My family makes it difficult to see my dying father, should I continue to keep trying to see him or hold on to my memories of him?

Are you on drugs or other substances that make them concerned about your visits? Have you previously given them cause for concern? When my husband was in ICU/hospital, I guarded him from relatives who were known or suspected alcoholics and drug addicts. Also, during my mother's hospitalization, my brother's wild kids caused difficulty. Have you given them cause for concern?

POA does not give them the authority to keep her away. If her father gets upset when she is there than they can ask her not to come. But if no problems they should not ban her. I think some people use POA as a power thing.

Next time u go, unplug the monitor. Tell them its illegally to listen in on private conversations. 😊(not sure if this is true but u can try)

When was your father hospitalised?
When was he discharged to hospice at home?

I am sorry that it has been difficult for you to visit your father. On the occasions when you have been able to, has it been a good visit? - comforting to him and to you?

How old are your children, and what do you mean by "threatened"? What did your brother(s) say or do to your children, and why?

The thing is. For caregivers who have cared for a loved one approaching end of life, what your brothers are doing that seems to you to be hostile actually makes more sense when their sole priority is taking care of a dying man.

You don't have time to communicate with people who aren't immediately involved. You don't lengthen or multiply communication chains, such as those with doctors, by including people who don't strictly Need To Know. They locked you out of your father's house? They locked you in? I'm not sure I understand what happened here; what do you think were the reasons for whatever they did?

They listen to your conversations with your father through a child monitor - well, the monitor stays switched on so it doesn't get forgotten about later, and because it is important to be able to hear if your father calls, or chokes, or seems to be having trouble. So conversations are overheard. You know the monitor's there. Did it really matter that you could be heard by your brothers?

In general, visitors who make life more stressful than it already is will of course not be hugely welcome. Your brothers shouldn't want to and can't prevent your visits if your father wants to see you and your children; but perhaps they'd be less unpleasant about it if you showed more consideration for their workload and your father's practical needs.

For reference: my family all lived in the same city a few miles apart. My mother RAN to my brother's home after our stepdad died, "temporarily" until she could decide what to do, knowing full well I could not visit her in my brother's home due his lifelong emotional and physical abuse of me. The following six years her health deteriorated drastically, and I am quite sure he emotionally and possibly physically abused her too. All her life she excused BRO's poor behavior, did not believe he had ever done anything untoward to anyone, and would never admit he had done anything to her. I wanted to visit to ensure her safety but could not, and phone calls to/from her were recorded. I could not find a way to give her the APS phone number or ascertain her living conditions. When she was finally placed in a (thankfully) good nursing home I was able to visit. Immediately after she died the nurse, no longer bound by HIPPA laws, filled me in. She had been denied medical treatment and pain medications, which according to the disease, my mother needed. If I had known I would have taken him to court to reverse the POA. The whole eight years of "caring" for our mother was led by greed. MO kept house for my BRO, cooked, etc. as long as she was able. I don't know exactly when she became unable to perform these duties. BRO sold all my mother's belongings, including her beloved organ during those six years and had all property signed over to him. At the funeral he even took over the podium after the eulogist, to direct comments to me, as "Mother missed you. You should have come to see her", not one word about her, not one word about her being a good mother or leading a good life, or any comments about missing her. The whole business was greed. MO's property didn't matter. Her well-being and comfort in her last eight years did matter. All this to say - contact an attorney now! Your dad may be in need of protection.

Sorry for your father and all that's going on. 

Not sure what's happened, but for whatever reason, your brothers appear to be in charge (POA?), and have decided to limit and monitor your time with your father.  It's odd they've locked you out of the house, but you don't know if you don't ask .. so ask.  If they have POA, this may be the route they've decided on, but didn't tell you ..maybe to keep from hurting your feelings, but it still hurts not to know.  Your brothers may be worried that anyone or anything may upset your father at this time .. not that you would intentionally, but maybe there's something you're unaware of that may.  They and/or your father may prefer not to have children around at this time either.

Ask your brothers if they have POA, and will they please let you know what's going on with your father.  If they do, ask them if they have any advice or requests that would make your visits comfortable for your father, them, and you.  If they're rude, do your best not to lash back or show you're upset. 

It's a sad time for all, and very stressful.  Appeal to their hearts ..if they're POA, and to please tell you whatever the truth is so you can do as they and your father wish. 

Keep visiting and speaking to your father comforting words. 

Good luck & prayers sent for you, your father, & family.

Get the advice of an attorney to see if they are able to do this legally. It is very cruel.

Can you think of ANY reason why they would want to keep your father supervised in the presence of, or away from, you or any/all of your children. If so you need to sit down and talk to your brothers to find a solution satisfactory to you all. If not speak to an elder lawyer about the best way to get access.

Don't be involved in their drama. Go visit, who cares if they are listening, it is more about him seeing you. If he says private things, unplug monitor while in the room BUT you better make sure you turn it back on before you leave the room. Just don't engage w/them if they want an argument. Talk if they are being nice and excuse yourself if it gets ugly. Do the visit and go. If you have kids old enough to be mouthy - make it clear to them no nasty comments or responses to the uncles.

Sad situation. Do you want to see your father? Then make arrangements for doing so through your brothers. It may seem cruel and usual punishment to you, but focus on loving your dad. They may be concerned that you will take him away or make promises that they will have to deal with later. Just love dad since hospice is for those who don't have much time left. Make memories with dad and try not to focus on your brothers during this time.

Good morning PinkSheep,

Your post raised a lot of questions which, if answered, might allow us to more completely respond to you.
Did your brothers keep you informed in the past of your father's medical needs? Was it a group decision - all of you - regarding care, or did they just inform you? Who decided on hospice? Normally that is a decision involving a doctor and a social worker. Who normally went to medical appointments with your father? If you were not an active participant in that prior process then there is no reason to think that they would allow you to become active now.

Doctors and hospitals normally have a primary contact for each patient. Apparently that is one of your brothers. You'll need to get more information from them. If you are not listed on the medical records, then no, you cannot get information. That is the law.

Are you locked out of the house, or do your brothers keep the doors locked for security? My elderly mother kept the doors to her house locked, which is a good thing. I had a key and so did a few neighbors who could help out if something happened. Have you never had a key to dad's house?

When you visit are you calm? Do you talk to your dad things he enjoys? I found that my mother usually didn't want to talk about the past, but enjoyed hearing about everyday life now. How old are your children? Are they quiet and respectful? If they are younger, are they getting into things in the house, or even older children going through your father's things, watching TV instead of visiting? I'm just working at thinking of reasons that your brothers would want to monitor your visits. If for any reason you bring up issues, difficulties, or anything that would concern or upset your father, then that is a cause for your brothers to limit your access. They may be the good guys, or the difficult, dramatic guys. I don't know. But, the only person you can control is you. Do not give them any reason to limit your access.

You don't say that your brothers have refused you access, only that they house is locked. Perhaps they just want to be sure that your father is having a good day, or that you don't interfere with any medical people who are there. Could you set up a schedule? You'll come with or without your children on Tuesday and Friday from 10 a.m. until noon and leave when your father has lunch. Knowing when you will be there might calm down things, and by being on a schedule your brothers will know whey they might have time away. Do you offer to help - feed your father, change diapers, bathe him?

Perhaps I am way off base, so if I am, then give us more information regarding what happens when you want to visit. Are you asked to call first? That is reasonable to me as your father might be having a bad day, or the visiting nurse will be there at the time you are planning on visiting. Don't worry about the monitor as it is there for your dad's safety. Just visit and chat, or watch a movie together.