How do I deal with a frustrated spouse who’s at the end of his rope because I am caring for my father in our home?

Thanks to everyone who shared. You all made very good observations. Sunnygirl1, your comment that dad has some strong needs is a good one. I think what upset my husband the most was that my dad was hospitalized two weeks ago after a viral infection. During that time he had great difficulty caring for himself. now, two weeks later, he’s much better. But for a while, we were worried if he would make it! The whole family has been discussing what the best plan of attack is. I think we have decided to have him come back, stay a while with me and prepare for the apartment, and then go back up to his lake house and stay there with me until we’re ready to move him in. My husband and I talked again later, And he was much calmer during our discussion. I think he’s just afraid that we will not be able to care for him if he gets severely ill again, and he has a point!
we are lucky that the independent living place that he is moving to has many supportive services. Residents can pay for additional nursing support, such as administering medication, and even support dressing and toileting. As residents get closer to the point of needing assisted-living, these professionals will inform you when it’s time to move. They even have several rooms specifically reserved for needier residents, that provide three meals daily and assistance with dressing, showering and daily needs. It’s truly a wonderful place, and there’s nothing else quite like it around here. It’s so nice to have a sounding board to share concerns like this! Glad I found this site!

"He is currently away visiting with relatives at his home in the lake..." Can't he stay there for another two weeks until he can move into his new apartment? It's familiar and safe. Can you go there for the two weeks until his new apartment is ready?

Your husband is drawing a line and I would not cross it. Your husband already knows "it's only 2 weeks" and yet he still doesn't want your dad back. If your husband has had enough, I think you need to be the one to make other arrangements for you and your dad.

Geeeeez, you are caught in the middle of it all. Can dad stay elsewhere and you spend that time wherever he is with him?

What about a respite stay at an assisted living facility? Some places offer this and then you can remain home with your husband and can merely visit him as often as you wish.

I feel for all of you.

Best wishes to and your family.

I understand your husband's concerns, but it IS only two more weeks (right?) and it IS your Dad. I would think that perhaps it could work SOME way. What about if you and your Dad go together to stay at a motel or if your Husband takes some time off for a brief trip? Stays with a friend? Something like that. I guess I would beg, plead and promise it wouldn't happen again, but then I would have to KEEP that promise. You could also get that unfurnished place together with a few blow up beds, your linens, a box of pots, pans dishes and go stay with him there for a bit. When I visit my bro I stay in his trailer with a couch, a foam pad on top, a pot, a coffee maker, a fork and spoon basically. Oh, and a flashlight as there's one lamp for night. Kind of "camping out". Wishing you luck.

Oh my....that's tough. I do see why your husband may have concerns though. It sounds like your dad's needs are substantial. I'm wondering how a person with those kind of needs would be able to make it in IL or in an apartment alone. Has he considered AL? With short term memory loss, taking medications is really very risky, because, the person isn't sure if they took them or not and can overtake them. And, incontinence can be very time consuming and work intensive. If he needs more direct supervision and hands on care, I'd explore that option, especially, if he can afford it. Maybe, your DH is not underestimating the work involved.