include, but I would never exclude my sil from a discussion about my parents' care needs. When my step dad was dying she was an incredible support and help.

You have in the past asked your sils to help with Mum, then excluded them from the meeting where you were discussing Mum's care. That would upset me too. You expect me to step up and help with caregiving, but not have a say in what that care giving may entail.

Or do you expect your brothers to decide what roles their wives will play?

You say you are burning out, yet you are cutting off your nose to spite your face by not including your strongest allies in the discussions. You have hurt your favourite SIL, perhaps permanently damaged that relationship.

How do you reconcile that you want help, but not from your sils?

Who cares is Mum talks about you to your siblings when you are not there? Why is that a problem?

You appear to want to control everything, from who has a say in Mum's care, who provides it, to who Mum talks to and everything in between.

You have 8 potential allies, 4 brothers and 4 sisters in law. 8 people who can help with Mum in some manner. Yes, this also means 8 differing opinions on how Mum's care should be provided, but so many here are having to provide care to their parents with no help at all.

I understand being the oldest and feeling the weight of everything on your shoulders, but you have 8 people who can take some of the burden off you if you are willing to give up some of the control.

My H's mother is still alive (lives alone; is a fall risk). She is 86. If/when the time comes that she needs care, I expect the 2 POA daughters will try to get $ out of everyone (5 sibs total)to fund Mama's at-home help or facility care (although MIL says she will have to be carried out of the house, and I think she means not alive). We believe that the house is to be left to the one D who never married.

I won't agree to chipping in $ for this. MIL inherited $ from a cousin, and she blew through most of that traveling the world. And why should we pay to save someone else's inheritance (the D who will inherit the house)? The house should be sold to fund MIL's care.

So, yes, I would be expected to be involved in any decisions regarding MIL's care that involve MY $.

Some people want to be included because if there will be monetary issues, that may be a family decision.

If you are burning out, you may have to let others help.

Rebecca, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can tell your mom's behavior (saying untrue things to your brothers about you) and her increasing care needs are depressing you and burning you out. You even said yourself you are feeling a sense of burn out. Girl I get it! The depression that can set in with this can be overwhelming. I've been there and in my duress I would react emotionally and come away worse than I was before.

I see that happening here. You wanted some attention from your brothers to help you deal with mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same way! I'm sure you never intended to hurt your SIL's feelings, but that was unfortunately the take away. And unfortunately it's a valid take away as they are the spouses of your brother. Next time include them, it's not worth the drama not to and their main concern is probably fear that they are going to get volunteered for something they don't want to do.

At this point I think it would be a good idea to just be honest with all of them. Tell them you are depressed and burned out, and why. These people (siblings and spouses) care about you, it's best to let them know you are struggling and then accept whatever help they can give you. The SILs will likely stop being angry when they see that you are actually hurting pretty badly.

The other thing is to work on your own solutions to the depression and burnout. Therapy helped me. Coming here and reaching out really helped me. A little self care can go a long way to help your mental health.

Eventually you will have to figure out what your role will be with your mother going forward, and it's much better to do that when your not crippled with depression.

Good luck and know that you are not alone. Come back often and let us know how things are going.

I would feel slighted too.

If anyone (family especially) asked me to meet up but not with my husband, my answer would be HELL NO.

Anything that needs to be said to me can be said in front of my husband too.

If you were worried your brothers wouldn’t listen, then say so up front. “I’m really worried about mom and I need you to hear me out” comes across much better than “I don’t want your wives there.”’

Support comes in all forms.
Family comes in all forms.
When a sibling marries or takes a life partner that person becomes family.
If a sibling has a supportive spouse why exclude them from a family meeting.
Would you exclude a spouse from any other family get together?
As a parent, spouse or friend declines due to health issues you need all the help, love, support that will come your way. In some cases you might even find that spouses are more helpful, more supportive than blood relatives.
The old saying..It takes a village...is so true not just when raising a child but on the other end of the life journey.
Include everyone in your "village"
and another..A burden shared is a burden halved.