Mom is blaming me for everything but not my sister. How do I turn this off?

Seems at every turn there's a new hiccup. My mom does the same thing to my sister..... I tell her to ignore it, but I know it stings. She's a bit (tiny bit) nicer to me since I am her ride to drs. and in charge of her meds, all things health related. And every few weeks something different crops up and becomes yet another challenge. It's difficult to become focused and repeatedly tell yourself it's the disease and not the person. For many of us our moms/dads have been this way their entire lives and now their bad behavior is on steroids. Tough to accept, and even harder to be gracious.

My advice is simple. Either learn to tune her out (nearly impossible) or refuse to allow her to further damage your spirit. Her problems are unfixable since a new one is just on the horizon. It's a disease without cure...don't let it be a prison sentence for you.

I’m guessing it’s because she knows you’ll still be there for her no matter what. Your sister, on the other hand, probably not so much. My mom did the same thing with me. It was devastating for me at the time, but in hindsight, I see it for what it was: my manipulative mother orchestrating the family dysfunction. I’ve learned that it’s about boundaries and if that means you have to walk away, then please do. For your own mental health, you need to. You can still tell her you love her but that you can’t hear it anymore. Then try again on the next visit. Huge hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Many hugs to all who live with this! I guess she really has dementia, I’m just unhappy that I’m the focus of it. Sis and I both see her regularly but I do listen more and keep trying to fix her problems. Sis does what everyone else is doing, leaves when she gets miserable. So, I must be an enabler. It’s too hard for me to walk away.

If you know it’s paranoid dementia, then I’d try to avoid listening to it. You can ignore it or just leave when she starts. She’ll likely forget all about it. People with brain damage don’t have to make sense. Lowering your expectations might afford some protection. Sometimes, family members unleash on those they trust, but I wouldn’t interpret this as against you and for sister. She may switch her story later OR she could have a delusion that you are against her. Perhaps it will fade.

It happens to all Caregivers. There was 4 of us. My sister passed in 1996. A brother lives (the one we called the "Golden One) 7 hrs away. I was the main caregiver and got the brunt. The child who was always there. Her paranoia was short lived but she blamed me and younger brother for making her feel she was going crazy and she wasn't. Younger brother rarely saw her.

Its hard, but keep telling urself its the disease.

me too exept i have 2 brothers

Because somebody has to be The Whipping Post, and she's decided it's YOU! Since I'm an only child, I've always been and always will be The Whipping Post. My 93 y/o mother treats everyone else like solid gold and me like cow dung. So I limit my contact with her and to her toxic fumes. There is no arguing with dementia, either, it's 100% futile. It's like they don't even hear what we're saying, and just continue down the complaining highway, never missing a beat.

When my mother gets TOO toxic, I just tell her I'm either leaving or hanging up the phone and will see/speak to her another time when she's in a better mood. Which is probably going to be on the 12th.

Of Never.

Good luck!

Unless you are physically restrained when you visit, there is no reason why you need to stay in your mother’s presence and bear witness to her negativity. After a few minutes, if she starts her litany of blame and misery, kindly excuse yourself and tell her you’ll see her “in a few days” when she might be in a better mood. Then leave.