I am ready to cut ties with my two brothers who live close to my parents. I live out of state but am in charge of their health. Need advice.

I think we are missing the forest for the trees. If Mom has a bed sore then she is likely not in the best care with Dad caring for her. Bedsores can literally kill; once started they are almost impossible to cure. So perhaps it is time for Mom to be in care and take this almost impossible burden off Dad. The brothers will likely be able to watch over him easier. As to the packages send them directly to the brothers after discussing what you are sending and why. You are all trying to do the best you can. Don't let it divide you.

I'm sorry but what is selfish and self absorbed about them?

You say you order it, have it sent and then your brother's go install, explain and calm dads confusion. I say that you have the easiest part of that whole scenario.

"Oh no, not another package" sounds like someone trying to be smart aleck not nasty.

Being a nurse gives you special insight, but being boots on the ground, hands on help gives them more reality of the situation. I think that you should not cut contact with the individuals that are there physically for your parents without a plan in place for who you will have handling the things that they do. After all you have accepted the responsibility, they are only helping their parents out of love. What would you do with out their hands on help? Because you are responsible. Not trying to be rude, trying to get you to really think about what is going on and how you would deal without them.

Based on what you have written, I see it this way:
While you mean well, you are being selfish and engulfing 3 lives in this caregiving. It isn’t fair for you to send stuff and direct traffic while they are there dealing with 2 older people who clearly are unable to help themseves.
Stating you are ready to “cut ties”? For what reason? Because they dont’ do things exactly when and as you direct? Perhaps you need to look within yourself to see how you are being perceived vs. your intentions.. cutting ties over stuff like this is not the smartest thing you could do. at least the brothers try to help. Cut them off and your life will turn into misery. If possible, need to hire some caregivers for your parents at their home. If your mother has bedsore issues, then your father might need more help than you want to admit. Please step back and do what is right for them AND you/brothers. Even if it means assisted living for Mom.

I'm dying to know what's in this magic package that will solve the problem of mother's pressure sore "once he knows how to use it."

But let that pass - no, you are not seeing your brothers' point, and you are not putting yourself in either their shoes or your father's shoes, and above all you are not waking up to your mother's real level of care need: a pressure sore developing when she is being cared for is a red flag. Shouldn't happen. It means the care is inadequate.

Would you be able to go and stay with your parents for a week or two? Since your parents chose you as their health care representative, and you have accepted the responsibility, the best thing for you to do would be to visit the front line and have a closer look at how it's all working day to day.

Empathy means the ability to put the shoe on the other foot & to feel what the other person is feeling. Your brothers are accusing you of having no empathy for them because they are doing the day-to-day care giving and you are sending packages from afar. That's not to say you don't care or that you're doing something wrong........just that they're not seeing your efforts as particularly helpful. The packages confuse your dad, so they have to step in to help him figure out what they're all about, then get the item set up or explained, which is not easy with a person suffering from dementia.

I think it's vital for you to understand where they're at in this care giving process and for them to see where you're at as well. As an RN, you're the 'ear' everyone needs to help them figure out what's happening and the one to place the orders for necessary supplies, not to mention do the research required. That's not something to pooh-pooh away, and they should be respectful & appreciative of your time & input here. By the same token, they are the 'hands on' people dealing with the daily drama and everything else that goes along with elder care for TWO parents. Not easy.

You're each doing your part to create a safe living environment for your parents and should be commended for all that's involved.

Try to see things from your brother's point of view, acknowledge their part in the equation, and move on. Don't cut them out of your life, it's not warranted, in my opinion. Emotions run high during elder care situations of this nature, and the best thing to do is hash it out ALL of you. Together. Let love prevail, and above all, keep your parent's best interest in mind. That will allow you all to work together towards that end.

Best of luck

I started to reply a while ago but was interrupted, basically what I had to say agreed with Isthisrealyreal and lealonnie1 - I think you are not giving your bothers credit for their role in assisting your parents, it is unrealistic to think that the two of them are able to function without a whole lot of back up. It's great that you are on top of medical things but involving your brothers in the process might go a long way in easing their apparent resentment, for instance if you had given bro a chance to give his opinion before the purchase and then asked permission to have the parcel delivered to a brother's address it could have saved everyone a headache.

I think it is a lot easier to order stuff than to assemble, read instructions and tell dad what to do with it.

It's probably not a deal-breaker, as the previous response says, because how else could you manage in the current situation if you don't have connection with your brothers? But it's frustrating to be at a distance and not have their full cooperation. Have you been considering whether your parents should move to someplace nearer to you where your mom can receive care? (Assisted Living or another eldercare type of facility...) Caring for her on his own much of the time must be a strain on your father and perhaps that's the underlying message from your brothers. On top of her increasing dementia, a bedsore, as you know, is difficult and can get serious quickly. Ideally someone with a bedsore needs regular turning, thorough cleaning, special dressings, etc. Does she have in-home nursing to come in and care for her sore? That would be covered by Medicare if a doctor orders it. If she's on Medicaid, she might qualify for a nursing home stay, even temporarily, to help the bedsore to heal.

You mean well.
And these "things" must be very helpful and needed.

But you are not listening "Pop gets confused when packages arrive at the house".

Find a new way to get them what they need.

In your easy chair, dozing off, you hear a ding dong, must ambulate to the front door, what a p a i n ! Please stop confusing the elderly, it is so very confusing enough.

You are a good daughter! Try to listen.

Unless there is a better reason that you are considering cutting ties with your brothers, please reconsider, and wait, study more on relationships. From reading on here, most daughters are thrown into the 24/7 part of hands-on caregiving. Your brother who is hands-on is going to be nominated for sainthood on this forum of caregiving daughters, maybe. (joking, maybe).

You live far away. Your brothers live nearby and are helping your parents and you want to cut them off? Am I missing something here?

Please show some gratitude to them instead of criticizing them. Also, since you are in charge and cannot handle their care then please hire someone to do it. Why should your brothers do it only to hear criticism from you?

Also, consider placing them in a facility to be looked after 365 24/7 so you can put your mind at ease.

Just curious. How often do you get to visit them? It must be hard living far away from them.