I have been taking care of my mother with help from my father. He is unable to provide care but he works and pays for everything. We have sitters to give me a break. In October 2018 my mother, who has serious dementia, fell and broke her hip. I pulled my back out trying to help her. I demanded help from my brothers and instead they became extremely angry at me. They abandoned me when I needed them the most, due to back pain that continued to get worse. I was angry and no one not even the doctors would help me, I was becoming unable to function due to pain. I could not leave my room due to inability to walk down the hall. My family did nothing and I reached out to my facebook friends telling them how my brothers had abandoned me. I knew it would cause them to react but i did not realize how. It turned everyone against me destroying relationships and any chance of having any help in the future. My life with my family seems to be destroyed. They knew that I needed help and did nothing at all. I had surgery and they did nothing after that either. We do have sitters to care for my mom and I am thinking about leaving to get away from this hatred from my father, and all my family. But my father told me that he wants me to stay, he needs me to help him but he continues to say cruel and hurtful things to me. I have requested that we seek professional help to make me feel better and improve our relationshop but he refuses. Again i need help because Depression is abouit to kill me and no one cares. I practically beg for them to care but they do nothing. I could do without my brothers but i cannot live in a house with a father that seems to dispise everything I do. I dont know what to do. I cannot leave my mother because everyone has said that they will do nothing and she will have to go into a nursing home. I know how that will hurt her, I know she will feel like everyone, now Me, has abandoned her and left her in a strange place with strangers to care for her. She will be miserable, I know that for sure and I will be gone; the only person who spends any time with her at all in this whole world, not her friends not the church, not even her children., They stop by on the way to the hunting club for the weekend or on the way fishing or vacationing. This is so sad to me and I cannot stand it and I cannot leave either.
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Grab a book or magazine. Get a nice dinner to go, eat in your room, nor not. go to restaurant...Relax... one day will help you. If you have a good friend to tag along with you, may help too.
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Do they have Caretaking Classes anywhere? how to move a 200 pound person properly? How to manuever them from one side of bed to the other, or move them from one seat to another? I learned how to walk an elder person in case they go down, and you can prevent that from happening at times.
If they don't live in the house, then why were you the one who had to move in to help out with your mother? Do you still work from home? How long are you expected to be on disability? As long as you are living at home, won't you be expected to continue to do physical care for your mother that has the potential to injure you again?
What about YOUR financial future? Did you give that up when you quit your job?
What's going to happen when you are old? Do you have retirement savings? I hope you didn't give up a pension!
You say your father won't go to counseling, and that depression is about to kill you. Even if your father won't go to counseling, YOU can go for YOURSELF. Please do. I hope you get counseling from someone who will help you lay out the decisions you need to make and choices you have, and urge you to immediately. take the steps of the path you choose.
It's not the end of the world if your mother goes to a nursing home. Plenty of posters here (me included) have/had their parent(s) in a nursing home. Do you really think your mother would want you to be jeopardizing your future and your health (and yes, your life) by staying in the situation you are currently in?
What are your parents' finances? Can your father afford to pay for your mother if she is in a NH? While they SAY if you weren't there, they would place her in a NH, do you think that would actually happen? (I'm asking this, because they might be saying they would place your mother in a NH when they actually have no intention of doing so; they are trying to control you with meaningless threats.)
I say your father should be paying YOU for caregiving. Free room and board doesn't begin to cover what you are doing now, does it? And what about inheritance? Is everything split equally? How is that fair, when YOU are the one who is doing all the work for your father. And please don't say the money doesn't matter, because it does...you quit your job, you have jeopardized your financial future. Your brothers haven't jeopardized theirs, have they?
Please tell us that you are going to do something about changing your situation. Please move out and get another job. Why do you think you should do more than your brothers do for your mother? She raised them, too; why did she raise them to be so selfish?
First, don’t have any expectations from your family. They have not demonstrated any concern and there is little chance they ever will. Any expression of wanting you to stay is likely from selfishness. In our hearts we know that healthy, functional relationships don’t work this way. They are not caring for you on any level so now you have to take a stand and care for yourself. Please develop an exit plan, even if it’s only short term so you can clear your head and catch your breath.
Consider your worst case scenario: your mom is placed in long term care. It’s not the end of the world. That is not abandonment and you can’t expect yourself to be the family savior. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Especially when there’s no amount of cooperation from the rest of the family. If your best friend was killing themselves in an effort to care for an unappreciative family, what would you tell them? You have to be your own best friend and take care of yourself. No one benefits if you continue on the path you are on.
Please consider my words as someone who is struggling too, as I am. However, I think we’re only trapped if we allow ourselves to be. It’s time we both take steps forward. Reach out if you need to. Perhaps we can cheer each other on. Best wishes to you either way.
Cruel words are hurtful and not always easy to ignore. Your father may not change or improve how he regards you, but you can. Sounds like you need to heal your back and soul. Ask him to find help right now. He is responsible for your mother.
I wish we could persuade people but we simply can’t do that. I think you need time for yourself. You are drowning in misery.
Is there any way that you can get away? Even if just for a short while right now, it would help. I hear your pain. I wish that I could say something that could help. Keep posting. Use this forum as a sounding board. Many of us have dealt with siblings that have hurt us. We are caregivers or former caregivers. We will help as much as we can.
Sending you many hugs.