Loaded down with junk food. Any thoughts?

Try putting a sign in the door: Doctor's orders - no sugar fat flour foods.

I think this is about boundaries – with your family members who are doing the wrong thing. There are lots of very solid suggestions here – put the food in the bin in front of them, show them pictures of people in wheelchairs with amputations, put the food in a locked cupboard immediately and then throw it out, get a firm ‘doctor’s order’ regarding diet and possible disasters.

You have tried explaining, gentle persuasion, putting things out of sight etc, and it doesn’t work. It sounds that your only option for change is to toughen up yourself. Do the ‘nasty’ things to your rellies. Make it clear that as soon as he goes into a wheelchair he will have to go into care for the sake of your own health – or does one of the rellies want to take over? Or just sit, stop worrying, let it all happen, and make plans for what to do when it becomes unbearable for you.

What not to do is to worry and make yourself unhappy, but not to anything tough to stop it all.

"Finally told him they had her medicine in them - that was only thing that stopped him" - Love that. Very clever. When I first started caring for my mom I felt I had to limit the sodas, candy, and cakes. Actual doctor's orders. Each week I'd remove some from the cupboard and hide them in the garage. She'd report that she was out of something and I'd say to put it on the grocery list. At that time she was still going with me to shop and would try to buy too many sweets. I'd pretend to count the money and say we could only afford either the cookies or the cake and couldn't get any sodas this time. Then I replaced the sodas with juice, which I know is still not so good, but better. And I finally got her on a very decent diet, but it had to be gradual and there were some arguments about it. I got called names. But she got healthier. At least family members listened to me and didn't bring her sweets. Now at assisted living she is allowed the sugary snacks and she's gained 20 pounds. I once in a while remind them that she is having too many sweets, but the cakes and cookies are sitting there in the kitchen in her view and she can smell them come out of the oven. She's so cute when I'm there she wants me to have half of her snacks. I don't want to eat that kind of stuff, but I do anyway to show her I appreciate her generosity. I don't go along with the idea of letting people have whatever they want, but it gets exhausting trying to convince others, so I mostly let it go these days. However, from your list of what your dad eats and drinks, some of that absolutely must be taken from him. Oral fixation: maybe look into other things he could chew on. Not sure what.

LivingSouth, how old is your dad? I can see letting him a food free-for-all every once in a while if he's in his 90s, but not so much if he has many years ahead of him requiring caregiving.

When my grandson was fighting me on a single "no-thank you" bite of brocolli, I whipped out my mobile and looked up pictures of emaciated children from a famine. I told him there's people in the world who are literally dying to eat a piece of broccoli. Now he has at least 1 bite of "no-thank you" foods, and even likes broccoli. My point is maybe you should look up pictures on the mobile of people who've had feet and legs amputated from diabetes and show that to his "loving" children and ask them if this is what they want for their father cuz that's where it's going and once he's in a wheelchair he'll also be living in a LTCF? And, if my family were blatantly ignoring and disrespecting my pleas to stop bringing him those foods only, I'd march their gifts right into the garbage in full sight of them. It's their disrespect that is bothersome. Let them know what it feels like to be openly dissed. When they complain, whip out the mobile pics. Also, I like the "doctor's orders" angle in combo with this. Good luck!

"They seem to think that since he is elderly that he should just eat and drink whatever he wants."

Mm. This is one point of view, you know, and one that is quite highly thought of in many circles.

I realise the doctor advises differently, but then the doctor too is only considering one aspect of your father's quality of life: namely his health - or not even that, purely his physiological health.

I think if I were you I would fall on the "gifts" with a glad cry, thank the donors warmly, and then spirit the items away for storage in a cool, dry place like it says on the containers. If your father asks for them you have to hand 'em over, mind. Just not necessarily all at once.

And don't spend an hour cooking a meal he isn't going to want. What are his all-time favourite dishes?

Find a pantry or cabinet that you can put all dad's snacks in and when siblings come over they can put all the goodies in there. ...Then lock it....
You can put out a few things for dad every day and he can eat what he wants when he wants but when it is gone that is it for the day.
There are magnetic locks that you can put on a cabinet door, they go on the inside and no one even knows they are there. You have a magnet "key" that you place over where the lock is and it opens.
I used to keep a box of my Husbands favorite cookie on top of the refrigerator and he would take as many as he could so I just started keeping 3 in the box. I would replace the 3 every day. But I always had fresh fruit in a bowl on the counter and he would eat fruit when he snacked.

Since your siblings do not respect your wishes to stop bringing the "junk" snacks as they pile up bag them and bring them to a food pantry. Food Banks always accept items like that as many people bring other items. (When I would take my Grandson to shop for our donations we would get pasta, sauce, beans, rice and he said we needed to include cake mix or brownie mix because every one likes dessert!)

this posted 2 X deleted it but can't leave the space blank. WHY can't we delete a comment?!

I suggest engaging your siblings in hunting for low sodium and filling low carb foods your father needs to prevent fluid retention. You might want to consider motivating them with find photos where the skin splits from fluid retention swelling or a description of what it feels like to experience a "drowning" sensation from fluid in the lungs.

Diet Rite sodas have 0 sodium, health food stores offer dried fruit and some vegetables with no or little sodium that make excellent crunchy snacks. Jello, fruit, and even pudding cups are tasty snacks. There's even some low sodium cheese my grandfather loved on his grits. Does you father like raisins, grapes, apple slices, strawberries, cantaloupe, cucumbers and tomatoes? Could your siblings take the time to prepare servings in disposable snack cups? Bake some low sodium cookies? Air pop some popcorn? Bring some healthy choice frozen meals?

Emphasize reducing sodium and sugar in as many baseline foods as possible means your father can continue to enjoy limited amounts of high sodium/carbohydrate foods for a longer time without any bad health impacts.

