I have posted here before and have found your support is very comforting with lots of wisdom. I signed up for an art class for 4 hours a week. I have been to 2 sessions and have found when I come home, I'm totally burned out. I was supposed to go today but had insomnia and cancelled. My caregiver still came and I am out, but I'm just too tired to enjoy it. My mother called me a selfish daughter and threw one insult after another making me feel so guilty. On top of that. I called the cremation society and the gentleman on the phone was nice but also made me feel guilty. My mother has some Dementia but can still walk. I asked her if she would like to spend a week in fairfax VA with her son and his grown children. Her answer is always no because she can't stand being around my sister in law. They won't help her anyway. I feel like I need 2 weeks of vacation just to regain my strength. I've had to cancel some important doc appts because I can't always afford a caregiver. What do you do when your own child and strangers make you feel guilty? Nursing homes are out of the question.
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https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/boundaries-are-about-you-not-them-456081.htm?orderby=recent
Learn how to set some boundaries for yourself so you can save your own sanity.
And how does a cremation society representative make a person feel guilty, exactly?? Guilt is a self imposed emotion telling you you've done something wrong. What are you doing wrong by making final arrangements, or asking about final arrangements, for your mother who's 94??
For what it's worth, when the Catholic deacon came to the Memory Care home where I work on Sunday, he told me he prays daily for his 90 y/o mother to die. He feels it's a blessing to die, and that advanced old age is the true curse.
If you say that nursing homes are 'out of the question' for whatever reason, and insist on caring for mother at home, you'll need to find ways to take care of YOU and to shut down her insults and negativity towards you. Have you considered therapy?
Wishing you the very best of luck moving forward.
Seriously, I would NOT tolerate this kind of intervention. Find another cremation society.
Lealonnie and Minsu make good points. My first thought while reading your post is that you need to establish not only boundaries, but activities, what you will and won't do.
I do understand though that being in this kind of situation distorts common sense and self protection, and I don't mean that as an insult. It's like being in a rainstorm, or snowstorm; focus narrows to the existing issues of that time.
It isn't going to be easy but you have to stand up for yourself and establish a set of rules and standards.
Anyone who called me selfish would lose my support right then and there. If you can't afford a facility, contact an elder law attorney to help apply for Medicaid so you can find someplace for her.
This situation isn't going to change until (a) you change, or (you die) or (she dies).
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Guilt is a self imposed emotion, fueled by fear...what are you afraid of? Have you considered therapy to get you on the right track?
I wish you the best.
We don't have to automatically accept other people's judgments.
Second, a long time ago, I learned that no one can make me feel guilty. Feeling guilty is an emotion I allow. You can decide that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and stop people in the middle of a sentence and
Say "I know you think you are being helpful, but you are not" I know that you that you are not trying to make me feel guilty, but that is what I feel when you do "Y. What I really need is physical and mental support? I need you do "X" Be specific
Why is a nursing home out of the question?
Very good points! Essie, I don't think you are ever going to change. Do you?
Why is she being asked if she wants to spend a week with her son and his family? Why isn't she being told that is what is happening?
Your mother called you a selfish daughter because you go to an art class?!?!
Why are nursing homes out of the question?
From your previous posts, you've had some significant health (including mental health) problems. What would happen to your mother if you were no longer able to take care of her? If you cancel important dr. appointments, that could happen sooner rather than later.
Even soldiers at war are given leave. Keeps them able to refresh & continue.
Your army of one is sinking into the quicksand - you need a string of helpers to all be working together to pull you out. Then someone else takes the lead for a short time while you recover your strength.
Gather your family as your team & pull together. If they can't/won't help then use paid carers instead (in home if possible) or in a residential setting.