How does one deal with the anger towards a sibling being absent and uncaring about Mom being in a nursing home? She has dementia.
My brother has been out of the picture for about 5 years now. Her grandchildren haven't seen or spoken to her in about 8 years. She feels abandoned by them and I am furious with them. I have such anger within me.
I think it’s healthy to honor your feelings. Your feelings are absolutely justified. So acknowledge them and then release them. How do you do that? My therapist told me that we don’t’ ‘get over’ it. We work through it. Please make an appointment to speak to a therapist. It does help. It’s hard work. It’s draining. But with the right therapist you will see results and it will be worth it. I am still a work in progress and always will be.
Some people can’t handle dealing with sickness. I stayed with my oldest brother in the end of life hospice facility as he was dying. I told him that I knew he was dying. He was unconscious by that point. I told him to give my father a hug for me when he saw him in the next life. I walked out of the room. Just as I started my car to leave the nurse called me to say that he was gone. I would not have wanted to see him take his last breath.
Where were my other brothers as my brother was dying? Long gone. They visited but not towards the end. My younger brother told me afterwards that he felt my brother would die that day and he didn’t want to be present. I accepted that. My other brother never mentioned anything. I made the cremation and burial arrangements with my daughter.
Now, I am the outsider. I cared for my mom for 20 plus years. 15 of those years were in my home. She is 94. I do not get along with my brothers. They never helped with mom. They were quick to criticize me when mom complained about me setting boundaries. I burned out. I could no longer do the hands on caregiving any longer, emotionally or physically.
Mom is now with my brother and sister in law. I have only spoken to her a couple of times. She feels rejected by me. I refuse to be in my brothers presence so that has kept me away from her. It’s sad. I have had no choice but to accept it. I did more than my share.
When she was with me I was always terrified of finding her dead or having to cope with watching her die. The pain of that became unbearable to me.
At one time we were very close. I was always the one closest to my parents. My brothers were not but mom always gave them money over and over.
My husband and I paid for everything that we have. I felt a lot of resentment towards my brothers until I realized that I was the lucky one because from a very young age I learned to support myself. I did without when money was tight. I worked two jobs when I had to. I had roommates while attending school. I graduated. My brothers quit school. I was a survivor and still am.
Only one thing caused me to fall apart and destroyed my relationship with my mom, full time caregiving. It was the heaviest burden in my life. If I could have a do over I would never do it again. It wasn’t the best choice for me or her. It changed our relationship. I was no longer her daughter. I was her caregiver.
My feelings are the same. Even if my relationship was good with my brothers. I truly don’t think that I could watch my mother die. I wasn’t with daddy as he died. I went to see him often but I am grateful that I did not see him die. I know that I could not have handled it. I adored my father.
I am not making excuses for your brothers. I don’t know them. You do. But I do know that some people just can’t handle being around sickness. I always thought I would be the one with my mom but I know now that I just could not face it. If that makes me weak or evil, then so be it. I did my very best as long as I possibly could. I see many things quite differently now. It’s hard to explain all that I feel and maybe my post is not helpful to you. I’m sorry if it isn’t.
I wish you the very best. We can’t make people care. We can’t take their apprehension away. We don’t have any power over anyone. The only person that we can work on changing is ourselves.
I'm not kidding. Every situation is different due to family dynamics , which will change the answers of course. In my case it's 2 daughters and I reached a point of peace with my sister....until right after dad died and the house sold, then she showed up after years of absence, and did zilch to help but is asking for money, etc...I could list the horrid things she's been saying or doing but you get the idea. Really over the top.
It's taken me YEARS to figure this out, but sometimes anger is very justified. The trick is not letting it eat you up. Forgiveness is ideal, but that's not always possible to call up no matter how hard one tries. I used to try to let go of and repress that anger, and try to forget about my sister, but that is near impossible when I keep hearing about her latest lies and bad treatment of mom - who thinks she and her husband are great! I'm not a saint, I can't be at peace with this situation, plus it is ongoing. And stuffing my own feelings does nothing to help stress levels :P
So I channel the anger with exercise. For me that's lots of brisk walks and cardio kickboxing, where I get to smash giant bags. I've told myself it's OKAY TO FEEL ANGRY and then make it work for me towards my own health. Trust me you can get some great workouts this way! Make anger your employee and personal trainer....
