It's been 6 years since we started seeing memory issues but it’s getting to the point that she repeats herself constantly. My sister and I live out of town. She needs a caregiver, to allow us to go to the Dr with her, and to stop driving but she gets so angry every time we bring it up. Any tips to help us?
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If you think things are bad inside the home and she needs an assessment you could call APS.
Also contact the DMV and tell them she is not safe to drive. Most states allow for anonymous reporting.
As to the anger, I have no advice there only empathy. Mine is the same way. Fierce denial and anger. I've been trying to limit my contact for my own sanity.
If you read the posts here you will see that dementia never gets better. It will progress and get worse no matter how your mother feels about it. The charade of independence will eventually crumble. What you can do is to research now and figure out a plan for when the charade crumbles. By plan I mean placement in an appropriate care home.
I did an anonymous report to the DMV listing my concerns including Dementia, Macular Degeneration and fainting spells. DMV promptly sent her a letter to be reevaluated. The BIG mistake I made was HELPING her fill out the extensive paperwork they wanted from her. Even with my help, because she did not show me the paperwork early enough to be completed by their deadline, they temporarily suspended her license! I was thrilled as she is a "law abiding citizen" and would not drive with a suspended license. However, here's where I made the mistake. I continued helping her get the paper work filled out, proper papers to different doctors, etc. I ASSUMED once DMV evaluated her, that they would permanently suspend her license. But no! Her doctors were fooled by her ability to maintain her social graces and said she was ok to drive. AND, she passed her driving test because she knows the town like the back of her hand. (But her car has multiple dings from minor accidents that she has no idea how they occurred.) So she got her license back! If only I had NOT helped her do the paperwork etc, her license would have automatically been revoked. Sigh!
She also got very irritated that I wanted to go to all her doctors appointments with her. So I just showed up anyway. After awhile, she got used to me being there and even allowed me to just pick her up and take her. The big no-no was if I piped in and told Doc of symptoms she was not telling because she forgot. THIS REALLY aggravated and embarrassed her. So I learned to slip a note or tell the nurse on the side what the issue was.
So she continued to drive, and I continued to take her to appointments. I was more clear with her primary care physician and staff about her dementia and my concerns. (No more assuming everyone was on the same page!)
She eventually had a mini stroke along with a seizure that allowed for a clear reason for her to stop driving and accept more help.( She recovered fine.) She still asks me why she can't drive and says she wants to go to DMV and talk to them. I tell her it is because of the mini stroke and seizure, which she doesn't remember. I don't mention the dementia because she would argue about that.
So, see if there is a trusted friend, someone she knows, who you can pay to go with her. (Maybe mom doesn't have to know the person is getting paid?) If she will accept it, even though it will make her mad, she will eventually get used to it and even look forward to it. Then you will get accurate reports on her health.
This is tricky! If the license could be revoked first, then it would be an easy excuse for someone to start taking her and sitting in on Doctor's appointments etc.
Good Luck. Don't let up because she will need the help. Think of her as a teen, sometimes you can't ask permission from them. You have to insist. (Easier said than done!)
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People pass cognitive tests because they retain enough function to be orientated to their environment and execute basic tasks; they may not be as "sharp" as they were previously but that is not the standard. Competency does not require you do not age or have declines; the standard is whether the cumulative declines have reach a point where you cannot function safely. I recently went through a series of cognitive tests for my own baseline since both parents have cognitive issues and found out my IQ has dropped 3 points since I took the same standard test 40 years ago. I can still correctly solve mathematical problems but lost some points for requiring a few more seconds now than when I was 16. People pass driving tests because they retain at least the basic skill level required before DLs are issued. Reaction time is not a critical driving skill; if it was teenagers would be the safest drivers instead of the most unsafe on the road! My mother, years into her short term memory problems and after a complete neurological examination and initial MCI diagnosis was a very safe driver, using good judgement to pick her routes carefully and using red lights for left turns. My father was an unsafe driver before his vascular dementia diagnosis: speeding, changing lanes without signaling and with very small clearance margins and turning out in front of other vehicles - much like the behavior or driving style of many a teenager. Dad could pass a driving test as easily as a teen too. Even though I considered him unsafe because of his judgement difficulties and not his driving skills, I did not take the car (and had no right to do so) until he was deemed incompetent and I became his guardian. I was able to get him to restrict his driving to daylight hours around his home, but he would not agree to stop completely.
Maybe senior parents would not be so "resistant" to offers of "help" if the children were actually "offering" cooperative help and not just wanting to substitute their own judgement for their parents' at the first sign of an aging decline. In most cases the testing performed in a doctor's office is a better measure of competence than the lay person's educated guess or opinion. Writing a letter and providing a doctor with more information allows the doctor to better determine which tests to perform.
If I had been tested multiple times and cleared repeatedly by my doctor, I think I would a bit "angry" with a child who continues to insist she knows better than the doctor and wants to start making _my_ decisions for me.
You are an inspiration in good sense.
I had to laugh about your dad's driving, we have called my mom Andretti for my entire life, she is h3ll on wheels and it is becoming more pronounced as she ages. I am thankful that I live in a different state. Your dad and her would have been great car mates.
Keep helping us stay in our own lane when dealing with an aging individual.
You can not implement huge changes without a plan. Period. It is unfair to the person that is already struggling. Someone that loves her needs to be present to help make transitions.
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Living out of town, I don't know how you'd be able to help your mother unless she were to give you Medical POA. Either that, or arrange to visit her for a period of time when you could accompany her to the doctor to express your concerns. You could also write him a letter with your concerns and ask that he administer the right tests to determine what might be at the root of your mother's memory problems. But again, I'd wonder exactly WHAT 'memory tests' she was given and if they were extensive enough to make an accurate determination as to whether or not she does have dementia.
Tough situation, I know. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward!
You understand that there are specific tests to prove if dementia is present.
Sometimes dementia is the cause. Sometimes not. It really is important to look at all possibilities.
My YB did all the talking to mom (she looked like a 5yo who got caught in the cookie jar) and took her key. I stood in the background and said nothing. On the way out I said I know she has another key, can you disable the car? He took the battery cable off.
So, next day who gets the nasty phone call? ME. You took my car key, it's mine and I want it back! I was able to say I never touched your key. She asked who did and I just said you're so smart, you figure it out and hung up. Day two. Second nasty phone call, only this time it is to demand I get down there RIGHT NOW and fix whatever I did to her car! I was also to say, again legit, that I never touched her car.
I managed to get it to my mechanic and eventually sold it. It took some extra paperwork, because mom never reregistered it in just her name after dad passed. Thankfully that took the issue away. She didn't have enough going for her to call someone to check/fix it or perhaps go buy something else. She did, for many months, complain and whine about not having it, I don't go far, etc. Eventually that morphed into giving up her wheels was the worst decision SHE made! Great, blame yourself!!!
It does require taking not just the license or the keys, but the CAR itself, and ensure it goes to a place where a) she won't ever see it and b) whoever has it isn't going to return it when she whines and complains (that happened in another thread!)
i hope you have POA and have her finances under control.
There is not much you can do except wait for the inevitable crisis. For me it was a bad fall, hospitalization then I moved mom to assited living then dad a few days later. It was a big hot mess, almost killed me but I’m glad I stuck to my guns.
The driving is a a worry. You may have to step in and end it before she harms someone else. You can’t let this go on if she’s getting bad.