This is regarding what to do regarding inviting my dad to a surprise party for my hubby. Any suggestions?

LaGorda,
So nice of you to want to include others in your husband's birthday.
Have you thought about just the two of you enjoying a nice dinner out, just the two of you?

Since your Dad won't remember, could you include him, but not on the actual day?

Nope, dad won't remember at all. No sense in writing it down or doing anything in advance. If it were me, I'd show up at his house a couple of hours before the party. See what mood he's in, how he's feeling, if he's interested in joining the festivities. If so, help him get ready right then & there, load him up into the car, and off you go. If not, not.

What I find with my demented mother is the more info she's given, the worst it is. About anything and everything. Last minute is the ONLY way to go. Don't get your hopes up and you'll never be disappointed. That's another good piece of advice when dealing with this hideous disease.

Wishing you all the best!

My dad also has no short term memory so I just don't bother to tell him things until it is literally time to get out of bed, get dressed, and then go to the appointment. I usually call an hour beforehand and tell him that he has X appointment, he needs to get ready for it and to call me when he is dressed. He can usually remember for the hour that he is getting ready that he needs to call me. It seems that being actively involved in preparing for the appointment helps him hold the thought. I know it takes between 45 minutes to an hour and I should get a call. Then I say "now put your coat on and meet me downstairs so we can go to your appointment."

The idea of setting aside the clothes on a hanger at the side of the closet is a good one as you can tell him what to put on or to have your brother go early enough to help him dress. Also, having someone willing to return him home when he's ready to leave is important. My dad likes to be included in all family gatherings but he doesn't like to stay long. He doesn't hear well either and finds it very disconcerting to have all the noise around him and feel left out since he has a hard time participating in conversations. He usually just makes an appearance so he can say hello to everyone and then wants to go home. Luckily he lives just 5 minutes away so someone is always willing to get him home.

If you decide that this is really not going to work due to distances and logistics having a smaller family celebration will also be lovely. He won't even know what he missed so won't feel left out.

No.he can't stay at our house. My stepson lives with us and there is no room.

No, he will not remember. If like my mom, he has started to write little "note to self" as reminders and leave them laying everywhere. Wait until the day of but remember that large gatherings can be very overwhelming for those with dementia. Have someone that is willing to take him home during the party if he wants to get out of there.

Don't tell your father about the party in advance. Write it on his calendar and tell any staff who need to know, but don't tell your father until a day or two before at most.

And don't expect him to get himself ready for it!

Your brother will need to go to your father in good time on the day, help him get ready, and bring him to the party. Maybe you could put a smart outfit to one side in advance, all on one hanger in your father's wardrobe so that your brother can find it easily. As for how much time to allow: calculate explaining, shaving, washing, toileting, undressing and re-dressing time, and double it. That much time!

Ideally your brother (or another nominated volunteer?) should also be kind and good-natured enough to take your father home again if the party's getting too much for him; but it would be lovely for your husband and your father if your father can be included at least for long enough to put in an appearance. Short-and-sweet often works best for older, frailer people, especially in a lively crowd.

Your dad sounds so sweet. It’s not likely that he will remember about the party to be ready for your brother. Could brother call him when he is on his way? Arrive a little early and help dad get dressed?He might not remember if he has been to a party after it is all over. I usually don’t let that keep me from taking my dh aunt to things because she enjoys them while she’s there. However you mention that dad is pulling away from social outings. Sometimes elders don’t enjoy being in crowds or around a lot of what seems like confusion. He might be clingy or want you to bring him home early. Is there a place at your home where he could retreat if he needed to? Will there be others near his age he would enjoy visiting with? I would think about these things before making a final decision. It’s a bit of trouble but well worth it if you think your dad would enjoy the party. Would brother be willing to look after him? It’s hard to host and be looking out for him at the same time.
Emjoy the party whatever you decide. I know you would like him there but it is good that you are considering alternatives.