Does anyone have elderly mom who constantly criticizes family members and dwells on past perceived slights especially her dead in-laws?

I have family members who do the same thing, when they start, I gather up my things and leave, I have the power to do this. When they start on the phone, I tell them that I do not want to listen to this, and, I hang up, I have the power to do this. If they keep calling me, I block them for a period of time, I have the power to do this.

What do you have the power to do? And, what are you doing to protect yourself from her toxic behavior?

It is up to you to change your reaction towards her, as, she is not going to change.

Don't allow her to pull you any further down, do what is needed to get a handle on your emotions.

Every single word coming out of my 93 y/o mother's mouth is negative. A put down of someone else, mostly, even those family members who do nice things for her. Since she's been diagnosed with dementia in 2016, things have only gotten worse.....she forgets she's told me the same BS 100x so she will say it again. And again. It's maddening. Let me say, however, that she has always been a horribly negative person with never a decent thing to say about ANYONE. Thank God she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I can limit my visit times and leave when she gets too foul. I call daily and will cut the call short when she gets too negative. Like tonight, she was insisting her friend was "faking it" with her memory issues, believe it or not! I vamoosed it off the phone in short order because what's the point in even listening to such nonsense??

Let go of the negativity immediately after listening to it, cut the exposure to it down to a minimum , and move on with your day. Under NO circumstances should you even consider moving such an Energy Vampire into your home!!!! Then there is no escape, literally. Right now, YOU get to choose how long you listen to the nonsense. Keep it that way!

Why on earth do you “try to listen”? Why don’t you begin to avail yourself of all of your potential opportunities NOT to listen?

Do you love music? Athletic events? Politics? Gardening and home design? Cooking?

There’s a wonderful world open to you of auditory stimuli that are NOT your mother’s whining, nagging voices seek it out!

She can, and no doubt will, complain about anything she wants, but if you convince her, by use of ear speakers, that you aren’t able to listen to her because you’re listening to something ELSE that you FIND interesting and pleasant, she will need to employ some other conversational gambit, or perhaps silence, to engage you, and you can choose when and if you wish to accept her attempts.

By all means, find a compassionate therapist if you need to. Worked wonders for me. But DON’T feel as though you’re doing yourself, OR HER, any favors by being her built in audience.

Encourage any attempts on her part to take part in pleasant, interactive conversation, and make the ear buds your go to when she launches into a diatribe about her unfulfilled past.

Stop being her barf bag. You don't have to let her barf all her negativity on you, that doesn't do anything but harm you.

Change the subject and if she gets nasty, tell her that you are leaving and leave.

It is okay to protect yourself when dealing with your parent.

Your mother sounds quite depressed and is ruminating on the past.

This is not good for HER (also not good for you, but want to point out that you're not doing her a kindness by listening to her rehash old wounds).

Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. There are antidepressant meds that specifically target rumination. ((((((Hugs)))))) and good luck.

My father seems to thrive on all the slights in his life, especially the perceived slights from his own father. Often I feel if I have to hear it one more time, I will spontaneously combust. His other big obsessions are bowel movements, money, and what the neighbors are doing (or not doing). The only thing that seems to break the spell is the cat. Her presence seems to distract him long enough to let the other stuff go for a few minutes. I love that cat.

The fact that you recognize a need for therapy is most important. I hope you can seek that out for yourself.

Constant negativity can understandably be very emotionally draining. I believe you will just have to tune out the issues she bombards you with. If there is a way to distance yourself I hope you might start to do that. When you do have to hear her complain perhaps you can realize those are her issues not yours. There is nothing to be done about the slights of the deceased.

I presently feel overwhelmed with dealing with my husband's recovery from surgery. He won't accept any suggestions I make to try and help his symptoms. I am also dealing with my 89 year old mother and issues she has. I believe what makes it harder is that when I look back it doesn't feel as though she was someone I could go to for relief for much not to mention problems she created. It now feels as though anything she tries to do without my input just gives me more to deal with and sort out. There are times I feel just so tired with life and I don't want to be that way. I have grown children who have given me grandchildren that I want to be around for.

Between my husband and I there were alot of medical issues that happened in the last year. Some were unnecessary such as improper treatment that led to more problems. They are still ongoing and sometimes I find myself asking God for some relief. I know though that many have it much worse and this site has helped me greatly.

You are one of many who are dealing with what you have described. The fact that you came here seeking help shows you to have a survivor instinct. I hope you can find necessary ways to cope and feel stronger. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for better times for you.

My mother, who generally has a pleasant personality, had always had a tendency to ruminate about past injustices. After developing MCI this tendency increased a bit and focused on my estranged brother's recent bad actions. Although Mom has reason to feel wronged by my brother, I do not feel focusing on his offences and being angry on a daily or multiple times a day basis is good for her. I sure didn't want to listen to it that often either. So I changed the topic. "Yes, I agree he was wrong, but what he did is in the past and talking about it doesn't change anything. Let's talk about something more pleasant like the beautiful day, or how cute your great-grandson looks playing in the yard outside your window." It usually works. Acknowledge her pain and anger are valid, state all the talking about it in the world won't change what has happened, then ask her to move on to a new topic. It might help you and your mother too.

I sought therapy from the constant criticism. My mom did not have a mother in law. Daddy’s mom had died young. His dad met my mom and he loved my mom and she was fond of him. He died a couple years after they were married. Plus he lived in another state.

The bulk of the criticism ironically was for me. I did the most for her. She favored my brothers.

I will tell you something that my mom did that drove me up the wall. She would always try to pump me for information about others. I would stop her dead in her tracks and say, “Why are you asking me personal questions about them? If you want to know ask them because whether I know the answer or not it is not my place to tell.” It drove her nuts but she stopped doing it because she knew that I wouldn’t blab.

I am sorry you are hurting. Therapy absolutely helps. Please let us know how you are doing and vent anytime.

Best wishes to you.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the dementia talking or if this is how she really feels about me. She’ll bring up things I did in my teenage years from over 50 years ago. My brother was no angel either but somehow she never brings up anything negative about him.

She has even spoken negatively about my Dad who passed away 22 years ago & her best friend who won’t take her out anymore because she’s a fall risk.

It got to the point where I would just leave or say goodbye when she started talking like this.

I found this website and it has been so helpful to me to see that others are going through the same thing & everyone shares their thoughts & solutions. I just wish I had found this site years ago when I was caring for my mom and I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now.

I hope this website offers you some way of dealing with what you are going through. Hugs to you!