I am the only son of four who seems to care about our mother with severe dementia. they now hate me and my father who pays for everything seems to despise me too. I want to leave this ungrateful and hateful family but my mother would then be alone. My dad is making some great progress but he even said that he needs me; but he continues to treat me like a dog. He shows not respect for me; even worse he stirs up things by telling my brothers i am not keeping the house clean and not trying to visit with the family when they come over for short stops on the way to somewhere. I keep a log of everone who spends time with mama; my brothers hate that, it shows that they spend only about 15 minutues a year with their mother. It is so obvoious that they are much more interested in my dad than my mother. I just dont know what they feel but i feel hatred toward me from them. Now the hatred is eating me up and I seem to be angry at everyone. I am so miserable and either depression or anger is killing me. I cannot live like this and I cannot leave my mother with this bunch of careless people. the have told me that if i stop taking care of mamma she will go into a home, then they tell me they dont like me living rent free in our family home. the one thing I do know is that i am unliked by all my family and in laws. I am about to lose my mind; if i havent already done it.
Have you arranged to have a meeting with them, and spoken with them about their feelings. Is there anger, and was that there for a reason? Does Mom know them/you if they were to/and when you visit? Other than speaking with someone about their feelings, and accepting they are all different, there is little we can do. Has Mom (with your help) written to ask them to visit her? You say she feels abandoned. Perhaps you could ask her if she would like you to assist with a reach out call or visit? Other than that, I think you are helpless in the situation. I understand it is hurtful to you, but you cannot do fixit on all situations. So sorry you're going through it.
My mom has told me that, at this point, she does not want to see my brother and her grandchildren. She does not want them at her wake/funeral. "If they can't see me when I'm alive, I don't need them to see me when I'm dead." I've already told my brother three times NOT to have the grandkids and daughter in law come to the wake/funeral because it would be hypocritical. It's been years since they've seen her and there would be no point in coming. When the time comes, I will tell him that he doesn't have to come to the funeral if he can't make it. Not nasty or angry, just simple truth. I have no idea what is going on with him and his family and, at this point, I don't care.
Caregiver, what creates anger is an unmet expectation. You (and your Mom) keep expecting your brother to "wake up" and be a different person. It's not going to happen. Work on moving onward and upward. I'm a mom of 3 sons, I try hard not to have preconceived notions about who or what my sons are and do and honestly, it's difficult many times. I wish you peace in your heart and forgiveness towards your brother. It's the only true freedom.
Thank you for your response. I feel I will be able to "forgive" my brother once Mom passes. By then, it will be all over and nothing more to be done. I will wish him good luck with his life in the future and walk away.
I too am going to suggest therapy for yourself or perhaps an emotional support group.
you can’t change your brother or force him to do what you want him to do. If your brother has chosen not to have a relationship with your mother, there is a reason for that.
It seems to be very common for parents to treat their kids differently. When my MIL was told she was terminal and had a few months left, my BIL was the least present. My MIL had treated all 3 of her kid’s differently. My husband was oldest and was expected to pay his own way and work for what he wanted and that’s exactly what he did. My SIL was the baby and was spoiled, she was the golden child. My BIL was the middle child and the one my MIL felt sorry for and she was always helping him financially and taking care of his child. And she felt she had a right to judge him and have a say in his life. behind closed doors she said things to them that she did not ever say to my husband or I. Of course in front of others she would not say those things, in fact she would not even hint at anything negative toward BIL and his family in front of other people. But when everyone else wasn’t around, she said things and passed judgement and BIL and his exwife would stop talking to her for awhile. One example is, when BIL and his ex found out they were expecting a boy and MIL found out he was to be circumcised, she flipped out and said it was sexual mutilation. Did she do that to my husband or my SIL both of whom had boys? Nope.