People who provide food almost always believe they are "helping" somehow - even once they have been told otherwise. Often, people who provide food also believe they are the only ones providing cookies, fast food, etc. They do not stop to think that there could be other people also bringing his/her own stash of goodies, that adds up to WAY more than one elder with medical needs should have at one time. "What difference does it make if I take him/her a cheeseburger?" Or, "I just brought him/her what was asked for!!" Well, when you're also bringing fries, someone else brought cookies, someone else brought soda, and elder has chips hidden behind the sofa from someone else, it's insane. It's very hard to stop this type of thing as requests to stop bringing stuff gets taken as a criticism. Food is so personal. Eventually, people will find ways to try deceiving you. I've even seen families make a joke of it. Not funny. Consequences can be bad.

A couple of ideas to cope with the siblings. This is a reasonable thing to do ‘doctor’s orders’ about. Tell the siblings that the doctor has given strict orders for no junk food, with the threat of amputating his legs if his sugar control gets worse. Google more information about diabetes etc to make it sound convincing, and ask the doctor to say it to you so that you don’t feel that you are lying. The other idea is to think of gifts that the siblings could bring instead of the junk food. That may be difficult, as older people often don’t need much. But there could be food treats like smoked salmon or interesting fruit. Or go to the library and find things about WWII or anything else he may be interested in. Or treats for the grandchildren that they will write thankyou letters about. Even just things that would be better to give to charity than junk food! Thinking about amputation may get the siblings to take it all more seriously. I see far too many overweight people in wheelchairs with one stump, it’s a very realistic thing to bring up.

It's already piled up to about three feet high of drinks and a shelf full of cookies. I'm trying to lose weight - so all this stuff is right in front of me. I did donate some to a local food bank. They want to keep placating him and feed the addiction. He has an oral fixation - must have something in his mouth most of the time. Yes he is very much bored, but naps all through the day, too. He acts so pleased about the stuff that they keep piling it on so Poppy will love them! " Here's some cookies and candy Poppy - how about a big sloppy kiss?" (Arrgggh!)

I am typically of the live and let live mindset for old age... up UNTIL it inconveniences the people caring for them. We had to explain to so.many.people that in-laws straying too far from our generally healthy (with regular treats thrown in) eating patterns caused ALOT of problems.

The “you’re no fun/they are old and have earned it” crowd have typically never...

- had to clean up chitapalooza after a food binge
- had an emergency middle of the night hospital run because of blood sugar issues
- had to hear the complaining of headaches, etc afterward
- had to worry about the food coma stupor and try to discern if it is just the food or a stroke or...
- had to lift the people that are indulging on to the toilet/into bed etc.
- had to keep an eagle eye over blood sugar levels for administering meds for diabetics

and the list goes on.

My take is that if you are self-reliant and in your right mind, have at it. But when it starts rocking the world of the people who are ALREADY EXHAUSTED taking care of someone, that is when both the elder and the family/friends need to find a different way of bringing comfort.

You won't be able to control dad's eating habits as long as he's getting outside snacks. I KNOW this b/c my DH is absolutely addicted to sugar---it's awful. I made cookies last week for a neighbor. Ate 2 and left 2 on a plate for DH. And put 12 on another plate, but they were too warm to cover with plastic, so I left them.

DH got home late from work. I had gone to bed, but woke up about 2 am--went to the kitchen and ALL the cookies were gone. Man had eaten 14 HUGE chocolate cookies. I took the plate in to him (he was still up) and said "Um, where are the cookies for the X family?" He said "I couldn't help myself. But if it makes you feel better I drank 2 big glasses of milk." No, that didn't make ME feel better. He has been diabetic and after 2 heart attacks, lost 60 lbs and was no longer considered 'active' diabetic, and he's back to eating garbage. Needs to lose 40 lbs and knows how to do it---but he'll eat anything sugary that's not nailed down.

So, unlike the other day, I make cookies and hide them or take them out of the house completely. He eats the crappiest candy I get for the g-kids--he ate half a bag of stale Easter candy (must have been left from last year, it was awful) yesterday and had a terrible headache from it.

YOU can control dad's sugar intake. Tell your sibs no more treats or sugary sodas. Just: No. Figure out what he CAN and WILL eat that isn't pure sugar and give them a list.

A healthy snack in mid afternoon would be fine, but eating all day--which my DH does if he's home, throws off his actual meal time, and there I sit with dinner I made and he goes "oh, I stopped at Costco on the way home to get ink cartridges and got a hot dog and drink there. I'm not hungry." But 4 hrs later he IS and so he has to reheat the nice dinner I made him.

How does your dad do with breakfast and lunch? DH is OK until about 3 pm and then the binging begins.

If you can let him know he can have ONE snack about 3, and make it last for a while, he'll be fine. Nobody died from not getting a box of Little Debbie oatmeal pies and eating them all in one sitting. Plenty have died from eating garbage all day, everyday.

Compromise. The ONLY change DH made, which really did help a lot, was switching to sugar free sodas and green tea. He won't drink plain water, either.

And be very grateful you are not caring for him solely by yourself!!

There might be more than a few things going on here. Dad could be bored, and boredom can make us all just eat and eat. And who wouldn’t rather have a cookie than a piece of broccoli? 😉. Sibs might be feeling guilty that you are the one caring for your dad. So, they come bearing gifts. Or, on the other hand, they want to make you look like the big meany for “depriving” him of food he likes, so they bring it to prove to him how wonderful they are.

The next time they visit, meet them at the door with a big smile of welcome. Take the food from them and say, “Oh, thank you! I’ll take that. You go right in and see Dad!” Then take the food and lock it up if you have to in order to keep Dad out of it. When it piles up, donate it to a local food bank.