FIL now says he doesn't want to be with MIL. Any advice?

Once I took my mother out to lunch. It was supposed to be a “fun” thing; a way to spend time with her.

She was obsessed with her first love, whom she’d been engaged to when she was 19. Her parents put a stop to the relationship when she threatened to elope. The man went over seas and she never saw him again. She talked constantly about this man and even swooned over a local baseball player who she said resembled this man. Her love was named “Stone”, and she pathetically referred to this man as “Stone Clone”.

While we were at lunch, I could tell she was not “mentally present”. She kept talking about this first love. At one point, she said she wished she’d married this man instead of my father. I adored my father. He was a saint for tolerating my mother.

Im not going to say it didn’t hurt. I was devastated and was tempted to walk out of the restaurant and leave her there. But, I eventually considered the source. I put the comment Iin the vault and moved on.

My great-aunt once shocked me with the story of how she came to be married to her husband. Aunt Rose was the very definition of a "sweet old lady" who almost always had a smile, played her pump organ and hosted Sunday dinner every week for her 4 children and their families. Not at all the type of person I imagined would leave her groom at the alter after the rehearsal dinner and elope with her first love.

Her mother planned a full after wedding reception for 300 (not easy to pull off in 1910 Boone NC) and had borrowed crystal and china from all her friends and family. She been baking and prepping all week. An older sister had made the wedding cakes. Rose had dated Dillard for a few months but decided to break it off because her parents didn't approve (his family was tenant farmers and not land owners) and eventually agreed to marry Robert. Dillard had never really given up on Rose and after the rehearsal dinner got her to come out on the porch so they could talk. Rose left with Dillard and traveled to Beech Mountain where they were married the same day she was suppose to marry Robert. Rose's father was said to be so mad at her actions he wore the floorboards down pacing on the front porch and wouldn't allow Aunt Rose to visit his house for over 4 years. As she finished her story, I sat in a rocking chair across from Aunt Rose and Uncle Dillard and watched Uncle Dillard pull Aunt Rose close for a kiss and with a big smile on his face told me "I got my girl!" They had been married 76 years at that time.

"I don't want to be with your mother anymore" can be taken several different ways. He may not want to be with her because he realizes he's not right and doesn't want her to be dragged down caring for him. He may imagine he is going to one of his horror lockups and doesn't want her to visit him there. Many men of his era take the responsibility to "take care of" and be a wife's "shield" very seriously. My grandfather faced his coming death with total calm and only one regret: that he would be leaving his wife of 67 years behind in failing health and would not be able to make sure she was cared for as he wished.

Thanks to all for your stories. After talking to my wife tonight, she believes, and I sort of agree, that her father has has some mental illness issues for a long time... ones that were probably at least partially covered up by the lithium he has been on. Still, it seems likely that (in hindsight) there were some pretty severe issues with him and his wife (MIL) all along. It is interesting because he has always had the ability to "gaslight" her.. so she would always say everything was fine.

But my wife also says, 98% of their childhood was very good... he did provide for them, and really raised them all well.

So it is simply a measure of both the complexity of people, and the sorrow of the body outliving your mind.

First, make sure that your MIL is in a save environment! Second, do not take your FIL as being normal. With dementia, the person's personality changes. Take nothing he said at face value. Watch for abusive behavior and if present, separate the pair.
Third, try to separate our MIL and FIL with different activities. Your MIL will be safe and grateful!
Fourth, and this is most important, have patience with him. He's brain is not the same, as it once was. Do not let what he says, make you feel sad, hurt, guilty, angry, as he is not thinking properly.

It's very hard, but this is part of the process of dementia.

I wish you and yours, the best during this time!

You don’t have control over your FIL’s thoughts or spins. I’m sure your MIL is sad about his thoughts of her. I always find it useful to explain it this way. “It’s not your husband saying hurtful things to you. It’s DEMENTIA saying hurtful things to you.”

Just don't let your wife in a moment of weakness agree to take your FIL in!

What's the plan for your MIL? Will she be living alone? What are her health issues (at, what, 80+ years old, there must be some)?

Your poor wife. It is one of the burdens dementia drops on your foot - information about your parent's innermost thoughts (not to mention wild oats, possibly) that no child should ever have to hear.

You can't stick your fingers in your ears and go "la la la."

You can go into bright 'n' breezy mode and say "woah! - not the right person to talk to about this, Dad! Wait 'til Uncle Bob (or Rev Smith, or whoever) is here."

Assuming this is the *creation* of dementia and has no basis in reality is not quite safe, though. Of course we would like to think that our parents were model husbands and devoted wives and happy together.

They were also young people and consenting adults. They had their private lives. Who would want to hear the gory details? - but it is important for older people, with or without dementia, to be able to express themselves freely.

There may be something under the statement. My father does not want to live with my mother anymore and I don't blame him. You see, mom has always been abusive but it has grown worse with time. She constantly accuses my father of having an affair. He is wheelchair bound and does not get out. Even when he was with her 24/7, she would still make these accusations. He is just tired of the constant mental and emotional abuse.

Since he is on lithium, I strongly suspect that he is bipolar. His comments may be symptoms of feeling depressed or manic and not necessarily a reflection of their relationship. Please get VA assistance. There are VA residential facilities that he may qualify for.

My extremely conservative, very introverted preacher of a Father told all of us at Easter dinner one year that “I am going to divorce your Mother because she won’t have sexual relations with me anymore.” My Mother was 88 at the time and my Father was 82. We were stunned into silence. I finally told him that, after 50 years I thought she deserved a break, he wasn’t amused. Absolutely Dementia, not my Father. Same thing here!