Mom is on Coronavirus lockdown in assisted living. Any advice?

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Twillie Asked March 2020

Mom is on Coronavirus lockdown in assisted living. Any advice?

I haven’t posted in a while cause my mom went to assisted living (she’s still in a temporary room her furniture has not been moved in). I found out that facility had failed to monitor her glucose and did not give Humalog with meals for about 6 weeks. I quickly got mom seen by her endocrinologist who wrote orders and to my knowledge facility is following them. Mom had to spend a couple nights with me in my home cause her doctor is in my area. When I got mom back to facility I learned that my sister in law had instructed them to file a police report against me due to miscommunication on the Director’s part about mom returning. My brother and his wife are slandering me to the health care providers. There is nothing I can do. My heart is broken. I may never see my mother again. But I can’t put myself in jeopardy with this vindictive over zealous control freak family of mine. I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

Assisted Living Coronavirus Mom Relationships

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score 2 · Answer 1

What sort of support or advice is your therapist giving you, TW? Is s/he telling "it's up to you to decide " or is s/he one of those folks who simple sits in silence?

Stigma? From whom? I would not put up with BS like this from any human on the planet.

You can love your mother and not tolerate her bad behavior. You can send nice cards, cat videos and boxes of candy. You do not owe her your life.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Yes I was honest - the Director was completely aware. When I returned mom to the facility I was confronted and verbally attacked by the CNA’s. They were in my face. My mother did defend me and threatened walking out of there. Then later in a telephone call with Director she lied to me. The situation with my brother and SIL is hostile and now that extends to care facility as well. I won’t place myself in a position to be harmed.

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score 1 · Answer 3

TWillie, I went back an re-read all of your previous posts and answers.

It seems, based on your past posts, that your mother agrees with whomever is in the room and slanders each of you to the other.

This is what happens in dysfunctional families. There is no cure other than to let time heal these wounds after mom's passing.

That may or may not be possible, but I don't see any chance for an honest conversation right now if mom continues to stir the pot (which she may not realize she is doing).

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No mom doesn’t slander them. I am her scapegoat always have been. In 2008 when my dad was dx with cancer it got really bad. Whole family accused me of “not doing anything for Daddy” all while my own son was getting chemo/radiation and having surgery for his colorectal cancer. When dad died 6 months later, lo and behold Dad had changed his beneficiary (without my mother’s knowledge nor mine for that matter) on a small insurance policy and I received a check for $11k. They mom, brothers, SIL bullied me to give the money to mom. I did not. They were hell bent on destroying me and they almost have. They managed to turn my husband against me and when I could take no more I left him. He retaliated by killing himself. My son died less than two years later from his cancer. That didn’t change things with the brothers- no compassion for me. My mom is decent to me now but still hung up on the $$$ she thinks I owe her. I’ve used the funds to cushion the blow for the time I didn’t get to work due to taking care of her, buying necessities and gas for my tank for the 75 mi RT visits to her house since my dad died in 2009.

In summary they don’t trust me. And I certainly don’t trust them given the bullying and emotional abuse they have heaped on me. I’ve talked about this in therapy and don’t get any clear support whether to just go completely NO contact with my mother so as to end this. People who are estranged from their mothers face a lot of stigma.

I feel like an unloved daughter. I will always be their (brothers) scapegoat -they learned it from mom.
But I still can’t help loving her.

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score 3 · Answer 4

You can write a letter and send it return receipt requested to the director of the Assisted Living facility with documentation from the endocrinologist about mom's appointment in your area. You can include that you are being unfairly cast as a villain because of the director's communication with your SIL. (I trust that you were honest with the facility when you took mom out for this appointment. If not, then accept the consequences and be done with it.)

If MOM wants you on the contact list, it should be easy to get that done. Unless of course what is actually happening is that mom is telling everyone a different story and stirring the pot, inadvertently or not.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Siblings! Complications with parents at times also. Many of us have had complicated relationships or have chosen to go no contact with our siblings and parents.

I am so very sorry for the challenges you are dealing with. Sometimes it can be worked out. Sometimes not.

I don’t know the answer to this. I do want to offer support and sincerely hope that this will be resolved peacefully.

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Mom is on Coronavirus lockdown in assisted living. Any advice?

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