My Mother is 85 blind in 1 eye & is and has always been a negative person. After my mom's third eye surgery the doctors all said she couldn’t live alone. So since my daughter & myself were the closest we moved in to help her.
I have a sister that just will not have anything to do with our mother and a brother & sister who are only around for holidays or special occasions. I get blamed for everything bad that happens to her. But she’s always been that way so after a while you get used to it and move on. My question is how do I get my other siblings involved ? I’ve asked 1000 times & it’s a no, they’ll help if they can. She just told me she’s cancelled eye appointments because of me because I make her feel like a burden. Even though I tell her she’s not a burden at all. I’m at the point where I have to record conversations because things she says to people are wrong. They all tell me how great it is that we’re there with her to help her. But it sure doesn’t feel that way. We clean & she gets infuriated that we’re cleaning, she gets mad when I have short conversations because the conversations always turn negative. I’m not going to argue with a 85 year old person even though that’s all she does is try & start fights with me for no reason. Now she’s starting in on my daughter and it’s not right. She treats her other kids the ones who barely talk to her like they are gods. But myself & my daughter are trash. I seriously think she hates me & for no reason. I really need help from my siblings & don’t know what else to do. May 1 2020 we’re moving out. I can’t live like this anymore & I don’t want my daughter to have to go through this.
My mother tells me today in addition to everything else that if we move she’ll have to go to a home & get rid of our dog. She literally said either find her a home or put her down. There is something completely wrong with her & her manipulative ways. She needs a psychiatrist to examine her mental stability that’s for sure. I don’t know anything about power of attorney but whoever in this family has it they have to make the call.
I just want her to live out the rest of her life being happy. I would also appreciate if my siblings would step up and help. Or at least acknowledge that they understand how hard it is on us. The phrase misery loves company is 100% with my mother. But I’m not miserable and will always remain positive. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
8 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You say that she's talking negatively to your daughter too. I'm not sure how old she is, but, I would consider how hurtful and damaging that could be to a child. I would put my child's welfare over my senior mother who treats me poorly.
ADVERTISEMENT
It sure sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia........she is exhibiting a lot of the signs & symptoms of the disease, so she should be checked out by her PCP as a start. Arguing with a person suffering from dementia is futile, so I'd agree with her from now until you move out. A pessimistic person seems to get 1000x MORE pessimistic once dementia sets in; a negative brain that becomes diseased winds up being a whole lot MORE negative, which is a real day in the park, isn't it? :(
She is also manipulating you by telling you to 'put her down'. My 93 y/o mother tells me to 'throw her out in the street' after I've been doing EVERYTHING regarding her care in Independent Living, Assisted Living and now Memory Care since 2011!!!!!!! That's a fine how-do-you-do for a loving daughter, isn't it? They know damn well we can't put them down OR throw them out in the street. It just sounds bad and is a passive-aggressive way to communicate for a person who has ZERO communication skills. They can't possibly speak the truth so they use phrases like that, the silent treatment, hints and innuendos, etc, to make us understand what they're getting at. It's exhausting and something I've been dealing with since I was a child. The 'beating around the bush' syndrome seems to be a favorite of my mother's and another passive-aggressive tool in her bottomless toolbox of zingers.
I'm glad you are getting out of the situation you're in, for both of your sake, you and your daughter's. Feel free to find her 'a home' in a nice Assisted Living community........but she'll have to sell her house to fund it, most likely, right? If so, help her get that ball rolling very soon so you'll have all your ducks lined up before you move. Or, better yet, get her POA involved since he/she is the one to make these decisions, not you! You're the Bad Guy, remember?
GOOD LUCK!!
You start out explaining that your mother has always been a negative person. So how does "just" fit in that phrase?
What you're saying, you see, when you pull it apart, is: I just want her to be a completely different person from what she is actually like.
Don't misunderstand me: I think you're right to move out, in particular to get your daughter out of there, and right to do it in a planned, organised way; and I think you should focus on ensuring that your mother's practical and emotional needs are met -which is not at all the same thing as believing that you have to meet them, by yourself, personally.
Don't you think your siblings might be right? They've recognised, perhaps, that no sacrifice on their part will ever change your mother; so why make it? They might have to adjust their view slightly once you're not there to take all the heat off them, but you can't force the issue.
It's a big, complicated subject, how to give somebody what she needs without damaging either yourself or the people you care about. But I'm so glad that you've started the conversation. Hugs to you.
