I have been taking care of my mother who lives 12 hrs away for the past 3 months, my husband visited at Christmas. I was planning on returning home for a visit and attend medical appointment with husband who may need some non life threatening surgery. Just before I was ready to leave my sister and alternate caretaker for my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't go home I need to take Mom for chemo and testing. My sister's journey is just beginning, pet scan,spinal tap, possible second biopsy all being scheduled. I told husband I would come home for his surgery should he need it. He's never had actual surgery before, I have had several. I told him I would stay at least 2wks after surgery longer if needed. I also said that after he could drive and take care of himself and my family was in crisis I would have to go back. He is hurt angry and upset. I reminded him we just said the other day we wouldn't let this ruin us. Now he says he doesn't know. He's stressed being home alone and dealing with all our household stuff and dogs. I'm heartbroken and terrifed over it all. I could lose all 3. Any advise?
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you are sacrificing your marriage. Unless that is your plan, talk with social workers and find a nursing home placement for your Mom. Now.
wouldnt you be hurt, angry, and upset if you needed your husband and your husband put his Mom ahead of you?
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Three months is a long time to be away from your home for caregiving. Your H is telling you that he needs you.
Like others have posted, why can't your mother go into a facility?
Is it just you and your sister? No other siblings?
My short answer is go home.
The simple fact is: you are one person & one person cannot be in 2 places at once.
If your Mother needs your help, the straight forward answer is she comes to where you are *in your home*.
This is the 1st step. A temporary solution while you get breathing space.
Be warned, this will probably still cause tention in your marriage though.
2nd step would be to find appropriate level of residential care near your home. You will still be assisting her but can also go home to sleep in your own house - & keep your marriage.
That said your priority is your husband, your family.
3 months away from your husband is a LONG time and I think other arrangements for your mom need to be made.
Assisted Living or Memory Care if that is appropriate.
Your sister needs to think about her health and she must also have a family she should not be splitting her time caring for mom just as you shouldn't
I understand why your husband is hurt and upset.
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