How do you learn to balance your own life and taking care of a controlling parent?

Almost a year ago my husband told me to stop seeing and doing for my mom so much, that she was just running me ragged, too. She was; I just hadn't stopped long enough to really see it, so you're a step ahead. I set some boundaries, and after a few gripes, mom functions quite well these days with her paid helpers. I show up once a week, NOT having gone to 5 stores to get her what she wants, only bringing her a blizzard from Dairy Queen, or something, and we visit - just visit. Way better. If she gets to calling too many times in a day, I put the phone off the hook; she assumes I'm taking a nap, so it's ok. There are many ways to set up a win - the funny thing is that SHE taught me that concept!

I’m glad you reached out. Sounds like your mom has trained you to her liking, now you’ll have to adjust her to your home. The relentless phone calls have to stop, you’re not her slave or entertainer. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has been a tremendous help to me, I recommend you read it and learn to set real boundaries in your life. This will only get worse if you don’t commit to making it different. I wish you the best in making changes

Boundries should have been set then, its hard when its a parent. But..its been only a year. So start with that. "Mom its been a year now that you have been with us. An adjustment for all of us. I find though to continue with this living together we have to discuss some changes. I work a Full time job that doesn't leave me much energy at the end of the day. The first thing we have to work on is the number of phone calls a day. This can't go on. It interrupts me doing my job. If there is something you think of you need, write it down. Or call my cell and leave a VM. Before I leave work I will call you to see if u need anything. I will call you after my lunch break to check on you."

Then its running you ragged. If by semi-invalid she is in a wheelchair, she can still do for herself. A member a few weeks back said she was told "its not enabling, its disabling" someone when u do things for them that they can do for themselves. You may have to rearrange your kitchen to be on her level. Moving things down from the upper cabinets to the lower cabinets that she uses regularly. Same with the frig. No, she may not be able to wash her clothes if its a top loader or put in the dryer but she is capable of folding them and putting them away.

Make a list of what she constantly asks you to do. Then mark off what she can do for herself. If she demands, I would tell her please and thank you may get her what She wants better. Don't get it for her if she demands or she can do it for herself. She is living with you and owes you as much respect as u owe her. You are not her slave. And go out. Does she have friends who can visit. If no, then she needs to learn how to be alone. Your yoga class can't be that long. Go out with friends.

If this doesn't work you may have to remind her because you love her you took her into your home. As such, you expect the same respect from her as she expects from you. And respect does not mean ur at her beck and call. You have a life. She is now more a part of it but not all of it. If she can't except that, maybe other arrangements have to be made.

Maybe you can set up something where you can check in and she sees you. I forget what they are called. Its like a video Alexa (Don't teach her how to get you, tell her its one way only). Have her only call ur cell when she needs you. Set it for contacts only, removing her from the list. The call will still come thru for an VM to be left. You can then determine what call is important. Tell her your boss no longer allows personal phone calls on company phones since employees have cells which he doesn't want used during working hours either. You will only be able to listen to them on breaks.

Personally, I have never liked being at someone's beck and call. My children because they were small but they were taught to do for themselves. I like organization and beck and call doesn't enter into that. Don't expect me to jump.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. It is so hard to deal with multigenerational living. When my mom moved in with me I had two daughters at home. It’s hard.

I was working when mom moved in my house. My mom could not call me because I was teaching. I would have never answered phone calls in my classroom.

Is it possible for you not to take her phone calls? Is she calling your cell or a business phone number?

My girls adore my mom and mom loves them but having a parent in the house does change a relationship for everyone.

Relationships can become strained. That doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. I understand that. I also understand your frustration with her as well.

I desired to go back to being her daughter and not have the responsibility of being her caregiver, even though I wanted her to have the best of care because she is mom. I get it! I walked in your shoes. So did my kids. Just like your daughter.

I won’t speak for your mom because I don’t know her. Is she afraid? How old is she? How serious are her health concerns? Can you provide more information please?

I eventually had to stop working because my mom has Parkinson’s disease and needed more care. I had to give up my job and volunteer work which was quite an adjustment for me.

Yoga or any physical exercise is very helpful. It’s a release. I did not ask my daughters for a lot of help. They had busy lives. They are out of the house now, all grown up! The youngest is graduating from her university this year.

My mother is out of my home now too. Only you can decide what is best in your case. We can’t tell you what to do. You can start to look at facilities. That way you will be prepared if you take that route. Some offer, independent living, assisted living and memory care. Some are skilled nursing facilities (nursing home.) I looked at all of them.

Sadly, I did burn out. My mom is now living with my brother and sister in law. I did more than my share, 15 years of mom in my home. So, I know fully well how hard it is to be a primary caregiver. I empathize with you 💗.

Ask yourself if this is becoming too much? Make an appointment if possible with a therapist who can help guide you from a professional objective perspective. A therapist can help you to see things in a new light. They are non judgmental as well. It really helps.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Start telling mom that she needs to respect you or plan on going into a facility.

It is selfish for anyone to hijack another's life.

Set boundaries, like 1 call at lunch time and no more, all calls will be ignored or blocked. You have a life and she stops chewing you out for taking care of you or she goes into a facility.