Why dementia patients can’t get nursing home care?

The first time my Dad did this to Mom...she told him in very clear terms it would be the last. She would call the police and press charges...he could then sit in jail.

he never stopped being verbally abusive to her and everyone else too. But, never again raised a hand to her.

as to you question, yeah, I think you can see why NH do not accept or keep these patients. Even memory care will not keep them once they turn violent. The Father of a dear friend ended with being tied down. At the end, she and her sister signed a do not treat. Next time he got pneumonia he died. She was a nurse, and told me that the violence is the usual end of Alzheimer’s....and withholding treatment the usual end.

Either you go or he goes. You are not helping him by staying. You are a trigger. Yet you choose to stay and accept his verbal and physical abuse. Only you can break that pattern.

You matter. You have options. One option is call the police, Baker Act him, let doctors medicate him, and let the case manager/social worker at the hospital find a long term care bed and apply for emergency Medicaid for him.

And please read some books about self compassion. Authors to look at include Tara Brach, Kristin Neff, Mike Robbins, and Mark Manson.

Gizmo, do you have Power of Attorney for him? If not, you will not be able to make decisions on his behalf. Has he been formally diagnosed with dementia? This would be important in helping you to help him and yourself.

As wisely advised below, if he puts hands on you again, you must call 911 and then get away from him, call a family member, neighbor, friend to come help you.

What you do ultimately depends on whether you want to legally leave him (divorce). If you just leave you are still legally entangled with him (especially if you have names jointly on bank accounts, assets, properties, etc). You will need to consult with an elder law attorney at this point. You can contact your local area's Council on Aging as they have many resources to point you towards.

This morning on this website a commenter offered this: forum.freeadvice.com. I have not personally used it but it may be helpful.

It is difficult to give advice without more details about your husband, as his abusiveness in the past is not necessarily relevant now if you haven't been calling the police and there's no existing record of any incidents. Mainly you need to keep yourself safe now and in the future, and decide what you want to do with your relationship.

If he has not been formally diagnosed by a doctor (so that it is in his medical records) this should happen. But it doesn't sound like he'll be cooperative in getting this done. You can use a "therapeutic fib" to get him in to see a doctor (like, Medicare is now requiring an annual physical) and then go with him to the appointment and pass the doc a note (secretly) asking them to perform a cognitive test and they will do it. This is how I got my MIL to be tested. The medical staff should be happy to help with this.

I wish you safety and wisdom as you move forward with your life!

Your husband can get nursing homes care but his behavior needs to be under control first. It sounds like he needs a psych evaluation so the doctors can find the right combo of meds.

I'm not sure what sort of answers would be helpful to you.

It's bound to be a question: on your profile you say that your 81 year old husband, to whom you have been married for eight years, has always been verbally abusive. So... what made you want to marry him? And what has stopped you leaving him?

Does your husband have any other family or other social networks? What are his care needs?

So your husband is verbally and physically abusing you. Call 911 if/when this happens again and have them take him to hospital for evaluation. Tell social worker he cannot come back to the home, it is her job to help find a place for him. There is help, you must take the necessary steps to get it.

There seems to be 2 separate issues here, as to your heading, dementia patients can and do get nursing home care. Why isn't your husband in one if you feel he should be? As to the abuse and your situation, you don't have to put up with that. Leave him if you need to.