What is best for Mom?

Do you live with your mother in her home or does she live with you in your home?

If it's your mother's home, I'm not surprised that your sister feels right at home to mess up the kitchen and not clean up after herself. Your sister may never have matured much beyond messy young adult. If it's your home, that's a much different situation. You have every right to tell your sister that she must clean up after herself. Either way, in my opinion I would hire a housekeeper once a week to take some of the burden off yourself.

As for the outing, your mother may have put on a good show so as not to hurt your sister's feelings. Old people with dementia often do not remember that they need oxygen or a wheelchair. My late MIL insisted that all she needed was a cane when we took her to Disneyland while visiting one of my BILs and his wife in CA. To his credit, my BIL said "We're getting you a wheelchair and will go straight to the head of each line, mother" and she felt special for getting her family VIP treatment! Alas, most of life is not VIP treatment for people in wheelchairs.

Write a list of everything that your mother needs to have with her when she goes out: oxygen, nasal cannula, pill box plus list of medications, undergarments, baby wipes, sunglasses, two good snacks (box of raisins, peanut butter sandwich, cheese stick etc.), water...you get the idea. Go to the thrift store and buy a diaper bag that has lots of pockets so that you can put things together and refill as needed. Inform your sister that this bag must accompany your mother. Look for a diaper bag that can hang over the back of the wheelchair without hitting the wheels. If you or a friend can sew, you can make adjustments so the bag fits.

I've had to "lay down the law" with my BILs and SILs a few times about when my in-laws went to visit. The first time they were going to stay with one of my BILs and his family, I called my SIL and told her the truth about MIL's needs: it takes her 2-3 hours to get ready, she needs a shower chair, she needs a grab bar at the toilet, she needs night lights, etc etc. My MIL never in a million years would have said any of that because that would make her a "bad house guest". To her credit, once SIL got over the shock of MIL's needs - "Are you sure she needs all these things? She doesn't look that bad!" - she had everything ready for their arrival.

I also urge you and your sister to read Roz Chast's book Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?. If she's not interested in learning to be better at helping care for her mother, then you'll know you need to take things more into your own hands. But I suspect that your sister will read the book, and you both can discuss it over a pot of coffee. At least that's my hope for you. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Thank you all for your responses. I honestly was not expecting this - much gratitude!

Your sister might be doing a bad job with your mother during the day so that you will relieve her of her duties and hire caregivers. Is that a possiblity?

(BTW, if you do go this route, it is your MOTHER'S funds that should be used; not yours! What is your mother's financial situation? You say your sister and brother conned her out of $20K. Is your mother paying you anything? She should be.)

I had provided them with detailed information on mother's bathroom routine and where they could most conveniently stop on their route. I had explained that because of her medications mother suffered from motion sickness, as she never had before.

My brother likes to drive very fast - he is a skilled driver, I wasn't worried about that, but he also doesn't like to interrupt a journey. SIL gets very hot (metabolic issues) so she kept the car windows wound down. In December. For a two and a half hour journey.

Without telling me or consulting my mother, they had hired an aide to assist mother with personal care for the week she stayed with them. Mother would not allow the aide to assist. She came home with a fungal infection under her bust, which SIL blamed on the pure cotton soft bras mother had worn without incident for years.

They bought her a rollator, and expected her to use it. A lot.

A week or so after she came back from this stay, mother had a paralysing stroke which SIL attributed to my failing to motivate mother to take sufficient exercise.

Two months later, mother went for the last echocardiogram of her life. Her type of pacemaker monitors and records episodes of AFib. Every single day that she had stayed with them the AFib rate was right up there with her day trip to Longleat Safari Park, and the afternoon she spent in the cataract clinic.

I don't have any contact with my siblings these days! I am not sad about that :)

And as my mother would have sighed (and quite often did sigh) about my SIL: "she *means* well..."

You could use a webcam in a common room or as a doorbell to see what's happening at home when you're working, but what action would you take if you see something you don't like? If you saw your mother and sister leaving the house without the wheelchair or O2, does your sister have a cell phone you could call? Would she listen to you if you did?

Is it possible to get the doctor to write an "order" your mother have her O2 and use a wheelchair whenever she leaves the house? Would your sister listen to the doctor?

While I agree family harmony is very desirable, there may come a point where you need to hire care givers to cover your working hours if Mom's well being is compromised too badly. You may even need to tell your sister she cannot take your mother out of the house when you're not there to make sure she takes the O2. The challenge is making sure you are reducing a sibling's role because it really is in Mom's best interest and not just because you are upset they are not listening to you. After gaining guardianship of my father and placing him in MC, I established some "rules" for an estranged brother (follow MC rules, be polite to the staff, don't take Dad out of MC, etc.) but continued to allow him access to our father because his visits were mostly good for Dad, even if EB continued to trash talk about me and tell Dad he really didn't need to be wasting money on MC.

CM,

Wow, you had a right to be angry. How could you not be upset. I agree, harmony is best between family members. Not always possible but certainly is the best thing for all involved.

By the way. I speak as one who came very close to punching my SIL in the face when she brought my mother home grey with pain, freezing cold, dressed like a bag lady and desperate for the loo - and then had the gall to be proud of herself and claim that she understood mother's needs better than I did. There was an ugly scene. Don't think I don't sympathise.

What's best for Mom is that you and sister recognise that you are both on Team Mom, and don't rip chunks off each other.

It's a complicated situation with a great many details in it. There are going to be technical hitches in the care plan from day to day.

You should focus on the really great day your mother had before her two days' exhausted bed rest.

Your sister should think: so now I know - next time Mom wants to go out, we need to make sure she's got everything she needs ready in the car, and I should try to discourage heroics.

And what is brother thinking, just out of interest?

That’s a tough situation but I would be upset too. They know how you feel and are blatantly undermining your choices. I’m so sorry this is happening.

How does your mom feel afterwards? I don’t mean physically but is she sorry that she tried to do something do difficult to do?

It’s hard getting old. I realize it’s hard letting go of their independence and I feel for them but you are clearly the responsible child looking out for your mom’s best interests.

My siblings don’t like me either and played one against the other which was hurtful. I ended up surrendering all caregiving responsibilities and handing it over to my sibling. I did it for 15 years, certainly more than my share.

Has her doctor discussed the consequences of her trying to do too much? Sometimes enlisting help from medical authorities help because they may take their advice more seriously.

Best wishes to you and your family.