I know all about her zingers and the things she said to my BIL, exSIL and nephew because my exSIL & I clicked right from the beginning. We were and still are friends and Ali’s. We were the 2 outsiders. We spent many hours talking about family drama. So while some in the family judge my BIL and his now exwife for how little they visited when MIL was on hospice, they do not know it’s because of how they were treated for years. They were not even speaking to her when the doctor gave her a year or less to live because she had confronted my BIL, and tried getting his uncle to join in, over how my nephew was dressed one day. She she threw a fit because she felt he was dressed like a girl (not that it matters but he absolutely was not. He was in shorts and a Pokémon shirt). She said she didn’t know what was wrong with them dressing him like that, that’s he’s going to get teased and that she never dressed BIL like that. She said all of this in front of my nephew too. And she was never apologetic either. When my BIL told her she was out of line and saying mean things, her response was “I am who I am. I say what I think” and she would say “ I didn’t mean to” but did not own up to how she made him or his wife feel. Anyway. They were barley speaking when the doctor gave her 3 months to live. So yes some think he didn’t give a darn and is selfish for not coming around more and they have no idea went on behind closed doors. They have no idea how he was treated differently from his siblings. Unfortunately there are a lot of people on this board with similar mothers who treated them like dirt behind closed doors but put on a show in front of other people.
For a few years now my brother has been distant. We don't talk on the phone. He sends me messages on Facebook, basically "How's Mom? How are you?" That's it. My mother has enough awareness to know he's not around and she now says she doesn't care about him and his family and doesn't even want them to visit or come to her funeral.
I feel bad for my mom sometimes because my brother doesn't visit but a few times a year and she has always wanted to be emotionally closer to him, and his two young children. I was hoping he would agree to have mom's MC be near him instead of me. (My mom has mostly been controlling and abusive and not a lot of fun to be around.) So I understand why. But people do what they do and it's out of our hands. Let yourself be angry..but try to begin asking yourself why. IFind some help with therapy to process your anger. Talk therapy is not the only way.. there's energywork, NLP, tapping, and somatic bodywork too. Best wishes.
My Mom was a good Mom. Her family was her world. She was a Homemaker and loved that roll. Our friends were at our house more than their own. She just gave off a good vibe. I was the one who stayed in the same town. From me, my parents received gifts for B/days. Mother/father days and Christmas. From my two younger brothers, usually nothing. And when my parents did get Christmas presents from the one brother, it was almost Easter because my SIL never got around to sending them. This upset my Dad. He once told me out of his kids I was the only one who did for Mom. He didn't care about himself, but it upset him that she was forgotten. She did not deserve that. I wish he had said that to my brothers.
My brothers are good guys. Why they treated Mom like that, I will never know because I won't ask. I refuse to get angry. I was not a perfect Caregiver but I was there for Mom. Caring for her in my home was too much but I was able to find 2 places where the aides loved her so I know she got the best care.
My Mom also didn't see her grandkids. One brother lives 8 hrs away. The other, if it wasn't for his wife, Mom wouldn't have seen his 2 girls the 2x a year she did. And he lived 30 min away. Both my brothers did thank me for caring for Mom. And neither told me what I should and shouldn't be doing in her care.
Maybe its still a girl vs boy thing. Girls are still considered the Caregivers. No, its not fair. We have lives and jobs too. Please, let the anger go. You really may be lucky they aren't involved. But its really their problem. Let go of that anger. The only one it is hurting is you. You need that energy you are using towards ur brothers for ur Mom.
Thank you. I have been told to "let go" of the anger but it is difficult as I am the only one interacting with mom and it's been ongoing heavily now for two years. Mom confuses me with my brother and thinks I'm him 50% of the time.
The best way to deal it , IMO, is to see a therapist as you cannot make your brother or the grandchildren visit or speak to your mother. Work out your anger and frustration with a professional who can help you deal with this.
Your anger is accomplishing nothing but to upset you more. He has the right to make his own choices, if he doesn't want to see her that is his choice. If it would make you feel better, why don't you just ask him?
I don't speak to my mother either, she is a real toxic, abusive person, and I no longer want anything to do with her. I am at peace with my decision.
Anger is driven by fear, what is your fear? Perhaps therapy might be an option for you to get this emotion under control. I hope that you will be able to work through this.
