Why am I here?

It’s a question only you can answer. Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) perhaps? Fear of leaving and the moving into the unknown?Obligation of marriage and in sickness and health? Guilt of leaving the both of them to fend for themselves? Talk to your wife about how you feel. If there is any hope for your marriage she must be open and receptive to talking and making changes. Talk to a counselor to help you sort out the answers to your question.

I agree with you. Living like that is much worse than a divorce. Your wife has made her decision. I must assume you have spoken with her about your feelings, and about the option you are weighing. I think it is time you consider moving to your own place, and being of some support from there if able or inclined.

Hawkins72, I have that same question for myself. I have 3 siblings (2 live in town and visit Mom. Brother lives in TN works for SW airlines, he could fly to visit). After 5 yrs of keeping me out of the circle of trust, 'they' decide that I should have been the one taking care of Mom, I live in TX I love our Mother with all my heart and will do anything for her.
She's in assisted living, a wonderful place back home. Do I get any help financially for her? A resounding NO! Just went to Court to get an asset protection divorce for Mom, Ugly step-spawn of the devil walked away with, all together, half of Mom's inheritance, over $100.000.00 of community debt daddy owed. All of this money was Mom's sole/separate. Last night I was filing all of my 3 yrs of compiling my research & proof of the $$ she stole. I had to forgive the community debt, 75% of an investment (Mom's money)and I just found out of all the insane, not properly index, mixed up bank statements, she took another $20.000.00 from some other source I can't find because she didn't provide the Court requested documents to my attorney or me.
I have asked myself why me, asked my therapist why me, and I asked Mom's Chaplin, why me and where was God when I needed him to help protect my Mother.
3 years I've been fighting the battle and lost the war to 4 step-spawn of the devil who will look you straight in the eye and be pious liars by telling everyone they are Christians
I told the Chaplin I was raised by a Pentecostal Mother whose Grandmother was a preacher and several family members are ministers, but I do believe in God and 'claiming' you are while you're stealing a woman's hard-earned money all because Daddy didn't have 2 nickles to rub together and you all grew up in a single wide mobile home out in the middle of BFE NM. BTW, Mom took her money out of her investments and repairs done, added on to it so it looked like a home. The effing floor was ready to fall out!!
So why am I here? I was appointed by the Court to protect Mom and the Courts AND the laws failed me and the step-spawn of the devil is laughing her way to the bank!
Give your wife an ultimate, stick to it and let her take care of her Father. Let her use her inheritance it's still daddy's money. BTW, just because you're a family member doesn't entitle you to diddly squat.
Your wedding vows never mentioned anything about your being Cinderella to her ugly step-mother routine.

I would be asking - if she is putting me in this spot so she can get inheritance, then what if she leaves me once she gets her money? You definitely need to be getting paid for your work and I think you need to be in your home so you can have some me time. You could work out an agreement where you would work for just a number of hours and get a home care worker to come in for the rest. Guess your wife could be there at night? I'm not sure whether your wife is working long hours or what the situation is, but totally not fair for her to put YOUR life on the line for HER money.

Hawkins72, good heavens, why on earth was Dad-In-Law removed from the Nursing Home? Usually when one is there, that means it now takes a village to take care of them. Ah, inheritance comes into play.

Your wife needs a wake-up call if she believes she can take care of her father being a senior or almost a senior herself. You might want to let her know that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Not good odds. Now what?

Also, family caregivers will develop new health issues being 24/7 caregiver for a parent or other family members. I wasn't even hands-on, and I developed cancer caused by the stress which changed everything for me. My bucket-list is down to a thimble list. Wonder if your wife would think her inheritance worth that risk?

Yes, you're being too nice.

Is there a marital home you left that you can move back to?  If yes, get packing and move back.  You can just say 'it's on you now, hon; I need a break from both of you.'  If not, then find and move to your own place and separate.  That would give you respite from doing it all, and time to regroup, recharge, and think about what you want to do.

Financially, there are considerations, so speak to an attorney before you jump off.

A couple of questions.

If you are preparing his meals, why does he eat better than you?

Have you thought about a caregiver contract that pays you for your time?

Have you ever stopped doing what you do to show her what you doing nothing looks like?

You already know what she is if she is willing to sacrifice her dads wellbeing and yours so she can get some inheritance.

Can you survive if you left?

If you are not a contracted caregiver, she is the next of kin and she in the responsible party. You would need to contact Adult Protective Services if you leave and report a vulnerable senior.

Have you ever asked her what she sees happening if you leave? She may be so stuck in her money grubbing that she hasn't really thought about the consequences.

If you stay, make sure that you see change or you know she is only condescending to you to ensure her inheritance and speaking as a woman, that tells me she will drop you like a hot potato when she has the money she is after. Sorry, but women will walk on a man if they are allowed to.

We have a number of posts where its the DIL taking care of an inlaw and the son just sits around and does nothing.

There is a post going now where the man is in a similar position.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-father-in-law-moved-in-with-us-my-wife-is-ill-our-marriage-is-struggling-help-457514.htm

Maybe the answers will help you. My opinion, ur wife is selfish. You may want to tell her Dad needs more care than ur able to give him. You have no life caring for "her" Dad. That she needs to take on some responsibility here. If she starts yelling, let her. Then say if she is not willing to care for her Dad then he needs to go back to the NH. If she refuses, then say that then you will have to leave because you are no longer going to be her slave. This is not an ultimatum this is a fact. But before that, see a lawyer to see what your obligations are to her.

I think you should go back to your house. Divorce may or may not happen when you make that move. Perhaps offer to take care of father in law 2 days a week or 2 hours a day and get home care the other days. Take care of yourself and see what moves your wife makes from knowing you are serious about attending to needs of your own.

This isn’t about being nice. Questions for you to ask yourself-
Is there any love left in this marriage? Is the marriage worth saving? Would your wife be willing to go to counseling with you? Is her father getting the care he needs? Is bringing in hired helpers for him a realistic idea? Is your resentment of the situation affecting your caregiving? None of that is asked in judgment, knowing I have compassion for what’s being asked of you and that only you can decide how to proceed

Of course the middle of a pandemic isn't the best time to make any life altering decisions but I can't see any reason for you to not make some realistic plans on how you can go about stepping away from this situation, I know that when women post to the forum with very similar problems they are usually advised to stop being a doormat and to run for the hills....