For the past year, Mom’s been exhibiting signs of dementia. I was extremely concerned. I pushed and pushed for my father to take her to a doctor. After months of pushing and offering my help, he took her. She has since seen two neurologists, done several brain scans, had blood drawn, and taken the MOCA test. Both neurologist have recommended a psychologist. She has “good” days where she’s perfectly normal, but most days she repeats herself and (I feel pretends) to forget grandchild's name, won’t cook, won’t clean, and does mannerisms someone would expect of an Alzheimer’s person.
My gut tells me she’s faking. It’s so incredibly infuriating. Are the neurologists saying, without actually saying, that she’s faking it? Am I crazy? Should I treat this as an actual disease in case something is really wrong?
Ps. She’s always exhibited “needy” tendencies and issues with control. This only exacerbates my suspicions.
33 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
I discovered, after my mom stopped driving and I started taking her to doc appointments that my notes on what the doc had said were not what my mom "heard".
I'm 59, and my mom is 78. My mother is incredibly intelligent and has been diagnosed with major depression since the 1960's. I've spent a lifetime trying to figure out how much of her behavior is organic/physical versus just plain sociopathic/diabolical.
Don't waste any more years trying to figure her out. It's a no-win situation, since there's obviously something wrong with any person who would fake such symptoms. Munchhausen Disorder comes to mind; narcissistic personality disorder; borderline personality disorder, and just plain self-centeredness.
It's possible our mothers have a little sprinkling of all of the above, including memory loss. And yes, when a person with these mental issues actually has a little age-appropriate memory loss, they might exaggerate and use it to their advantage to get attention. In my case, I think mom has a little memory loss, and true to form, is milking it for all it's worth. I sense yours might be the same.
I am a big fan of Nancy Levin's book Setting Boundaries will Set You Free, and, although it may be unpopular to post on this forum, the book Divorcing a Parent by Beverly Engel. The second book doesn't mean you actually have to end your relationship with a parent, but the emotional gaslighting can be permanently stopped.
In my case, the quest to find out whether she was faking or not was exhausting and there was no relief at the end of that road. It sounds like you are doing right by her, that she has been tested and checked out. Please make sure to take care of yourself, even if your decision is unpopular with others. Nobody has walked a mile in your shoes on this one. All of our situations with our parents are unique. I support you 100% and say ALWAYS trust your intuition.
What??? That is no diagnosis, that is a brush off. Somebody needs to ask - what does that mean? If they feel she is faking then they need to say that too, no hedging! Why a psychologist? If mental illness was suspected then surely a psychiatrist would be more appropriate?
If she's failing cognitive tests then there is a reason for it and it needs to be addressed for her sake as well as yours, then a plan needs to be made that doesn't include you becoming her caregiver for the foreseeable future.
My oldest brother (now deceased) was involved in a horrific motorcycle accident. He should have died. I was the only relative present at the hospital immediately following the accident. His death was unrelated to the accident.
I knew how serious the injuries were because the doctor told me everything in detail, including that he nearly died during surgery. He also told me how the accident would effect his future health.
In spite of many obstacles in my brother’s life, he was tough but he still had many complications from the accident. My younger brother always accused him of faking his issues. I told my younger brother that he was fortunate to have a few good days and that it may appear that he is faking but that I absolutely knew that he wasn’t because I spoke directly to his doctor.
I took care of him after the accident. His bike was totaled so he needed transportation to and from his doctors.
He asked me to accompany him during his doctor visits while being examined because he was afraid of forgetting something the doctor had said and I could speak to him about the visit afterwards.
I think if you joined your mom for doctor appointments and testing it could be helpful to both of you. If your mom allows you to join her and have medical access then you get to hear the facts straight from the doctor.
Something is really wrong.
Either a) she is not faking, there is something seriously wrong.
Or b) she is faking, a person's choosing to imitate symptoms of advanced Alzheimer's Disease is quite an extreme way of acting out, and you would conclude that there is something seriously wrong.
What's your father's view? What sort of way forward is he hoping for?
How would you describe the impact your mother's behaviour is having on her and his life?
And what does your mother say about her own condition? If she believes she has Alzheimer's Disease, for example, how does she feel about that?