Dad with dementia thinks I should be looking after him and my mum who has Alzheimer’s. They are both in nursing home now. Help!

Thank you all who have answered. Such great advice which I will certainly make use of. I never thought about his chair being removed from his room. I’ll certainly talk to the staff about that. Then he would have no option but to elevate his legs on the bed instead!

This sounds like such a painful situation. Two things jumped out at me:

1. "Everything I did was apparently wrong."
2. "I don’t want him to think badly of me at the end of his life"

If the dementia is causing him to think #1, then it may not be possible, logically, to resolve #2.

I would try VERY HARD not to worry about what he (or anyone) thinks of you at the end of their life. You can't control what another person thinks, especially with dementia. You can and should feel gratified and proud within yourself knowing how much you love them and how much wonderful care you gave them (including the decision to place them in a nursing home). That's true with or without his good thoughts about you.

You did what you could for as long as you could, but it stopped making sense, so you did the next correct thing - placed them where they could get all the care they need.

You have loved them and done so much for them - at this point, the best thing for them, and for you, is professional care.  It is simply beyond what can be managed at home!  If they suffer from dementia, then they will not be able to understand this, but the facts are what they are. You urgently need to care for yourself!

First, get that chair out of his room. My mother didn't sleep in a bed for seven months when she first moved to a nursing home, and as a result her legs swelled to three times their normal size and began leaking water like a tap. It was horrific. I moved her to a new nursing home (for other reasons), and we "didn't have room" for the chair, and she has to sleep in a bed. Now her legs are 100% improved and they've been able to cut back on her diuretics.

As to you other problem with your dad, as I said to another poster earlier today, your job is to take care of your parents, which means you need to make sure they're safe, have a roof over their heads, and food. You have done that. What you are not required to do is to sacrifice your life and health to do the work that takes an entire staff of trained professionals to do. Your job is to visit and bring news of the family and love them as much as you can.

I don't know how long they've been in the new place, but if it hasn't been too long consider taking a break from visiting for a bit to enable him to settle in and learn to rely on the professionals a bit more. I will say that the dementia patients at my mother's place seem to settle in pretty well after a couple of weeks especially if the families aren't hovering around a lot in the beginning. I had a hard time doing that with my mother, but I finally had to treat it somewhat like when I took my kids to school and had to leave them behind -- they're being cared for, they won't perish from missing me, and I'll be back later.

You just can't argue with a person suffering from dementia, so just agree with dad that you placed them where they could be cared for PROPERLY, because you're just too tired and in too much pain to do it yourself anymore. Period. That statement may stop him in his tracks, who knows? If not, just keep repeating that line as necessary.

You are a wonderful daughter and dementia is the Bad Guy here, not you. Sending you a big hug and my best wishes for a peaceful path moving forward

It’s the dementia. Don’t make any promises.

You realize there is no reasoning with him. I too would have answered "yes your here because I can not physically care for you and Mom" no more explanation because he can not absorb too much info. He can no longer feel any empathy. They get self-centered like a child.

I doubt he is doing this on purpose. Its is the Dementia. I have a feeling he was always a demanding person. The Dementia seems to make this worse. You can't change how he thinks. They seem to get stuck on things. It can be something that happened years ago but they fixate on it. Since this upsets u so much, just visit for a little while or walk out when he gets going.

Oh my he knows how to push your buttons. Great big hug!

You did the right thing by placing them. What parents do not understand is that we don't want them in a facility either, but sometimes that is the only best choice we have.

This is his dementia speaking out. He would never say these things if his brain wasn't broken. I know it still hurts and it is work to not feel like this is what they really think. It is not. He loves you and somewhere deep inside he remembers everything that you have done and he appreciates it.

Remember to take care of you during this difficult transition and don't make any promises to him.

You are a very good daughter, they are where they need to be. If you father wants to be a jerk that is his choice, and, it is not a reflection on you.

Don't let him toss the guilt card at you. You are entitled to your life, your retirement.

His behavior is unacceptable, visit less often and when he starts on you leave. Set your boundaries and keep them in place.

I wish you the best!

There comes a time when you have to put yourself first. If you don’t look after yourself how can you look after other people. YOU are entitled to a life. You are allowed to enjoy your retirement. You have been a wonderful daughter. And you are their daughter, not their carer.

How about you agree with him that you did ‘put him in the home because it was easier for you’. Then give him a lot of detail about why it was easier. And ask him if he had any other solution. It’s at least as truthful as saying ‘no no it was better for you’, and might get a different reaction. Nothing lost anyway. He almost certainly doesn’t think that it was better for him, because you were killing yourself doing such a stellar job.

Dear Els1el!
You are a very responsible daughter and you have done everything right. Don't feel bad, just be proud of yourself for helping your parents for many years. It's draining. And it is time for you to take care of yourself and your deserved retirment. Putting them in the home is the best for them and for your family as they are cared for 24 hour by professionals. Your dad may resist at first, but he will adjust (well or not well) along the way. Blessings to you.

no one wants to be in care. Don’t visit so often This behaviours will continue until illness progresses. Think of yourself. They are frightened and want to go back to the familiar whatever you do DONT bring them home. Get on with your life. This does not make you a bad person.