Driving and dementia, help!

God bless ya girl!
It's such a tough situation!
You know it's not your fault, however, in your husband's demented mind it is.
Keep in mind that he no longer lives on the same planet that you do. You can't reason with dementia!
It sounds like counseling might be in order.
Stay strong! His loss of driving privileges is a good thing.

Did the Drs. inform DMV?

Do you still have his car? If so, sell it. See if someone will allow you to store it at their house till it sells. Out of sight out of mind. If relatively new, maybe a car dealer will buy it. Take his license and his keys and hide them. Don't throw out. This is his identification. When you renew his card, you can change it over to an ID only.

Make sure your keys are never where he can get them.

The states need to make laws concerning those people suffering from Dementia which for now are not in place. It's not fair that family members have the burden of worrying about it and trying to take the keys away. In my opinion, they should be taken away as soon as a Dr. makes the diagnosis. It should be mandatory that the Dr. report his findings to the DMV. The only problem is, the DMV takes 2 or 3 months to get around to sending a letter. My Uncle was driving in an area he went to all the time. He couldn't find his way back. This was in another state.

What you need to do is make several copies of the letter that the DMV has probably sent your home. If the doctors stated he can't drive then they should be sending a statement to BMV. BMV then sends a letter. This has nothing to do with you it is all on the doctor and the BMV . Your husband might try and hide the letter so that's why I say to have several copies. This is exactly what happened with my mother. She even called the police and told them that I stole her car and her driver's license. I had to explain the situation to the police. Her car was still in the garage just disabled. Her driver's license was never missing she just misplaced it. Every time he yells at you pull out that letter and tell him you had nothing to do with it! Then change the subject to something positive.

Are you frightened or do you feel threatened by his anger? If so BE SURE you have access to a safety zone to get to if his conduct escalates.

Reading between your lines, it sounds as though he has lost judgement about other matters in your life together (Everything is my fault).

Be sure you are safe!

To clarify...the 2 doctors reported him to the DMV which then revoked his license? And you disagree with this assessment? And you are contacting lawyers to get his license reinstated? Are are you doing this just to appease him so that he will stop blaming you? 73 is pretty young to lose your driving privilege. I'm so sorry he's taking it out on you. My uncle should have had his taken away. He "had a senior moment" and went through a red light and was T-boned which killed his wife who survived ovarian cancer and major heart surgery at the Mayo. Luckily his victims weren't seriously hurt. I've taken away the licenses of 4 elders and it was the right thing to do at the right time. I totally understand how this impacts them socially and emotionally, but think of the impact on him and you should he injure himself or others.

Sorry for your very difficult situation. Why are you contacting lawyers?

I guess you have to try to let his anger and blame just roll off your back. Have a vague response that is not argumentative (not implying that you aren't doing that, just a suggestion in case you aren't already doing it). You know, the doctors know, that he can not be driving. OK, case closed on that one. Now you just have to manage how you react to his response.

How many years have you been taking care of him? If you're suffering from any amount of burn out, which I bet you are, please get yourself some time off. Get out for lunch, for a walk, a movie, game day with friends or family, something for YOU.

Caretakers need to take care of themselves too.

Best of luck.

I hope you are asking how to deal with his anger and not trying to get his license reinstated. You are actually lucky that he understands that he no longer has a license and cannot drive. You need to develop some strategies for deflecting his anger at you onto the DMV or the doctors. Keep telling him that it is the law in your state that keeps him from having a license, it is not a decision you made. He feels he has to blame someone because he can't admit and accept his limitations. When he blames you realize that you are not at fault and that his anger is really at the situation and not you personally. And be thankful that he is no longer driving and that system worked how it is supposed to. Many of us have had to take our parent's or spouse's license and car away from them when the doctors and DMV wouldn't.