Mom is 90, and in relatively good health, acc to YB with whom she lives. She has to use a walker 100% of the time, she sleeps much of each day and has 2 days a week she 'goes'--to Bingo at the Sr Center and one day to the grocery store and a few small errands. Moving around has become so hard for her, she no longer goes to church or anywhere else, ever.
She's ALWAYS been a bit 'batty' and so her declines have always just seemed to be part of her natural personality.
HOWEVER...she has become meaner (no filter whatsoever) and says just what she wants, to whomever is there.
She seems incapable of having a 'normal' conversation, and whatever she is thinking, just falls out of her mouth.
I am recovering from cancer and while she did not acknowledge this, not even a phone call in the 6+ months of chemo--and when I was over the chemo I made a short visit to see her (it had been 9 months of no contact). I had almost no hair, and I looked sick--so what does she say to me? "Oh, you used to be my prettiest child!" WTH?
I actually laughed at that--considering what I had been through, all she could see was the bald, sick woman sitting in front of her. Who BEAT cancer. I think she was actually disappointed.
We cut her a LOT of slack as far as rude, hurtful statements to us--but we don't allow her to bash others. She can be very, very biting.
Her brother died 6 weeks ago. His widow (whom my mother HATES with a mad passion) tried and tried to call mother, gave up and after dealing with all the post-death issues, she wrote mom a short letter. Mom completely blew up and called all us kids. I was the one closest to her home, so I went up to read this letter. It was a perfectly polite and simple letter, telling mom and her sister about Uncle D's last couple of years and how sick he had been--mother didn't even KNOW Uncle D had Parkinson's. As much as she would cry and moan that her brother was her one love and how she adored him--on and on--she had not spoken to him for over 2 years. She wanted me to type up a letter to D's widow and 'tell her off'...and I refused and told her it was inappropriate and I wouldn't help her. My aunt is 92--but to mother, she's still a 21 yo siren who 'lured' her precious brother into marriage.
Mom stated that L had NEVER called her and I asked for her phone so I could look through the call log. She said no. I'm POSITIVE my aunt called her, mother simply never answers her phone.
Mother refused to take ANY responsibility for the lack of communication. She can NEVER take responsibility and say 'I'm sorry'.
After about 30 minutes, she was melted down and started talking just crazy--sentences weren't making any sense and she began blaming me for not getting information to her--and I knew it was time to leave.
I talked to YB, with whom she lives. I asked if he felt she was exhibiting dementia signs and he said yes, she couldn't follow conversations, etc., was inappropriate in a lot of circumstances and was refusing to bathe, letting her cath bag overflow all over her recliner, but not allowing him to clean it. Forgets things-- cannot remember a phone number, or a conversation you had 20 minutes ago. Poor decision making. Forgetting more than she remembers.
So--is there any point in having her tested? She had to quit driving 5 years ago, thankfully. She can do her daily routine with someone kind of guiding her and prodding her.
Other than being able to say "she has dementia' when she says cutting and hurtful things--what would be the point in 'knowing' her baseline at this point? YB swears he never, ever will have her placed, he will care for her forever.....but HIS health is not good and SIL doesn't do for mom, nor do we expect her to.
So--is there any point in having her tested? She'd fail, I'm sure. I just wonder if this is a beginning point to possibly having to move her to some kind of Memory Care Facility in the future.
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I DO take what she says 'personally' since this is ALWAYS how she has treated me. A 'zinger' that hurts, then maybe later she'll say 'but you know that I do love you?' Well, not so much mom. B/C she has ALWAYS been quite narcissistic, we grew up with that. And her slide into 'dementia', if that's what happening, is not really noticeable to anyone who has not known her long. I've only seen her 3 times in the past year and spoken to her on the phone once. I can definitely set boundaries! ( she lives 2 miles away)
The fact she called ALL of the sibs and only I responded by actually going to her house is telling. The others all begged off and said they'd maybe come up on the weekend. I emailed all of them to tell them about the letter and to let them know I was going to send a basket of flowers & plants to Aunt L. from the 5 of us. (NOT from mom. I felt her anger was displaced and if she wants to acknowledge her brother's passing, she can get another member of the family to make that happen.) ALL 4 of them responded with the same basic message 'thanks for taking the bullet'.
It is what it is. I will maybe speak to YB about having an eval done, just for the sake of us kids feeling OK about what she says to us--and not taking it personally. She does have all her stuff in order, so no worries there. She isn't 'with it' enough to change anything, as it would require a lawyer and 2 witnesses, and frankly, she has no money and nothing of value, so if she 'cut me out of the will' my life would go on just fine and dandy.
JoAnn--that is a brilliant plan. Most of my sadness from yesterday was not over the way mother treats me, but the fact that my aunt was all alone and trying to get all the things done that need to be done. She's 92 herself--a sharp and spirited 92..and she will be OK. But aside from the flowers and a small card that was attached, a lot of information wasn't passed to her. It would possibly help to let Aunt L know that mom isn't hitting on all cylinders. My email was 'attached' to the plant basket and I could see Aunt L reaching out to me--well, she also has my address and she may send a card. I'll give it a minute before I do anything else.
If Dementia is diagnosed then u know where to go to from there. There are meds that may help. There will be a progression. You can chalk her behaviour up as the Dementia. Or, your Mom has always had a mental illness/personality disorder and with getting older has worsened. Just be aware that with either, your brother may not be able to care for her indefinitely and decisions will have to be made.
I think it would be nice if you wrote a letter to your Aunt thanking her for the nice note to Mom. That you apologize that she has not responded to the letter or her calls. Explain that you know Mom has never been easy to get along with, but you and brother feel there now maybe some dementia involved.
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But, unusually for me, I'm not sure I would bother with having mother assessed, not unless... actually, I can't even think unless what. Should the day dawn when YB in spite of his best efforts can't manage, and mother does have to be placed, that will be soon enough for an assessment.
Meanwhile, refuse to feel responsible for anything that comes out of her mouth, but you don't actually have to make excuses for her. If she says hurtful things, they're still hurtful. They're no less hurtful because her filters are missing. It's a variation on the theme of "it's okay not to be okay." Accepting somebody's right to be herself includes accepting that Herself may not always be terribly pleasant or attractive.
I personally feel like knowledge about her health is a good thing because you will have answers or a possible reason to her behavior rather than guessing at why is she behaving as she is.
She has said hurtful things to you. It hurts. At least you would know if something like dementia is behind her actions.
If there is no dementia then it’s part of who she is. It’s so hard to know about personality disorders. Has she ever seen a neurologist or a psychiatrist in the past?
Without a diagnosis you can’t be sure if meds would be appropriate for her or not. She would have to agree to seeing specialists.
It also may matter if she's assigned a PoA, made a heath care directive and created a will. Anything she does after a dementia diagnosis can be contested. Etc. If you trust your YB and any other siblings to peaceably allot her earthly possessions after she passes (without a will) any claims about her mental condition will be unprovable. I'm glad your mom has a loving family to care for her. I'm sorry you have to be at the receiving end of her broken behavior. May you have peace in your heart through this journey.
It is a cluster mess with her and her "devoted" son. You should read some of the mess.