My mom has been living with me and my husband for a year now. She was evaluated and has dementia.
Over the years before this, my family knew something was not right with mom and her memory.
Now me and my husband are taking care of her. My siblings are no help whatsoever. They don’t call to say hi to mom and see how she is doing. They don’t call to see how their older sibling is doing (me) because I have had my own health issues and so does my husband.
I have been very depressed and cry myself to sleep a lot over this thing with mom. And it is also affecting my job. Me and my husband don’t take care of ourselves like we should as far as our health goes. We are taking care of mom and getting abused by her words especially to me. And I can’t handle it anymore.
We have had her on a waiting list at a memory care nursing home and I feel the next time a bed opens we are getting her in there.
Sometimes I feel guilty about this. But me and my husband need to take care of ourselves first. We are tired of the abuse we get and feel this is the right thing to do. But sometimes friends and family make us feel like we are wrong to do it. I just wished they could walk in our shoes for a day or two to see what we have been through.
I really like this site a lot. Thank you for letting me get my feelings out.
10 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Oh, before placement, you might ask them to care for mother for a couple weeks so you can have respite time. Perhaps, this would provide them some perspective.
I guarantee they will keep their mouths shut from then on.
You are making the right decision for everyone's sake. Don't feel guilty, just move forward. You can always visit her in the SNF as often as you'd like.
Best of luck!
ADVERTISEMENT
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY has a right to guilt you into giving up your health, money and LIFE to care for someone else that needs 24/7 heavy duty care.
So often these well-meaning people imagine the Hallmark Channel or Grandma Walton version of a sweet elderly woman sitting calmly in a rocker, crocheting and not being ANY TROUBLE AT ALL to anyone, cooperating with all the daily activities of the household, happy and grateful to have a place to live, etc.
These "helpful advisors" don't know jack squat about sun-downing, screaming and violent behavior of a dementia patient staying up all night and trying to leave the house, you finding dirty diapers have been used to redecorate the walls of your house during the night, etc.
Ask these friends and family if they would like to care for Mom for a week while you take a vacation. I had support of my siblings. Did have one friend who said "I took care of my Mom". Yes, and she was in her early 50s and I don't think her Mom lived with her. I was 65.
My SIL just transferred her Mom from Independent living to an AL. A big lift has been taken off her shoulders. No more worrying about scammers getting Moms money. (Oh yeah, big time) She doesn't need a phone in an AL. No more stopping by Moms apt every night after work to make sure she is OK and finding she did something wrong. ( this woman is a handful) Mom is now safe and SIL doesn't need to oversee her 24/7. My SIL is losing her hair from the stress. Told her to leave my brother home and come up for a week of girl time.
Your Mom will worsen as time goes on. She will need more help with bathing, toileting (for me the worst)and everyday ADLs. I congratulate those who can care for a LO through every stage of Dementia/ALZ. They sacrifice their health and their future. Some spending their retirements. But not all of us can or want to do this. And thats OK. You do what is good for you.
I look at it like this: You are not lessening the care for your Mother by moving her into a Memory Care NH, you will still be caring for her, being her advocate, being a loving visitor PLUS adding professional care 24/7. You will also be caring & promoting better health for yourself & your DH.
It will be MORE care for everyone.
I hope your mother has been paying you for her care since she moved in with you.
You’re not wrong. You’re exhausted. Best wishes to you and your husband.
I also live in the Washington DC burbs, and luckily we have many choices of senior facilities in the area. It doesn't hurt to have your Mom's name on numerous waiting lists. I know some places require a deposit to be on the list, but usually the deposit is refunded in full if you change your mind.
And I know it can be unnerving when family and friends make comments. I remember one time at work I was grumbling about driving my quite elderly parents all over hill and dale. I was a senior driving much older seniors. One co-worker said "don't forget your parents drove you when you were young". Yep, she was right, BUT my parents weren't in their late 60's when I was a child. Big difference.