How do I make my 97 yr old mother understand that we can not take care of her in our home anymore?

Well, I suppose you can get her to the hospital for the next 'issue' she has and let them know that you cannot possibly take her home with you, that she must be placed in a SNF. The social worker at the hospital will find a spot for her. If she's threatening self harm or suicide, I'd call 911 the moment she utters the words and have her taken off to the hospital for observation. That's when you let them know you're no longer capable of caring for her, that you have your own health issues to worry about!

Bless you and give you the strength and courage you need to get your mother placed and to move on with your lives. You've done more than enough for her for the past 10 years. Enough is enough.

The reality is she's NEVER going to understand that you cannot continue to care for her. And if manipulation and guilt are her ways of getting her way just walk away when she talks to you, Don't listen, don't explain, don't engage.

Does she have money to pay for caregivers, or for an assisted living/long term care situation or will you need to get her on Medicaid? You are going to need help negotiating all of this. I would try to find a geriatric social worker to help you identify options on how to get her placed in another living situation. You need to be very clear to everyone that you cannot continue to do this.

You may have to just be blunt. Can she afford an AL? If so, look for a nice affordable one. Tell her she will be moving to an apartment of her own. That your Caregiving days are over. Your husband is now 79. You want to enjoy what time u both have left. And since she is not cooperative, you took the initiative.

She is manipulating you, and it is working. As soon as she threatens to harm herself call 911, have her committed and then refuse to take her home as you also are aged and can no longer care for her. Then she can be placed and you can start enjoying your retirement.

Don't let keep manipulating you...you and your husband deserve a life too.

Just tell her how it is and follow through it’s just another example of how living too long in this time impacts on others. At your age you should not have this worry

It doesn't sound like she's interested in what you have to say or why you want her out. I'd consult with an attorney to see what process you need to have her removed. I'd confirm whether you need eviction process due to the living arrangement. Or, since she has threatened self harm, you can also ask about involuntary commitment.

Your are directing your attention away from the essential issue- she needs to be safe and cared for, and you can no longer meet those needs.

She cannot “make you feel” ANYTHING. Feelings come from our own thoughts and values. You have made a heroic, martyrdom attempt to satisfy her, and even that is no longer working.

You cannot “make her understand” for numerous reasons including age, temperament, hearing deficit, and personality, and you cannot allow yourself to be intimidated by her threats or refusals if you have decided that you deserve to enjoy the ability to co tell the amount of time (if any) you want to spend with her.

If YOU want YOUR life to be different, place her in the best setting SHE can afford and allow the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS there to deal with all of the negative behaviors (including suicidal ideation) to control you. You may well be surprised to find that after a period of time she will become comfortable in her new surroundings and her hostility and manipulation towards you may diminish. OR, she may continue to react in the same way she had before the move, but YOU will be spared living life on her terms 24/7/365.

You ARE entitled to a different life, but you must CHOOSE it.

Screaming at your husband and threatening suicide? That's a 911 call.

Have her taken to the ER and state firmly that you can no longer care for her.

I’m glad to see you’ve gotten good advice in such a difficult situation and have responded that you’re ready to take positive steps to make life better. I hope you don’t assume this will ruin life for your mom, she may find things improve for her also as she’s clearly not happy with how things are. Even if she remains unhappy, that’s not on you, we all can only provide happiness and contentment for ourselves. You’ve done great as a caregiver for your mom, you’ll continue in that role, but as an advocate for her in her new setting. Please come back and let us know how it goes after the move

You could make arrangements at an AL. Tell her you are going on a vacation. That you have arranged for her to stay at a hotel type place where she won't have to worry about anything. (Don't say AL) Make sure that vacation is for a few weeks. ( meaning if u come home don't go see her) Don't leave a phone for her. Tell AL too only call if its an emergency. Tell the AL what ur doing. Then when u do see her, tell her then that u both decided while you were away that you no longer can care for her so she will be staying at the AL where she can be cared for.

This is going to be hard. If she starts screaming, walk out the door. Don't allow her to abuse you. She is 97. Please don't feel guilty. Modern medicine is good but it has allowed our parents to live longer than they can care for themselves. Seniors caring for seniors. You deserve to have a retirement free of responsibility.