My father was admitted to an ALF on Tuesday 3/11. We have spoken every day and yesterday, Sunday 3/15, was the first day he sounded like himself from one minute to the next. Today he asked again why he was there, and for how long: he does not know this is the new normal, that this is permanent, a home, not a hospital. How do I tell him? Bluntly? "Dad, you're in an assisted living facility because your memory issues made it dangerous for you to live on your own. This is long-term. You will not return to your house." Our only communication is by telephone, because of geographical distance.
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Then again, “blunt” can certainly mean different things to different people.
If he has memory issues severe enough to warrant residential care, is there an advantage to him in telling him he’s there for the duration, and will never leave? My LO’s other POA did that several days after she was placed, for her own safety, in a pleasant MC in very well run local AL.
According to reports (I wasn’t present, and wouldn’t have permitted the conversation to continue if I had been), my LO was significantly distressed, and cried after the statement was made.
By the time I saw her, the comment had seemingly disappeared. Was there a good reason to make her cry? Was there any benefit to have conveyed the knowledge? Did it most likely bother me for the long haul more than it bothered her? Sure did!
She worked like a pack mule her whole life, took care of her mother, who had dementia, for 10 years, was a good friend and ally, cherished her family, only to wind up losing her home, where she’d been born, to spend the rest of her life in a strange place?
Would you prefer “I don’t really know how long you’ll be there Dad. How’s the food (view, television, crowd, weather)”? OR- “You’ll be there until you die, Dad. We sold your house to pay for your room and board”.
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I found that it was easier to tell my mom " until then doctor says...." or "you've had a stroke, you need to be here right now" (that came as a surprise to her every single time I told her.)
Nothing is going to "stick" so say what you feel okay saying and that doesnt upset him too much.