My mother was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia and was told she should not live alone...

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Prioritize. Is she in immediate danger this week? Could she hear it if the smoke alarm went off? Could she smell smoke? Can she use the telephone? Can she drive? Is there food in the house, and is she eating it? Is she taking medications correctly? Is she getting scammed? Is she allowing strangers to move in to the guest room? Compulsive shopping? Hoarding? Afraid to buy necessities because she has no idea how much she has in the bank?

If she's OK on a day-to-day level for the moment, do what you can to show her you are on her side, if your relationship allows it. Don't confront her with too much reality at once. Together, plan another visit to the doctor to get more info, create a list of questions to ask the doctor. Consider going to a memory clinic, to gradually introduce her to some aspects of this diagnosis, in a supportive environment. Be on her side. Be angry at the doctor with her. Try everything with her--memory drugs, vitamins, computer games, whatever she thinks might work. Yes, you'll be humoring her, but get used to it, because she'll probably never understand or accept her impairment. If she feels you are on her side, everything else will be much easier.

Pick your battles. Back off the idea of moving for now, if she is not in immediate danger. Do whatever you can to get her to sign the POA documents. Is there a financial professional or legal professional she trusts, even just an insurance agent or tax accountant? If so, try talking with that person privately first, see if they would be willing to present the documents to mom. Maybe someone from her church or other social group could talk to her about how they signed POA documents. Maybe these discussions take place in her bank or some other familiar office-type setting, where she feels she is a respected adult. She may be much more receptive to almost anyone else besides you! You are still an irresponsible teenager in her mind.

You're going to have to become sneaky and manipulative, for her own good and for yours. You have to round up participants and create situations in which she thinks she is being presented with information and choices, but you have already decided which information and choices she will have. Every day, you must remind yourself, you can never trust her judgement again, you can never ask her advice again.

This advice may or may not work, depending on her personality, the level of impairment, your relationship with her, whether you live nearby, how often you can visit. Good luck!

Sometimes our parents are in such denial, so stubborn, etc. that they really get in the way of helping them in a reasonable fashion. It can be quite frustrating.

I totally agree with the posts before mine. Try the gentle discussions and if they don't work, back off and deal with what inevitably happens, when it happens. Not much of a solution, but what can you do.

Does she let you go to doctor's appointments with her? If so, maybe you could ask the doctor in advance to address certain topics? If they're willing.

"Mom, the doctor says it's no longer safe for you to live alone. Would you like some help in figuring out what your options are?"

Sometimes you have to start out by approaching this gently. I frankly think that moving someone with dementia into your home is a very, very bad idea.

If she resists discussion, you may need to back off and let the inevitable bad fall or illness happen which will get her hospitalized and then placed in rehab. Rehab can turn into a long term care placement.

Hazelsdaughter, How recently did this happen? I'm asking because maybe she just needs some time to come to grips with what it means for her life. If she is a member of a religious community, perhaps you can ask her pastor or priest or rabbi to come help her deal with it? Other than this and allowing some time (and as long as she is cognitively able to comprehend) I would sit down with her and have a calm, gentle discussion about how you are willing and able to help her, and that making decisions now means she gets to have direct input, whereas if she waits she may not be able to participate in the decision-making. She will also need to know what will happen if she waits too long without assigning a trusted person as durable PoA. She needs to be informed that someone *will* eventually be making decisions on her behalf, and does she want it to be you, or the county social workers after they get guardianship over her? Explain how you will either be forced to either pursue guardianship through the courts (very distressing, very expensive, very time-consuming) or stand by and watch the county get it (and at that point you will have no say in her care, finances, medical decisions). She needs to hear this and understand her denial means she will leave you a flaming dumpster fire of a situation. You can find some pretty astonishing stories on this forum of what that looks like and how it transpired because of LOs in denial. This discussion may not move the needle for her, but at least you've done your due diligence. Maybe this conversation needs to just inch forward...you are the best judge of the pace. I wish you peace in your heart as you navigate this together!