Detaching from toxic elderly parents?

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anonymous1028824 Asked March 2020

Detaching from toxic elderly parents?

My step father who always bullied me is now care taker for my Mom (in hospice at home) She always used me through out my life. I took care of them for last 20 mos. and my weight is up - BP up - migraines increased. He doesn't respect my boundaries with the cat in their house that I'm allergic to and the lifting weight restrictions due to my back surgery 5 years ago. I'm not wired to handle their daily emergencies and needs. He has started becoming more hostile and demanding as well. I keep having flash backs of him & her beating me & insulting me. 5 other siblings have stopped contact with them. I know a talk with him will not result in any change, I've tried. The Hospice social worker agreed detaching would be best for my health. Now these 2 parents are calling me 2-3x / day because I don't pick up. I've become depressed with this situation that I can not handle. Comments?

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score 1 · Answer 1

Agree with everyone here - time to stop this. Block the phone, start saying no. Its hard but they won't let up ever by the sounds.

Thats a classic line "doctor said you had to do this". Total rubbish. Dad has said that me. He even told the hospital last time he had an Op that I'd offered to move in for a week when he got home so he told me "doctor said you'll need to move in". Found out the truth when I spoke to the doctor.

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score 2 · Answer 2

There’s no valid reason to sacrifice your health for toxic users. And you really do know this. Please walk away. Don’t answer the calls. Surround yourself with positive people and things that bring goodness into your life, your health will return. No more excuses for them. I wish you the best

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score 2 · Answer 3

So, zki529, what are your thoughts after reading the comments on your post? Do you see yourself as following the advice to step away from all that you do for your mother and stepfather?

Or do you see yourself continuing on as you have been, despite the bad effects on your health (weight up, BP up, increased migraines)?

I bet you are someone who is conflict-avoidant, and find it very hard to stand up to people, especially people who have abused you in the past. Am I right?

Are you in contact with your siblings?

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score 2 · Answer 4

No way in hell her doctor told her that. She’s playing you. Try practicing in front of a mirror: “No, I can’t possibly do that.” Whatever it was. Don’t answer your phone. If you can’t cut all ties, tell them you’ll be available for their assistance on Tuesdays, or some such day, and he needs to plan accordingly. Running over there 2X a day and all over town to pick up crap? When it sounds like he still drives? No. Just no. Hospice said to distance yourself so treat that as Doctor’s Orders.

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score 3 · Answer 5

"You took care of you kids & now they have to take care of you". Nope, they did not take care of you. They beat and insulted you. That is not care. That's abuse. And now they are demanding things that you cannot do. Distance yourself and be well.

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score 3 · Answer 6

"my weight is up - BP up - migraines increased. He doesn't respect my boundaries with the cat in their house that I'm allergic to and the lifting weight restrictions due to my back surgery 5 years ago. I'm not wired to handle their daily emergencies and needs. He has started becoming more hostile and demanding as well."

" The Hospice social worker agreed detaching would be best for my health."

I am so gladl the hospice SW has told you to detach. Listen to him/her!!!

What is it that you are doing for your mother and stepfather? Are you there for hours each day? Are there other caregivers?

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Aide 2x/wk for an hr to shower her - RN 1x/wk to check in - I was going there daily - cooking- cleaning - caring for his car - shopping - picking up RXs - money mgt. escorting to MD appts - making medical appts. - talking with medical support. He will call me when's he's out to come & take my Mom to bathroom... shopping for RXs - multiple stores for this item & that item. I sometimes go 2x / day. If I try to take a break, they keep calling with their needs: Hey, where are you? Gimme .... I need... He has said of other siblings: They don't call, I won't contact them when Mom dies -- The same veiled threat is on me as well. Kinda like, you help or else. My Mom says her MD said to her: You took care of you kids & now they have to take care of you, like doctors orders......

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score 4 · Answer 7

If 5 other siblings have walked away, you should too. Don't answer the phone. Block the number so you don't even hear it ring. Take care of yourself. Breathe. Take your life back.

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score 4 · Answer 8

Step one: Feel comfort in knowing that you are not alone. We each have different stories but similar emotional baggage that often seems much too heavy to bear at times. That's why we turn to others as you have just done. Step two: Allow others to help shoulder that baggage. The SW has already confirmed what you know in your heart. Maybe she/he can point you in the direction of "first steps." Step three: block their calls, even if it's just temporary. It's not mean and it's not about their needs right now. It's about yours.

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Detaching from toxic elderly parents?

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