My mother has always been a supportive, caring and loving mom. She and my (now deceased) father gave me and my siblings the best life they could. (My other sibling, a sister, passed away years ago). Mom asks me what happened to my brother to make him so distant. Over a year ago I sent him a scathing e-mail telling him exactly how I felt about him and his behavior over the years....and I received no response to it. I'm only in touch with him now just to update on mom's condition and that's Only when he asks, I don't volunteer the info. Fear? It's mostly exhaustion.
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Some people can’t handle dealing with sickness. I stayed with my oldest brother in the end of life hospice facility as he was dying. I told him that I knew he was dying. He was unconscious by that point. I told him to give my father a hug for me when he saw him in the next life. I walked out of the room. Just as I started my car to leave the nurse called me to say that he was gone. I would not have wanted to see him take his last breath.
Where were my other brothers as my brother was dying? Long gone. They visited but not towards the end. My younger brother told me afterwards that he felt my brother would die that day and he didn’t want to be present. I accepted that. My other brother never mentioned anything. I made the cremation and burial arrangements with my daughter.
Now, I am the outsider. I cared for my mom for 20 plus years. 15 of those years were in my home. She is 94. I do not get along with my brothers. They never helped with mom. They were quick to criticize me when mom complained about me setting boundaries. I burned out. I could no longer do the hands on caregiving any longer, emotionally or physically.
Mom is now with my brother and sister in law. I have only spoken to her a couple of times. She feels rejected by me. I refuse to be in my brothers presence so that has kept me away from her. It’s sad. I have had no choice but to accept it. I did more than my share.
When she was with me I was always terrified of finding her dead or having to cope with watching her die. The pain of that became unbearable to me.
At one time we were very close. I was always the one closest to my parents. My brothers were not but mom always gave them money over and over.
My husband and I paid for everything that we have. I felt a lot of resentment towards my brothers until I realized that I was the lucky one because from a very young age I learned to support myself. I did without when money was tight. I worked two jobs when I had to. I had roommates while attending school. I graduated. My brothers quit school. I was a survivor and still am.
Only one thing caused me to fall apart and destroyed my relationship with my mom, full time caregiving. It was the heaviest burden in my life. If I could have a do over I would never do it again. It wasn’t the best choice for me or her. It changed our relationship. I was no longer her daughter. I was her caregiver.
My feelings are the same. Even if my relationship was good with my brothers. I truly don’t think that I could watch my mother die. I wasn’t with daddy as he died. I went to see him often but I am grateful that I did not see him die. I know that I could not have handled it. I adored my father.
I am not making excuses for your brothers. I don’t know them. You do. But I do know that some people just can’t handle being around sickness. I always thought I would be the one with my mom but I know now that I just could not face it. If that makes me weak or evil, then so be it. I did my very best as long as I possibly could. I see many things quite differently now. It’s hard to explain all that I feel and maybe my post is not helpful to you. I’m sorry if it isn’t.
I wish you the very best. We can’t make people care. We can’t take their apprehension away. We don’t have any power over anyone. The only person that we can work on changing is ourselves.
I'm not kidding. Every situation is different due to family dynamics , which will change the answers of course. In my case it's 2 daughters and I reached a point of peace with my sister....until right after dad died and the house sold, then she showed up after years of absence, and did zilch to help but is asking for money, etc...I could list the horrid things she's been saying or doing but you get the idea. Really over the top.
It's taken me YEARS to figure this out, but sometimes anger is very justified. The trick is not letting it eat you up. Forgiveness is ideal, but that's not always possible to call up no matter how hard one tries. I used to try to let go of and repress that anger, and try to forget about my sister, but that is near impossible when I keep hearing about her latest lies and bad treatment of mom - who thinks she and her husband are great! I'm not a saint, I can't be at peace with this situation, plus it is ongoing. And stuffing my own feelings does nothing to help stress levels :P
So I channel the anger with exercise. For me that's lots of brisk walks and cardio kickboxing, where I get to smash giant bags. I've told myself it's OKAY TO FEEL ANGRY and then make it work for me towards my own health. Trust me you can get some great workouts this way! Make anger your employee and personal trainer....
