How did you deal with an elderly parent in the early stages of dementia who resents not being able to drive?

It's always better for the family to have the doctor tell them they can no longer drive. That takes you out of the equation. That's what we did with my Mom who has Alzheimer's.

Try telling them that they have to go for a drivers test or remind them that their doctor has said that they were not allowed to drive. I have learned that when my mother insists on driving somewhere I remind her that Dr R has said that she is not allowed to drive. I also use Dr R to get her to take her medicine or anything else she tries to challenge me on. Dr R was her doctor for many years and she trusted him dearly.

Please Lord, when it it my time to stop driving, give me the sense to listen .. AND STOP. I know have phone numbers now in my phone book. Hope they are still in business when I become that way. I trust my friends to speak up, if I am becoming to bad of a driver, especially my daughter. She is kind when she needs to spell it out.

Next doctor appointment, ask the doctor to evaluate for palliative and or hospice care. Most people think that hospice care is for End Of Life Only.. the evaluate, put you on for 30 or 60 days. Then they re evaluate you to see if you are better. It is good. My mom graduated 3 times... the 4 time, she went to heaven. It was a rough rides, but she transstioned over when the right team came in.

A firefighter told me one time, that most accidents he has been to that involved an elderly person, in most cases be the elderly's fault, only because the driver was elderly, and automatically their fault...
look at senior care driving in your area, uber, taxi, go to social services and see if they have any references for assisted driving to appointments et.

Make an appointment with DMV, and have parent take the written and driving test, that is if they remember the appointment. That happened with my aunt... Now I get her :)
i have her very close by in a board n care..2 minute drive. I have my wheel chair access taxi cab, his name and phone number when I need to take her anywhere. He is the best for us. She is wheel chair bound so I found him a number of years ago.. What a sweetheart. He is very good, makes sure she is secured safely. But he likes me riding with her, just in case. And I can bring my dog too !! My dod goes everywhere with me. and she is loves my aunt.

Only 1 caretaker said it right... Make him feel like the Captain or First Mate on the Ship... You Drive, He directs, so he thinks....

Other than that.. You need to just pull the keys and the car.. PERIOD. It's not your life on the line or his that you need to worry about. It's the poor unsuspecting driver on the road near him when he forgets what the gas pedal or brake pedal is. Perhaps, he is just driving too slowly and someone tries to pass him, and he freaks, and maneuvers for no reason and causes an accident.

****MOST IMPORTANTLY****
***** If he is driving and someone crashes into him, and he is 89 years old, IT IS AUTOMATICALLY HIS FAULT... HE IS 89 YEARS OLD, and most likely he is going to say,,,, sorry,,,, I guess I did something wrong.****

I make my mother feel like she is the queen and I am her personal driver/chauffeur. She sits in the front passenger seat and I let her “help” me drive and call her my navigator. She likes to tell me when it’s safe to pull out in traffic and we make conversation about the trees and pretty flowers we pass on our way to the destination. I let her know that I need her to give me some direction but I drive safely and don’t follow her direction if they are not safe. Try to make them feel like they are important and when she thinks she wants to drive I tell her the doctor said that she should let me drive.

I don’t think dad is going to be driving again. As to how you deal with his anger, a lot depends on his level of dementia. Fib and divert him as much as possible. I went through it with my dad. I had to disable the car and keep up the theater that is was broken down. He was a mess, out in the garage trying to put his battery charger on the car. I had to disable that as well before he burnt down the place by hooking it up wrong.

Is dad going to continue living with you?

Mom had an ER stint in Nov. w/discharge papers saying no driving and need to pass driving test before resuming. She had PT, OT and follow-up appt. w/neuro (who was only interested in a f-o-l-l-o-w u-p. He didn’t review her chart and asked ‘who said your Mom cannot drive?’. Had to clue him in that he did. Obviously a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Mom raged at me on a voice message saying she demands her keys be brought back within 24 hours. That was last week. I called her, she didn’t pick up the phone and left her the message that there’s no possible way I can return them, she has to take a driver eval/exam and when would she like to go. Haven’t heard from her.

I understand the rage you and the family are receiving. I know. Mom’s called me and DH names and threatened to call the police. I know how it feels. But I have to keep her and others safe. Docs are supposed to report a ‘suspension’ of driving rights (yes, it’s a right). Maybe he did - I’m trying to reach him the last couple of days. Mom would not tell me that the state sent her paperwork saying her license is suspended - she may have it or she may not. But she can prove capability with the eval.

I’m not willing to take the chance that she won’t use her keys to move the car. I’ll be keeping them till I see results of eval.

Hold firm - we are protecting them, and others. Praying for all of us on this journey.

Get the doctor's help. My dad's doctor was so glad that someone in the family was stepping up about the driving situation that he filled out paperwork for DMV saying he should not be driving. At least this way he can be mad at the doctor. My dad was sent a paper to fill out and get a doctor to sign that he was ok, but I think he really knew that doctor would not pass him, so he just threw the paper in the trash. Now I remind him that his license was taken away because he couldn't pass the physical and his doctor was against him driving.

