How to find the right aide and what to expect from them during down time and meals?

I think you need a new agency.  IME, some have 4 hour minimum shifts, some have 3 hour minimums.  I have dealt with two agencies (we moved mom).   One did suggest we try a few, other said they had a great person for us (they did).

Both agencies did not allow aids to eat our food, they bring their own.   Both agencies asked us to work with us on care plan, that included things that could be done while mom asleep (empty commode, clean it).

I'd say it's fine to ask the agency for a different aide until you get the right one.  However, try to enhance the communication with the one you have before you jump to the next - unless it's inexcusably bad.   Every time you start over with a new person, it will be a different story.    In one situation, an aide was hired for night shift for a chronically ill person with waking/sleeping issues.  Aide expected she herself would be able to sleep while on that shift because she had been busy with her family all day.  Bad fit that would be difficult to resolve.   Aide needed to be awake to address issues as needed.    Regarding the food, I'd say aide brings his/her own food.    Many people have dietary issues & it's better if they don't eat other people's food.  Other people will raid your fridge every time they come because they will not understand the boundary.

Woah woah - not TOO prescriptive!

Bear in mind that everything you schedule for the aides you are also scheduling for your mother and father. On a lazy day your parents may decline to co-operate, the aide is left with nothing to do, and the aide gets bored as well as frustrated.

How we start out is by going through our clients' usual routine. What time do you normally like to get up? Do you wash and dress first, or have breakfast in your dressing gown? How about meds, would you like our support with those? What sort of thing do you like to do in the mornings?

And so on and so on.

Once you have your outline schedule, then you look at:

what the person prefers and is able to do for himself
what the person needs some support with
what the person needs done for him
any risks or concerns about, e.g. moving and handling, medications management, household hazards (broken steps, dodgy locks, blocked drains, arthritic dogs whose fur is a perfect match for the living carpet)

The result varies enormously, of course. I have scratched my head over "no goals to be achieved at this time," and at the other extreme felt my eyebrows shoot up as I look at a couple of dozen tasks and think "this is going to be a busy old half hour!"

That 12-hour shift is troubling me. Do the aides have to travel far to get to you, or something? If they're on the premises for 12 hours at a stretch, they must have proper breaks, somewhere to take them, and at least a microwave, kettle and fridge, rudimentary equipment, and hot drinks/fresh water.

One other quick point - how they handle your father. It may be more difficult to offer help than you realise. Last Thursday I folded a bath towel, unthinkingly, and my client snapped: "I WISH you wouldn't do that!" People tinkering with her things gets on her nerves, and - I'm not being ironic -I shouldn't have folded her towel. I apologised, blamed force of habit, and attempted to drape it back as she'd left it. I can only hope she didn't think I was mocking her as I did so.

So, anyway, until your father is satisfied that these people are more of a help than a hindrance (or God forbid a danger to your mother), he is likely to be tense when he sees them using their initiative, and fuming about their pointlessness when he doesn't. Solution: the aides should *ask* him, and he should *show* them, what he'd like done and how.

I think the issue might be that you have not established what your expectations are.

i am a big believer in making a fairly detailed daily plan. From arrival to departure, what you expect. Such as...strip the bed and get it washed/dried and back on the bed by 11 am. Clean the bathroom after morning use. Make breakfast, and observe Mom taking her pills. Play a game of mOms choice. And so on. Have a book that the caregiver writes in each day...what happened, what didn't happen, etc.

Adding on to what Countrymouse has said -
Although some people are very self motivated I think the vast majority are less so, having a detailed list of duties that must be ticked off every shift can go a long way to ensuring that your expectations are met.

Okay - what's in the care plan?

If your answer is "what care plan?" then that agency wants taking out and giving a good slap.