I have a caregiver who I like. But she tries to tell me what I can eat and drink. What can I do about this?

The other people from the agency I have worked with are fine. I have a key outside for caregivers to use so she can get in the house if she wants. I am calling them this morning. I don't know what if anything they will do. They already cut her down to two shifts with me so we will see. Last night was just the final straw. I don't expect the other person to say anything on their own. It's just the audacity of her to do that stuff in front of him was mind boggling.

You don’t sound pleased with her. You sound very annoyed with her. She doesn’t sound too fond of you either. Who knows what is going on with her but it’s pretty clear that the two of you clash. So go ahead and call the agency. This is an easy fix. You simply ask that she doesn’t return to your home. Just say that she isn’t the right fit for you and then let it go.

It really isn’t the other caregiver’s place to get in the middle of this. It’s between you and the agency. I would not ask the other caregiver to say anything. If the agency wants to ask them, they can do so. If the other caregiver offers to speak on your behalf then it’s great having a witness to validate what you are saying.

Best wishes to you. Hope you are satisfied with whomever else they send out.

Oh *dear*.

My mother would have sighed deeply and said: "she *means* well..."

Someone needs to have a heart to heart with this lady and explain to her that her good intentions need to be expressed within strict professional and interpersonal boundaries. Either that, or professional caregiving is not for her.

For a start: she is NOT throwing anything away without your permission. That is your property. It is not for her to dispose of it. Seriously, I've had to put pots of yogurt with thick mouldy crusts on them back in a client's fridge because she "didn't believe in" use-by dates. We can refuse to serve expired food to clients or pass it to them but we cannot throw it out without their agreement. She should know that.

Remind me what it is you do like about this caregiver?

She just lost it tonight. She forgot something at my house so she asked if she could come and get it. I said sure. I had another caregiver from her same agency working tonight. She walks in and starts yelling at me saying "Why is your foot down" Why are you dressed. Did you go somewhere today. And then saying "You need to eat this up or I'm throwing it away" and so on. I was shocked that she not only did that but that she did it in front of another caregiver from her own company! Does she not think he would go back and tell their boss? I am calling them in the morning and telling them about it and then let them deal with it.

It's no good, I've got to get this off my chest as well.

I'm still a probationer at our home reablement service. Six month probationary period, it's proving both the longest six months and the fastest learning curve of my life. Anyway. One of the evil things they do to us while we're training is Quality Control. A (very nice, but very truthful too) lady sits in the office and rings round all the clients and gets feedback on each day's performance. (They don't warn you they're going to do this, by the way. You find out as you go along and wonder why you're getting your ears boxed every so often.)

I had my "supervision" this week - half an hour while your line manager tells you everything you're doing wrong and what a waste of space you are. It's such fun.

This time was not so bad, though. Line manager said most of the feedback was good, just the one who commented "a little bit bossy."

A LITTLE BIT BOSSY? Me?!? WHO have I been bossy to?

All was revealed yesterday, because a client's lovely wife, saying goodbye and thank you, said "he said you were a little bit bossy to start with but that really got him going, so he's very grateful." I hope I managed to keep all traces of reproach off my face (oh it was YOU was it???); and besides it was a comfort because now I know what counts as "bossy." This is the client who decided his safest route out of the bath tub was to stand up, grab hold of the medicine cabinet and my shoulder for support, and step straight out. I'm not sure I'd say bossy but I may have had a few well-chosen words for him about never doing that again.

Clients who say exactly what they would like are a joy to work with (if it's a REALLY bad idea, you won't be allowed to do it anyway and you can always say "sorry no I'll get fired."). Go ahead and speak up.

Elmopalooza, if you like this caregiver and you'd like her to continue, then do her the professional courtesy of telling *her* how you feel.

With the soda-type issues, persist using standard pleases and thank yous and keeping it simple. First name can help to underline a point without being too forceful, too. E.g. "Jane. I would like a soda, please. Could you pass one to me? Thank you." Don't be cross, just stick to your point.

The candy - is she on a health kick about it, or something?

The foot elevation is more of a practical problem. When she positions you, EVERY time check when she's next repositioning. This should prompt her to check your position BEFORE she leaves you for long (say, longer than one hour). Remind her that pressure sores and back strain are also issues, and when alone you need to be in whatever position gives you most freedom of movement.

Anyway, in principle, if you like her and think she could be very good, tell HER. If she is any good, she will want to know what suits you.

I talked to her agency. They told me they have repeatedly told her "You can't do this" and yet she keeps doing it. So she told me to call her if I need to and she even gave me her email address. They have already cut her down to 2 days a week with me when before she worked 4 days and I do have another girl during the week who does things the right way.

Great answers. I agree with freqflyer! and others.  One flag for me is you said "..she got in trouble already for trying to order medical equipment .. when she knew that she was not allowed."  That would have done it for me.  Add to that leaving you for hours plus in positions like that, denying you what you request ... and more.  No, she's not in charge ~ you are. 

Don't let her manipulate you by being nice, and make you think she can't be replaced by doing 'some' of what you want/need 'sometimes.'  Too many good people need jobs to put up with that!  Get someone else who Will do what you want, does their job good and correctly.  You shouldn't be upset with anything!  That doesn't help you recover. 

If it's an Agency, don't wait; call and say 'it's not working out. please send someone to replace her immediately.'  You don't have to give details right now; you're recovering and don't need that.  If they ask, tell them maybe you'll talk about that later when you're well.  Tell them to send someone who will do what you want/need, not leave you in odd positions or for who knows how long, and not overstep what they're allowed to do or do anything without your consent while working to help you.  Take charge, and take care.

Do you have diabetes? Is that why the caregiver is concerned with your drinking soda or eating candy?

Or have you been put on a special diet by your doctors? If not, then it is none of the caregiver's business what you eat.

I can't believe the boss letting her do what she wants has anything to do with what u want.

I worked as a secretary for a Visiting Nurse Assoc. We had a nurse that felt it was part of her job to tell our clients what they should do. There were complaints. My boss told all the Nurses that they are going into peoples homes. You are not there to tell them how to live their lives. Its her job to "boss" you around.

You need to tell her boss about these things.

My mom passed away about a 2 years ago. I am disabled so I need help at times. I would rather not need a caregiver but unfortunately I don't have much choice at the moment. She always tells me her boss lets her do whatever she wants. I am not sure I believe that. As I said I do like her and it's very hard to get someone new because then I have to start all over again. I should clarify a bit. I am in a wheelchair. And I had surgery on my foot a few months ago and it's still healing. When she is here I don't mind having my foot up but when she leaves until the next shift comes that is different. Her boss will be here on Monday to see how the new girl is doing and I will talk to her then but we will see if that even helps. think the caregiver means well. She is not doing it in a mean way.

I read some of your back posts. Most had to do with Mom trying to run ur life. Can u catch us up? Why at 40+ years old do u need a caregiver?

You need to set borders. She is your employee and as such she does what u say. She is there to help you with your ADLs. She can suggest but not order. She is in your home and cannot make you do what you don't want to. She is not there to order u around.

I agree with freqflyer. If she's gotten into trouble already for overstepping bounds and she still does it, I would worry about her decision-making abilities and self-control. What does "good job" mean in your eyes? I especially would question that she incapacitates you in a chair for several hours and disappears. Sketchy! Let her go and find someone else who is a better listener and understands what a caregiver's job is. I suspect she really doesn't know.

elmopalooza, if the caregiver is from an Agency, just call the Agency and tell them this just isn't working out. The Agency will send over another caregiver to see if it is a good match.