Louise315, I remember back when my own Dad was in his late 80's and he should hang up the car key. Dad still was clear minded, the issue was vision and very slow reaction time. Good heavens, he passed the eye test for renewing his license, how'd he do that???

Dad and I had numerous telephone battles any time he would say he was going to drive. That was the only time I ever had raised my voice to Dad. That was a major hot button for me.

I remember reading that if you take away something from an elder you need to replace it would something else. I tried to get my parents to use taxi or the county mini bus, but my Mom wouldn't ride with strangers. Thus, I became the driver and how I hated doing that. I was a senior driving two much older seniors.

I was still working full-time so it wasn't easy to schedule. My parents were use to heading out the door 2 or 3 times a day. Setting boundaries was so difficult. On weekends I really didn't feel like going to 3 different grocery stores because one had a sale on cereal, another store a sale on green beans, and to Target for toilet paper. Then Dad would say, let's go to Home Depot. God, take me now !!

So, I wish you luck with trying to wrestle away Dad's keys. I tried to get my parents to donate their car, but oh no, what if there was an emergency? Ah, 911 has vehicles you can ride in.

The extreme anger is a tell towards dementia.
If I understand your post, you need help in how to head off the anger.
Louise, pick up a copy of “The 36-Hour Day, A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss” by Nancy L. Mace, MA, Peter V. Rabins, MD, MPH.
This book is considered “The Gold Standard”. It’s in its 6th edition and has been revised and updated over the years. First published in 1981.
Most recent 2017.
Your dad will face many more loses in his dimming future. Since you are on the receiving end of his anger, you understandably want it to stop. The best you may be able to manage is to understand his anger. To that end, I encourage you to read as much as possible about dementia and if you haven’t already had him tested, now is the time. I would use his desire to drive as a motivator to get him in front of a doctor “who might be able to help”.
The book I referenced discusses the driving issues and many, many more. You will find it helpful as a reference book.
They recommend help finding him ways to save face. Instead of “your driving is terrible, your getting lost and it just isn’t safe.” Which can feel like criticism, they suggest gently saying “you are getting absent-minded about stoplights” giving an “easy way out”. So your job is to look for ways to save (his) face and preserve his dignity at the same time as you are trying to respond to the need for safety.
Understanding more about how dementia affects one will help you manage not only the driving but ‘life with dad’ in general.
Also read “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande.
Use the search on this forum and type in driving. You will see many many threads on the subject.

I agree with Ahmijoy's comment. I had to take away the licenses of 4 seniors. The best way to deal with its absence is to replace it, so I arranged rides for them by family, friends, neighbors and fellow church members to take them to appointments or just out for some socialization. I secretly gave those drivers a gc to my LOs favorite restaurant so they would stop and have a bite together. My LOs hardly missed driving since their social life ramped up and they gradually became used to the reality of not driving.

Your dad's rages are irrational, so not sure any "psychology" will work on him, especially if he has any cognitive issues. You can go onto the website for your father's home state and report him as an unsafe driver. They will send a letter to have him come in for an eye or driving test. No one should take him to this test and just let his license expire. Please remember that, although unpleasant for you and your family to deal with his rages, others may be his victims (as was the case in our family and others on this forum). So, it's not just about him. His doc may pass him on all 4 counts but that still doesn't mean he's not a danger to others on the road (or sidewalk or parking lot, etc). I would do whatever it takes to stop him. Removing his vehicle to a location he can't recover it often works if you tell him it's "in the shop" or the repairs are just too costly and try to convince him to sell it. This is serious: a car is a weapon if driven by an incapable person. Wishing you patience and success!

I am reading between the lines here, but I think the Dr is trying to let him down easy and he will never drive again.
For an 89 yr old to have this much surgery it may have effected his mind. Using a walker means being able to get it and him in a car without falling. Picture it. He has to open the back door. Fold up the walker put it in the back seat. Close the door, open the driver side door get in and drive. Then the reverse when he gets where he is going. The only time I have seen this done is when the person has help and really, they aren't driving.

Do u have his car where he sees it. If so, I would move it. Out of sight out of mind.

Its going to be hard for him not to drive. Its independence for him. Its going to be hard for him to accept. And the one to tell him he can't drive anymore should be the doctor. He needs to sit down in front of Dad and look him in the eye and tell him "I am sorry but in good conscious I can not allow you to drive. Your health will not allow it" Then the doctor needs to inform DMV. My Gson was sent a letter telling him his license was revolked and he needed to hand it in by a certain date. (Gson has epilepsey)

Not sure why the doctor mentioned hearing. Lots of deaf people on the road. My DH is one of them.

When my mom had to stop driving, I became her chauffeur. It was a hard thing for her to give up her independence, but she had a fender bender and got worried. As often as I could, I took her out; shopping, lunch, salon, doctor’s, etc. I also encouraged her to try the Senior Van although she didn’t like that. She actually became a little more outgoing with the people in her apartment building who also didn’t drive.