How can I be understanding when my husband does not trust me?
Tonight I lost it with my husband , I yelled at him. Now I am crying and feeling so guilty! He doesn’t deserve to be yelled at. Sometimes I can not control my temper.
This is what I did when I got angry. Early on when it was "safe" to leave him home I wold get in the car and drive. Later on I would go outside and work a bit in the yard, coming in to check on him a few times. OR I would leave the room. It gave me space and a few minutes to calm myself. I recall one time it was getting frustrating he wanted to "help" in the kitchen, he actually wanted to eat dinner but it was not ready and he was in the way of my working. I asked him to sit, I would get him something to drink and a "snack" and he refused to move. (at that time he was using a HUGE walker and he was over 6 foot and well over 250) I just started to laugh, and laugh then he started to laugh and I was able to get him to sit so I could finish. I think the laughter was so unexpected that it took him by surprise and he forgot what he wanted to do. So bottom line...try laughing at the situation. You have to admit some of the stuff "we" and "they" get focused on is funny. Not just that but a good laugh feels good and you get the bonus of positive endorphins bombarding you. Oh there were times I yelled then cried. I cried as I apologized and hoped that he would somehow understand the apology and the tears. Forgive yourself. I am sure he would understand. And I am sure you did not "loose" it out of anger but frustration. A facilitator gave the group a paper with some statistics on it and I know I am not going to get the numbers correct but it does not matter for this. It was something like this. 75% of caregivers admit that they have gotten angry at the person they are caring for and that it is normal to feel that way. My comment to the group was Yeah 75% admit that they have been angry and 25% lied for the survey. No one can say that they have not lost their temper when caring for someone. It is human nature to express emotion and anger and frustration are emotions. The breaking point is when or if that anger and frustration becomes abuse either verbal or physical. That is not acceptable and some people need help in voicing and controlling the anger and frustration.
Well, I didn't get angry with my father, who was most cooperative and reasonable--but I've more than made up for by getting frustrated with my mother's constant open-ended questions! Fortunately, she probably forgets most of it, and when I've apologized (usually the next time I see her, she accepts it). There are times when she's said "someday YOU'LL get old" and at times I've answered "I hope not!".
You are human. My husband's grandmother had severe Alzheimer's and was violent. Caregivers quit mid-shift. My MIL would not put her mother in a nursing home, and memory care didn't exist back then. My husband remembers it being a difficult time for all of them.
Caring for your husband must be so very difficult. Try to step back and see the bigger picture, which is that you are burning yourself out and his needs are only going to increase. Reaching out for help - including on this forum - is a good first step toward figuring things out and regaining control.
Please know that you are allowed to take time for yourself. You are allowed to care for yourself. You are allowed to tend to your own needs. You are allowed to prioritize your husband's needs after meeting your own needs. You are allowed to be a flawed human being. You are allowed to get yourself help in caring for your husband. You are allowed to be selfish. You are allowed to preserve your own sanity. You are allowed to refocus and change things so that caregiving works for you. You are allowed to decide that you no longer can care for Gene at home.
You are carrying a very heavy cross Kitty as Caring for Your Husband Who suffers from alzheimer's can be very trying, but do not beat yourself up over this one incident rather try instead to accept that it is alzheimer's You are angry with. The Husband Who You knew and shared so much of your Life with and loved is gone. While you can see your Husband in the flesh, alzheimer's takes the mind.
You are not alone in losing it with a loved one. It can be a sign that you are burnt out and need help in caring for him. If he is 86, how old are you?
Your husband does not deserve to be yelled at and you should not have to provide 24/7 care.
There may come a time when you no longer have the capacity to look after him at home.
Caregiving is very hard, and it is very stressful. Sometimes you just have to leave the room for a few minutes and regroup. I had to do that multiple times with my mom. Try it. It really helps. When you feel you are about to "lose it" leave the room for a few minutes and regroup your thoughts.
You will need social support. Friends, family. Burnout and enormous stress is very real. Someone you can trust to watch your loved one for a while as well.
Don't feel guilty--you are human. Not Jesus walking on water. Forgive yourself and think of the multiple times you are with them. My mom was very hard to care for but everyday I appreciated the fact she was still with me. When mom died 5 months ago I never stopped crying and miss her everyday. I feel very empty without her. But I won't have to worry about her either and people do die. that's what people are supposed to do. It's natural.
From one caregiver to another.I will be honest with you.There will be times when you will be pushed to your limit.A natural reaction is to respond ,and it's not always the way you intended.I agree it is best to walk away and regroup but for those other times.
Don't beat yourself up instead say. I am human and I make mistakes I will do better.Apologize and explain the best you can what happened.Get some help as well because your deserve a break for your mental and physical well being.
First of all, be mindful of the fact that you're only human. Apologize to your husband and forgive yourself. What is triggering your outbursts? Is it stress or a symptom of depression? I would suggest visiting your physician and have them screen you for depression. As difficult as this may be, it is important to take time for yourself to do activities you enjoy for stress reduction. If depression is the cause, medication and counseling may be in order. Communicating your needs and frustrations in a kind, loving manner is important and prevents issues from building up. All in all, in order to be a good caregiver, you need to care for yourself. Take good care.