Has she been evaluated by a doctor regarding her mental capacity?
There are assisted living group homes that will take the dog too. My Mom/SF had a pit/terrier mix. I paid for a doggie four and fencing behind their suite. I had to take the dig after 1 1/2 yrs due to Mom/SF physical abilities are failing, so the State would no longer allow the dog to stay. The staffers were sad when I went home and brought her here to TX and handed her over to our daughter. Dog is loving her new home.
If you talk with her doctor about these things and you have the recordings, that can be your ticket requiring her to be placed in assisted care. She won't have a choice as the doctor can legally force her into a nursing home.
Call a reputable in-home care company that can get you in touch with a caseworker they use for these situations. They will go over the issues you're having and take you to homes that will be a fit for your Mom and include the dog.
I am so glad to read you and your daughter are moving. Your life will improve so much getting away from your mother and her mental issues. When she starts in on you or your daughter, leave her presence. Don't tolerate a single bit of her crap. Take comfort in knowing you have that end date and will be moving out. Think about your new home and future waiting for you and your daughter.
Your mom has no right to demand anything with her ridiculous threats and guilt trips. It's up to YOU and ONLY you to decide how much you will assist her in finding a care home and/or a place for the dog. Dkentz gave good advice as far as calling a home care facility and having a case worker get involved.
As far as the siblings, I get it. Mine are the same way. I'm on my second year of having my mom living next to me and the first year I was very distressed that I got no help from my siblings and no support. I really started resenting them. But I've since accepted that they aren't responsible for the fact that I decided to move our mother next to me. I could have stayed totally hands off like they did, but.... I didn't. I felt manipulated into it by my mother, but in the end I have to take responsibility and not be mad that my siblings were smarter to stay away.
This year both of my siblings (especially my sister) have tried to be more supportive of me. But they still want very little, if anything, to do with my mom. Why? Because she's been a miserable, selfish, narcissistic person since we were all born! She's burned friendships, and even what little family relationships there were. My mom was an only child and when my dad died 20 years ago she selfishly cut ties with his extended family, with zero thought to how that affected anyone else.
That old cliche "You reap what you sow" is something I am seeing play out in my mom's life now. It's true. If you spend your life treating people like crap they don't want to be around you, let alone when you are old and needy -- and STILL miserable. So then they play victim. It just never ends with them. Again I say to you -- thankfully you are moving! Hurry May 1st!
Your siblings may come around more for you once they know you aren't trying to get them to take on the mother's issues. Mine did when I finally started conversations with "I know you can't do anything from Texas"..... and I just stopped asking for anything really. Now they feel safe calling me and do so much more often. I've also told them both that I am not at all willing to take on my mother's personal care when she can no longer live alone. She will need to be placed in a facility. Their response- Yeah, I totally understand. Imagine that, lol.
One last thing, we ALL want our older family and loved ones to live out the rest of their lives being happy. But for some people it will never be. I spent a small fortune getting my mom into a beautiful condo with gorgeous water views and had it fixed up to her every whim. Guess what? She is STILL miserable and treats me like crap. We can't MAKE them happy. That is solely up to them.
Stay positive for yourself and your daughter, and go live your best life.
A recent post talked about a psychiatrist’s comments on mental illness in the elderly: if this is new behaviour, it may be a mental or physical illness; if they have always been like this and now it’s just more so, it’s age and perhaps early dementia. If your mother actually said to find her a home (she knew that you couldn’t really ‘put her down’), you are quite lucky. That’s the best thing to do, for all of you. You may be more appreciated as a visitor than you are as a caregiver, and your siblings may be more useful once the pressure is off them. Good luck!
Why do you want to make her happy? It's a waste of time, because she will never be happy. She will never tell you that you've been a good daughter and she loves you. You're trying to win her love after all this time, and it isn't going to happen. She isn't capable of love or gratitude and that isn't your fault. She is mentally ill and doesn't see her problems... just the problems of others.
You moved in with her and you did everything you could. She doesn't care. You could move her into a mansion with servants at her beck-and-call 24/7, give her anything she wants on a platter... and she would still be miserable and mean.
It's sad she is like this, and I know you want it to be different. You deserve a mother who was kind and appreciative. It's not going to happen from her. Just be a good mom to your daughter and have the relationship you will never get from your own mother.