The plot thickens, Now have three to care for and several households. Any advice?

Stop trying to be super woman. Your sister and her husband are adults. Yet you are making their failure to plan for themselves your problem. Stop trying to fix their problems. Direct them to the hospital's case manager and county's social worker and tell them they must start learning how to help themselves.

Your brother's and husband's needs are only going to increase. You have both living in your home. You only made a promise to one - your husband - in sickness and in health. What happens when something happens to you?

Jo, this is far too much for one person to handle. You cannot facilitate your sister and bil's desire to not have 24/7 care in a facility and provide it yourself.

Follow up with APS, tell them clearly that two vulnerable adults are trying to care for each other and not managing.

Send a letter outlining your concerns to their doctors. The doctors may not know how bad it is at home and that there is no help available.

Have you looked into respite care for your husband? If you can get that, perhaps you can grab the dog and run, at least for a week or so and recharge your batteries.

Good Luck.

Jo, if your relatives refuse care for themselves, that does not equate to YOU having to provide for them.

I remember your last post. You thought sister would ask to move in.

You are not going to be able to do this for long. You have a husband to care for and that is what you need to do. Your brother needs to go into LTC. You are not going to be able to handle him as you age.

I would call APS again. Maybe Office of Aging. Explaining you r already caring for two people. That your sister and her husband need help that you can no way give. If they chose to continue doing it on their own then so be it. You cannot be "it" for everyone. Thats why there are resources out there. And helping is enabling. Why do it for themselves when Jo will come over and do it.

If low income, Medicaid may help but your sister needs to apply in the end. You can lead a horse...I am surprised APS did not point them in this direction when a NH was not an option.

I have a 30 yr old nephew that has physical disabilities and a neurological problem. He can be on his own and I oversee his spending. He has the maturity of a 19 year old but is capable of living alone. He doesn't drive so I take him shopping and to appts. I refuse to enable him. He is 287 lbs on bone structure that can't support the weight. He is now borderline diabetic having problems with circulation in his legs. His BP jumps up just walking from my car to his apt door. His has been told by drs. he can't go on like this. I have fought for 11 yrs for him to keep himself clean and (when living with my Mom) his area kept cleaned up. No, he can't live with me for the reasons I have listed hygiene and a slob. If my husband was allowed, he would clean up after him. I refuse to allow it. He needs to move. He needs to keep things straighten up. I am talking about plastic bags all over. Junk mail all over. Dishes left in the sink for days. At 70 yrs old I refuse to do his cleaning. He is perfectly capable. He choses not to do for himself. He wants to do it his way. I refuse to go into his apt because it upsets me to no end. I take him to Drs. and he doesn't do what he is told. I am 5ft tall. I have told him I refuse to take him by wheelchair anywhere. I have a bad lower back that I refuse to make worse because he doesn't do what he is told. He will end up in a NH. He doesn't care so why should I get upset and I do. But I cannot control him.

So, maybe you should just allow sister to do her own thing. When her home gets really bad then call APS so they can see that these two need help of somekind. For now do because sister fell, but make sister realize this is just temporary. She needs to do it herself or call Office of Aging to help her find resources. Its up to your sister to find help for her and husband. You can point her in the right direction, she has to do the foot work.

Here is https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/ a site that might be of some interest to you.

You do not need to do everything for everyone...perhaps some therapy would be of help to you. Good Luck!

I concur with those who've wisely pointed out your main obligation is to your husband. That will be plenty of care and it will be high quality.

Have you heard the adage, "Jack of trades and master of none"? Or, "a mile wide but an inch thick"? This is you, spreading your "care" thin so that no one person gets great care and eventually your own health will suffer...and then what?

I would call in social services for your brother and sister and allow the county to get guardianship of them. Then they will be safe and get the care they need and you won't have to worry or wonder where the money will come from. Those 2 are adults and have had their whole lives to plan and prep for the eventuality of their aging. They own what happens to them going forward, not you. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first, then your husband's. That's it.

You can request to speak to the social worker at the hospital where your sister is. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends. Who is going to take care of you when you get sick?

I am exhausted just reading about your life. Start making any necessary changes needed to make life easier for all of you.

Prepare for arranging professional care in facilities for your loved ones. Don’t feel guilty. You are not super woman. Fictional characters don’t exists. We are all mere mortals.

Sending you a bazillion hugs! Vent anytime.

Oops.
I had to take my sister to the Emergency Room.
She will probably be admitted to the ICU.
I took her husband to the ER and left him with her. I feel guilty, but dunno what else to do.
I told everyone how bad this was and one nurse was gonna get case management, but they never came.