What do you do with a parent that is ungrateful and lacks appreciation for all the care you do for them?

Please accept that the only one capable of change here is you. Sadly, your mother cannot change, if this was possible it would have happened long ago. It’s great that you still have a desire to be of help to her, now you have to decide how that will need to look in order to preserve your own mental health. Just because she has an expectation of something doesn’t automatically mean you must meet that expectation. Do only what you feel that you can commit to, no need to justify or explain yourself, don’t be baited into arguments, do what you can and then leave. Answer the calls you want to handle, nothing more. You’re a fully grown and capable person, deserving to make your own choices and not be berated. She can’t appreciate you, so appreciate yourself. Make time for activities and people who bring positive things into your life. I wish you the best

Sometimes we just need to walk away, let her hire a caretaker or go into AL. She will not change, it appears that she has complete control of you, this is a dangerous thing. You do have a choice, let this continue or take a stand.

I wish you the best.

Your Mom has trained you to do what she expects of you. You are now yourself going into your latter years, and you have lifelong reinforced your Mom's expectations of you. It is not going to be easy to change the dance when you two both know the steps to this particular dance so well. There is generally "some benefit" to the person who "does for" the other person; often it is only in being seen as the devoted one, the good one, the saintly one. And in being able to tell the story and have people's pity. If you truly want to change things at this late stage it will be enormously difficult and would take a GOOD professional psychologists helping you all the way to set some limits, gain some self esteem that is not dependent on your Mom, and move out to make some friends independently and get some joy from life. I am so very sorry you are so miserable and I wish you all the luck in the world going forward.

Would you like to stop taking care of your mother's needs? This is a serious question. Really think it over.

Often we feel as though we have to meet a loved one's needs because they can't be met by somebody else. But actually, once you work through the list of requirements, everything almost always CAN be done by someone else and it becomes a practical matter of recruiting volunteers or paid services.

The thing is, your mother expects you to do all this work for her - and work it is, call it by its name - and gives you not even thanks or appreciation in return. But you know that this is her attitude. It is not going to change. Persevering in the hope that one day she will fall on your neck, embrace and bless you is... sad.

So. WHY are you doing this work?

If it's because you want to do it, regardless of your mother's attitude, then go ahead but change your expectations of her.

If it's because you long for it to lead to a mutually loving and supportive mother-daughter relationship - then change what you're doing, and work on building a relationship with her that is less damaging and exploitative.

If she is not grateful - you stop. It doesn't sound like she is incapacitated - let her figure it out.

Go First, you've got to remove yourself from daughter and into caregiver mode. We spend so much of our lives trying to make our parents happy.
Now that a caregiver is needed, you need to go into a caregiver mode and emotionally remove yourself from daughter mode. You are the capable adult so take the reigns and do as a caregiver should.. Not as a daughter should. If no one likes it, do as a caregiver could. Step back and let someone else do the job. Caregiving is a thankless job. Don't let ANYONE control you. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. It certainly works for me. Good luck to you!!!

Take a deep breath. Repeat.

We do not OWE our assistance to anyone not appreciative - we do not OWE for the privilege of being born.

That said, one reason your mother may talk down about you to her friends is due to being embarrassed that she is needing so much help and doesn't want her friends to know. However, this does NOT excuse her being toxic to you when you're alone with her.

In your place, I would tell her that since she isn't happy with me, she can hire someone to do all the chores you've been doing for free. You deserve to be happy too.

When it gets toxic, step away and get grounded. Stop the toxicity from spreading. It sounds like you can leave and go home. That is a blessing.

A few years ago I put a stop to the berating. Mom was loosing her independence but her complaints increasingly focused on me. I talked to the ones she complained to. I asked them directly to tell her to stop. If they passively listen and support these false narratives, I explained it was hurtful to be on the receiving end of all blame as the daughter taking care of her business. For example, I would experience her complaints, then she would call around to see who would listen again, then I would get a call recounting it again. This wasted my energies.

Even when it came to doctor's appointments about her health. We were not at her doctor's appointments so she could complain about me. Partly it was cognitive decline but also in line with her personality. I had to ask the doctor to do the cognitive assessment tests rather than accept her complaints as family stress.

I had to become more involved over time with her daily needs when it was clear she was giving things away inappropriately or being influenced into questionable arrangements. I felt an obligation because she is my mother to protect and find the best care for her, but have realized there is a limit. When it comes to bad behavior, don't argue. Learn to walk away.

" I am 67 years old and I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude. It has scarred me."

How old is your mother? She doesn't live with you, right? How far away is she, and how many times a week do you have to do things for her? How many hours in a week does it take?

My mother in unappreciative of what I did for her, too. She gave me her car (Blue Book value $3K), and for that expected me to do all sorts of driving around for her. No gas $. She wouldn't let me do things like grocery shop for her (which would have been easy to do when I did my own grocery shopping). No. She had to come along and pick out every item, check every expiration date, etc. It took HOURS...

I set limits on my driving (to weekly Mass, medical/dental appts., one shopping trip/week), and she didn't like it at first. But she adapted.

When I mentioned payment, she got angry and practically hissed at me, "You don't pay family!" She said my time wasn't worth anything. One time she ordered me to do something that involved Internet research, and I suggested my most do-nothing brother do it. She did her crying/shaking/shaming/blaming number on me. "NO! *HIS* time is valuable!" (This brother's time was so valuable that he went 5 years one time without seeing my parents and was heading towards nearly 2 years without seeing my mother when this incident happened.)

Do you feel like this, too? Honestly, I remember something going very still inside me when this happened. It was yet another part of a wall going up inside me. More distance between us that I felt was necessary to protect myself.

BTW, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I, too, lost my son, almost 9 years ago when he was a young adult. And you are so right -- this is a loss one doesn't ever get over!

bpearl, your mother sounds very similar to mine. I'm 63 and my 93 year old mother is likely narcissistic. My best advice is to set boundaries and slowly enforce them until they're in place and then don't waiver. It takes time and you have to be one step or more ahead of her. Make it clear to everyone that you are her caregiver and need their support. I have a strong support system in my husband, sons, friends and family who also help me when she tries to drag me into her drama. Learn about how to deal with a person who is like your mother. For instance, don't confront her and agree with whatever is reasonable and acceptable to you. Rest and rejuvenate and sort through feelings you have about her and how she can make you feel (these are deeply ingrained since childhood, but learn to recognize when she's being unreasonable). Learn to detach from her as best you can and set limits as to what you will do and won't do for her. I've learned that there is no point in sharing your feelings with my mother. Narcissists don't see you as a person, they see you as an extension of themselves to do their bidding. For example, my mother will call me a "martyr" or "childish" when that is exactly what she is! It's laughable sometimes and humor can help you through this. You've gotten lots of good ideas here, and I wish you the best. I come to this site often to renew my spirits and see that I'm not alone. Remember, you have a life that you deserve to enjoy outside of your caring for your mother. Thinking of all here who do our best to make sure our loved ones are safe and healthy. Happiness is their choice and comes from within.