Blessings to you!
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Other than speaking with someone about their feelings, and accepting they are all different, there is little we can do. Has Mom (with your help) written to ask them to visit her? You say she feels abandoned. Perhaps you could ask her if she would like you to assist with a reach out call or visit?
Other than that, I think you are helpless in the situation. I understand it is hurtful to you, but you cannot do fixit on all situations. So sorry you're going through it.
you can’t change your brother or force him to do what you want him to do. If your brother has chosen not to have a relationship with your mother, there is a reason for that.
It seems to be very common for parents to treat their kids differently. When my MIL was told she was terminal and had a few months left, my BIL was the least present. My MIL had treated all 3 of her kid’s differently. My husband was oldest and was expected to pay his own way and work for what he wanted and that’s exactly what he did. My SIL was the baby and was spoiled, she was the golden child. My BIL was the middle child and the one my MIL felt sorry for and she was always helping him financially and taking care of his child. And she felt she had a right to judge him and have a say in his life. behind closed doors she said things to them that she did not ever say to my husband or I. Of course in front of others she would not say those things, in fact she would not even hint at anything negative toward BIL and his family in front of other people. But when everyone else wasn’t around, she said things and passed judgement and BIL and his exwife would stop talking to her for awhile. One example is, when BIL and his ex found out they were expecting a boy and MIL found out he was to be circumcised, she flipped out and said it was sexual mutilation. Did she do that to my husband or my SIL both of whom had boys? Nope.
I know all about her zingers and the things she said to my BIL, exSIL and nephew because my exSIL & I clicked right from the beginning. We were and still are friends and Ali’s. We were the 2 outsiders. We spent many hours talking about family drama. So while some in the family judge my BIL and his now exwife for how little they visited when MIL was on hospice, they do not know it’s because of how they were treated for years. They were not even speaking to her when the doctor gave her a year or less to live because she had confronted my BIL, and tried getting his uncle to join in, over how my nephew was dressed one day. She she threw a fit because she felt he was dressed like a girl (not that it matters but he absolutely was not. He was in shorts and a Pokémon shirt). She said she didn’t know what was wrong with them dressing him like that, that’s he’s going to get teased and that she never dressed BIL like that. She said all of this in front of my nephew too. And she was never apologetic either. When my BIL told her she was out of line and saying mean things, her response was “I am who I am. I say what I think” and she would say “ I didn’t mean to” but did not own up to how she made him or his wife feel. Anyway. They were barley speaking when the doctor gave her 3 months to live. So yes some think he didn’t give a darn and is selfish for not coming around more and they have no idea went on behind closed doors. They have no idea how he was treated differently from his siblings. Unfortunately there are a lot of people on this board with similar mothers who treated them like dirt behind closed doors but put on a show in front of other people.
Have you talked to your brother?
Let yourself be angry..but try to begin asking yourself why. IFind some help with therapy to process your anger. Talk therapy is not the only way.. there's energywork, NLP, tapping, and somatic bodywork too. Best wishes.
My brothers are good guys. Why they treated Mom like that, I will never know because I won't ask. I refuse to get angry. I was not a perfect Caregiver but I was there for Mom. Caring for her in my home was too much but I was able to find 2 places where the aides loved her so I know she got the best care.
My Mom also didn't see her grandkids. One brother lives 8 hrs away. The other, if it wasn't for his wife, Mom wouldn't have seen his 2 girls the 2x a year she did. And he lived 30 min away. Both my brothers did thank me for caring for Mom. And neither told me what I should and shouldn't be doing in her care.
Maybe its still a girl vs boy thing. Girls are still considered the Caregivers. No, its not fair. We have lives and jobs too. Please, let the anger go. You really may be lucky they aren't involved. But its really their problem. Let go of that anger. The only one it is hurting is you. You need that energy you are using towards ur brothers for ur Mom.
I don't speak to my mother either, she is a real toxic, abusive person, and I no longer want anything to do with her. I am at peace with my decision.
Anger is driven by fear, what is your fear? Perhaps therapy might be an option for you to get this emotion under control. I hope that you will be able to work through this.