Should I encourage my MIL to go to counseling?

Um, my 93 y/o mother would be highly insulted if she was referred to a counselor or a therapist for her myriad of issues. In fact, she's been highly insulted for the past 60 years when such a thing has been suggested. She's also refused to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications to treat her OCD, severe anxiety, terrible fear, depression, etc. Instead of insisting she get treatment, my father pandered to her every need, babied her something fierce, and as a result, she didn't drive, write checks, pay bills, or be otherwise immersed in adult life as the rest of humanity knows it to be.

As an elder of 93 with dementia now, she's been MY burden since 2011. She collects the mail in a pile and the very instant she sees me, she thrusts it into my face: Here's the mail! She says gleefully.

Here's the thing: I knew my mother was a child and so, I was unwilling to have either of my parents live in my home or vice versa. I had them both placed in Assisted Living back in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip. He passed in 2015 and mother has never been happier. She's now in the Memory Care section of the ALF, and causing me all ends of grief, but she's not living WITH me, and that's the main thing.

Why is your MIL living with YOU, having all these issues?

My point is this: A person has to acknowledge a problem exists and want help for it in order to GET help. Otherwise, it's just a waste of time and money.

Does your MIL want help? Does she see herself as an anxiety ridden individual, or is she just using the "I don't want to be a burden" manipulation technique to its best advantage and having you fall for it?

OF COURSE they're a burden, and they know it! They figure it this way.......if they admit to being a burden, then it's okay in their mind that they ARE a burden!! It's like when my mother says, "I know I shouldn't say this BUT.........." She figures if she caveats her inappropriate statement with that line, then it's OKAY to say something inappropriate! See where I'm going with this?

Your MIL is manipulating you with that "I don't want to be a burden but please entertain me 24/7" routine she's using.

Forget about the counselor, the therapy, all of it. Instead, look into some lovely Assisted Living communities in the area and get her placed. She can pay others to entertain her, and to listen to how she 'can't' do this that and the other thing. She, I'm sure, is quite capable of doing whatever she puts her mind to, as evidenced by flying across the country alone to visit her daughter. She's a helpless victim only when it's convenient to be one.

Wishing you the best of luck!

She is going to have to want to speak to someone. She won't go even if it would be in her best interest if she isn't open to speaking to someone. She may even feel rejected if you bring it up. It's normal for you to want to bring it up but what good will it do if she isn't receptive? Has she ever been in therapy before? Would she go alone? Would she go if your family went as a unit?

I know that you are asking this question out of concern for her and your husband. I would like to ask you a question, if you don't mind. Is her behavior causing problems for you and your husband? I ask this because I am normally a very empathetic person towards people but when no progress is made I become very frustrated and I no longer want to be involved. I am not heartless but if I continue to make a suggestion for a possible solution and it is continually ignored then I just want to tell the person not to ask me anymore.

Is your MIL becoming a burden?

There’s a huge difference in being closer to family and actually living in your home. Sounds like it’s been a bad idea for all of you. Start with a doctor visit to see if maybe a med for anxiety or depression may be of help, and also look for independent housing for her nearby. She’ll feel better and more self sufficient and you won’t feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells

Don't push her to go to counselling. If she wants to, even mentions it, then encourage her and help her find a good, sensible, reliable therapist. But don't you (or your DH) keep on about it. You'll make her dig her heels in all the harder.

Um. She shouldn't be living with you and DH. The reason I say that so flatly is that this lady, as you say, is perfectly capable of organising and handling a long trip involving air travel - enough to test the stamina and coping skills of anybody, surely. Which leads me to conclude that the helplessness she exhibits at your house is a combination of

learned helplessness - every time you do something for her, or do things a different way from what she's used to, you undermine her confidence. Unintentionally, of course (I'm sure you intend the opposite!) but all the same.

anxiety - from being uprooted, from wanting to fit in but not being able to just like that;

the normal frustration and sadness, which we must ALL cope with eventually, of not being the adventurous spring lambs that we once were.

Maybe, too, a little bit of grief and loss from leaving where she was? Did she have friends there, clubs, societies, a favourite café? These are hard to leave behind.

Look up all those articles about the empirical evidence that seniors who are encouraged and supported to cope independently *and* *take* *on* *new* challenges stay mentally and physically well for however many years it is than those who are "looked after."

I've just a few hours ago left a lady of 98 who can read the instructions on a microwave supper better than I can, and whose kitchen made me blush for mine. She fractured the neck of her femur not long ago and we're supposed to be helping her get back to normal. I felt like offering her a job as my housekeeper.

Anyhoooooo... so, find your MIL a place in a community of spirited and independent-minded elders, where she can be with people on her wavelength and lead the kind of life that she was used to enjoying, only nearer to her kith and kin. She wanted to uproot her home and move it nearer to you. Instead, she's changed her whole way of life and it's not working well for any of you.

Some kind of private therapy along with a little 'group' therapy could be helpful.

This is your MIL, not your mother, so the whole dynamic is different. You hubby should be taking a greater role in helping mom to adapt.

Problems that seem small now can and will grow to huge proportions when there is not communication involved.

If therapy seems too expensive, maybe your clergyman/woman would be able to do some kind of healing talking.

Perhaps a mild anti-depressant for the time until she has adapted to the move? Anxiety keeps us hostage sometimes, from doing the things we want to do.