My father, 97 is presently in a VA Hospice Hospital and wants to come home. Would I be doing him a disservice?

It is difficult when people requiring a lot of care want to go home. It seems to me to just not really be feasible. He is getting 24/7 care now. You just can not provide that level of care at home with the little bit of outside assistance you will be receiving.

One consideration is that you just have no way to know how long he will last. Days? Sure, you could handle that. Weeks? Maybe. Months? Absolutely not.

You do have to consider yourself and your needs first.

It’s so hard when emotions tug on our heartstrings. It really is. I feel like you have to do what is best for him medically. Don’t you? I don’t think that you would want to place yourself in situation where he needs medical help and you can’t provide it.

I know you want to satisfy his desires but is that what is truly best for him? I think you have to think about the reality of the real possibilities of serious harm to his wellbeing. That’s how I would feel and I would use that to determine my answer. In your dad’s case, I honestly feel that he needs more care than you can provide.

Yes, of course you would provide the best emotional support for him but I don’t think it would be possible to provide the intense medical support that he clearly needs. So, I would lean towards being practical and following your head instead of your heart.

Mrsbill, I feel bad for your father's and your situations.  I don't know if you would be doing him a disservice by bringing him home, but after reading what you wrote in July 2018, I think bringing him home might be very hard on you, which could turn out to be hard on him.  Most of my siblings weren't very helpful in providing my dad's care for his last five years but my wife was 100% supportive and helpful, as was one out-of-town sister and her husband.  I can't imagine how I could have provided Dad's care without at least that much support and help, which you won't have, so I guess I'm suggesting that it might be better for your dad to stay at the VA hospice facility, especially if you can visit him daily, presumably well-rested and energetic.  At home, with you providing almost all of his care, you may get too little sleep and run out of energy and patience -- I know I did after 3.5 years of 24/7 caregiving.

My dad died last March in his memory care assisted living facility.  My sister and I stayed with him constantly his last few days and likely your dad's VA hospice facility will allow you to stay with him as much as you can.

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.  This is a hard time with difficult decisions to make.