The same thing happens to me. Last night my husband was sitting on the couch with cookies and kept feeding them to the dogs. After the cookies he was sharing his milk with them. I couldn’t get him to stop and finally yelled. Like you I felt bad and got him another cookie and made him promise not to feed it to the dogs😂 he is 80 and I am 77. I’m sure I will go crazy😃!!! comic relief makes things better. Some times I dance for him he loves it
i do the same, I am quite sure that there are a lot of us that do the same also. We are in a very difficult situation, and after a long day of repeated questions and answers about the same thing (at least in our situation) you loose your temper and patience. I try to comfort myself with that I don't think my hubby remembers that I lost it, and try to do better. My hubby also feeds the dog all kind of things, the dog is happy but it is not good for him, you can't be watching all the time.. give yourself a break from guilt..
We have all been there This is a sign of burnout. Quite a few years ago taking care of my mother I left the room for one minute to get supplies , she was on the commode next to the bed. I was caregiving alone at the time and when I came back she had feces everywhere hands nails etc. I think it was in the middle of the night. I told her she was going to go to Shady Rest if she continues to do that. Guilty, Guilty, and more Guilt. I still to this day feel bad. Got wiser,and if frustrated I leave the room. I now never leave her alone on the commode or wheelchair for safety purposes. This works for me. I get away from the situation for a good 10 minutes or more and this helps me gain control of my feelings in a positive way. If you still feel frustrated and are yelling at him frequently I would try to distance yourself, say a prayer, take a walk, have a cup of tea, listen to some upbeat music. You need to do this or you will break. You may need to make some important decisions in the near future about getting some help in your home. I told myself if I ever lost control of my emotions and started to yell at my dear mom I would find other means for her care. This would kill me but I know I would be thinking of her best interest. This is the toughest job I ever had and it is stressful no doubt. I pray every night with my mom for God to help me do the very best for my mother. Please take care of yourself. Wishing you and your husband many blessings and peace along this caregiving journey.
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Early on when it was "safe" to leave him home I wold get in the car and drive.
Later on I would go outside and work a bit in the yard, coming in to check on him a few times. OR I would leave the room. It gave me space and a few minutes to calm myself. I recall one time it was getting frustrating he wanted to "help" in the kitchen, he actually wanted to eat dinner but it was not ready and he was in the way of my working. I asked him to sit, I would get him something to drink and a "snack" and he refused to move. (at that time he was using a HUGE walker and he was over 6 foot and well over 250) I just started to laugh, and laugh then he started to laugh and I was able to get him to sit so I could finish. I think the laughter was so unexpected that it took him by surprise and he forgot what he wanted to do. So bottom line...try laughing at the situation. You have to admit some of the stuff "we" and "they" get focused on is funny. Not just that but a good laugh feels good and you get the bonus of positive endorphins bombarding you.
Oh there were times I yelled then cried. I cried as I apologized and hoped that he would somehow understand the apology and the tears.
Forgive yourself. I am sure he would understand. And I am sure you did not "loose" it out of anger but frustration.
A facilitator gave the group a paper with some statistics on it and I know I am not going to get the numbers correct but it does not matter for this. It was something like this. 75% of caregivers admit that they have gotten angry at the person they are caring for and that it is normal to feel that way. My comment to the group was Yeah 75% admit that they have been angry and 25% lied for the survey. No one can say that they have not lost their temper when caring for someone. It is human nature to express emotion and anger and frustration are emotions.
The breaking point is when or if that anger and frustration becomes abuse either verbal or physical. That is not acceptable and some people need help in voicing and controlling the anger and frustration.
Caring for your husband must be so very difficult. Try to step back and see the bigger picture, which is that you are burning yourself out and his needs are only going to increase. Reaching out for help - including on this forum - is a good first step toward figuring things out and regaining control.
Please know that you are allowed to take time for yourself.
You are allowed to care for yourself.
You are allowed to tend to your own needs.
You are allowed to prioritize your husband's needs after meeting your own needs.
You are allowed to be a flawed human being.
You are allowed to get yourself help in caring for your husband.
You are allowed to be selfish.
You are allowed to preserve your own sanity.
You are allowed to refocus and change things so that caregiving works for you.
You are allowed to decide that you no longer can care for Gene at home.
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Your husband does not deserve to be yelled at and you should not have to provide 24/7 care.
There may come a time when you no longer have the capacity to look after him at home.
You will need social support. Friends, family. Burnout and enormous stress is very real. Someone you can trust to watch your loved one for a while as well.
Don't feel guilty--you are human. Not Jesus walking on water. Forgive yourself and think of the multiple times you are with them. My mom was very hard to care for but everyday I appreciated the fact she was still with me. When mom died 5 months ago I never stopped crying and miss her everyday. I feel very empty without her. But I won't have to worry about her either and people do die. that's what people are supposed to do. It's natural.
Don't beat yourself up instead say.
I am human and I make mistakes
I will do better.Apologize and explain the best you can what happened.Get some help as well because your deserve a break for your mental and physical well being.
he is 80 and I am 77. I’m sure I will go crazy😃!!!
comic relief makes things better. Some times I dance for him he loves it
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